Poetry / THE GOOD SIDE IS USUALLY MORE SUBTLE

Whoa, this is a tight piece. I’ve read it at least ten times to make sure that I didn’t overlook anything that could be tweaked to make this stronger. The only thing wrong with this poem is that I didn’t write it. :P

ok, you did it. you got my attention. great job. but WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN? sounds like a blowjob to me but there’s more to it that i’m not quite catching. you have great, powerful images here. i dont know what the hell they mean but they’re extremely connotive and intrigue me deeply. but then again i cant make much sense of any of it while i’m distracted by these amazing lines:
“her smile slid a wriggling fish of hidden erotic passions
past my belt,”
“she saw my faraway look,
her lips parted in case i might say something about love,
whoa –
i’m not that thick.”
PLEASE tell me the rest of isn’t just trippy filler!!!
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June 19, 2008

by lordgorto

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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27			January 05

nah, nothing as exciting as a BJ, but rather, the speaker is merely realizing how much he likes this girl, and I expressed these emotions as the most wild visuals I could imagine.  I tried to personify the qualities the speaker loves in the girl, as setting up shop in his mind, selling wares like peace and happiness.  Some of it is “trippy filler,” but certainly not with that intention.

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I really liked the top part. After the whoa, the tone seemed to change some. It was difficult for me to continue the vibe through to the end. I get the image in my head of a couple sitting together while the kids play, cartoons playing in the back, intimacy interrupted by kids. Am I totally off?

It flowed nicely, and i like the descriptions.
but I’m not sure if i understood it.
Maybe I’m just not reading it right.

I think what you’re writing here is true.  That the title says more than even the poem does.  I like it anyway.

Nice piece.

~G

I thought this was amazing.  Every word in this is wonderful, but everything after love seems not to be about the girl anymore.  It doesn’t seem to fit the rest.  It could end at love and still be one of the best things I’ve read in a long time.  I even think the last bit could work all by itself.  Take out the whoa and I’m not that thick, and the remaining five lines are very hot man.  
Yeah, this is awsome writing.

Great keep it up.  Love the details.  Make sure you think about how you want the reader to read the poem as well – e.g. pause, line breaks etc…

Man- this is hot stuff. I like this a lot. “she was fantastic for questions like that.” is a great line- you have so many great lines. I am dually impressed. Sometimes the mention of fish or videos throws me off, because you’re main images are so graceful and ethereal, but that actually makes it all the more real. Excellent job. I think this one’s added to my favs. :)

The agendas of the genders here are quite playful and colorful.  I enjoy this carefully narrated conversation poem. Humor, reality, and reflection wrapped up with nothing out of the ordinary at that time.