Poetry / Bloody Waltz (Analysis)

Blood. A lot of it.

Running down your arms and into mine

As we embrace, clinging to each other as we dance

A waltz of death.

I gave this to you, kissing you lightly

And watch in grim satisfaction as you begin to cry

Tears of blood.

Love is no fleeting thing, to be enjoyed for a moment and then thrown away.

I love you. You broke my heart.

If you die, who is to blame?

Perhaps none. But as we continue to dance

I pull you tighter, but you fight to pull away

As you know how this dance will end.

Your legs give out, but I pull you along with me,

Refusing to let you fall.

Not yet, anyway.

The dance continues, and your eyes find the ceiling

Hopelessness in a strange expression.

Eyes glazing over, blood pouring from your eyes and mouth

And I drink it all in, reveling in the pure estacy of my kill.

I love you. You broke my heart.

Now you're dead. Who's to blame?

Not I.

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anonymoussoul7 avatar General Friend

March 11, 2010

anonymoussoul7

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The_Poet_Within avatar General Stranger

March 10, 2010

The_Poet_Within

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Kascia avatar General Friend

March 08, 2010

Kascia

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Kascia reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

ewwww… I liked it. The only thing I could suggest is that you should be carefull not to over use some words. I understand why it’s called bloody waltz, but overusing words like as can make the poem seem redundant. The 25 line has a mispelling. I think you meant to use ecstasy. overall it was grimmly great!!!

cbp31 avatar General Stranger

March 08, 2010

cbp31

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cbp31 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I’m interested in seeing some of your other things.  The Talent is there, though I’ll be honest I’m not much into the gothic/dark romance.  It seems cliche to me at this point.  Overall, like I said the talent is there.  I think you paint a very clear picture of a “dance with the devil” as it where, or I guess I should say dance with a vampire.  That’s what I was picturing.  The act of a vampire feeding.  Overall solid work, though a bit cliched.  It wasn’t something I hadn’t read in one form or another before.  Keep working at it, and honing your those skills.

jalubcarrey avatar General Stranger

February 11, 2010

jalubcarrey Prolific-icon-medium

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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Hmm, I was just about ready to object to the sentence length, the lack of form, when it struck me: it works.  I didn’t want it to work, but it seemed to work nevertheless.  One sentence, however, “You broke my heart.” might be dropped into the next line, by itself.

Now, overall content was not all that bad.  The subject was interesting, but it left us asking why, how and other questions.  

Oh, it’s very hard to cry tears of blood.  I think the only way this could happen would be if maybe the eyes, or tissue around the eyes, were punctured in some way.  

If someone’s heart is broken, are they still in love?  To say that you love someone, even after they break you heart, is self defeating.  I know . . . it happens all the time.  Sad but true.

I think this could be longer.  You could answer some of the questions we’re all asking, as in, ‘How was the person killed?’

Matthewtuckey avatar General Stranger

February 09, 2010

Matthewtuckey

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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

how can blood run ‘into’ your arms? Unless your arms are cut as well… ‘onto’?

‘Not yet, anyway.’ – I think you’re doubling your negatives. You’ve said you’re REFUSING to let him fall, but ‘not yet’ sounds like you HAVE let him fall but won’t later. Maybe ‘for the moment’.

‘Perhaps none’- no-one

Not creeped out but it’s stil creepy.

Drolf avatar General Friend

February 07, 2010

Drolf

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Drolf reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

um…. maybe you need that hug NOW…...
I like the descriptive writing in this poem though. it makes me shiver

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WOOTMAN avatar

WOOTMAN

Age: 15
Loc: Hephzibah, GA
Gen: M
Last Login: March 16
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