Poetry / about a baby boy

Damn. This hits hard, and maximizes the effectiveness of the prose-poem, which is an extremely hard form to use well. Great stuff. By the time I hit the line “live to build another snowman” (wonderful imagery, by the way) I was there with you.

I thought that maybe some of your language would benefit from being a bit less general, however- there are more evocative words for his lungs than “frail” and “damaged”, more meaningful descriptions of his gasps than “tiny”.

Also, and this is mostly the grammar stickler in me, but the use of “that day” in the very last line seems to indicate that the phone call that came later in the ambulance occured on a different day from when the child was found; if that’s the case, it ought to be clearer that time has passed (one thing prose-poems don’t do intrinsically is the passage of time). If that’s not what you meant, the word “when” would glide us effortlessly to your point. In a piece that’s so effective, anything unclear stands out more than it would otherwise.

Great work here, again. I really enjoyed this.

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November 11, 2006

by Joz

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209	94.1% (51 votes)	19.6%

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27	F	United States	February 21

Thank you for such an insightful, in depth, and vivid review. You gave me concrete aspects to work on and highlighted what you believed to be the strengths of the piece.

Thanks for your honest commments.

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not sure this is poetry, as you said it’s a true story and it reads more like personal journalism. That being said, it was powerful.

He lived!! This should be treated more triumphantly. It must feel good to save a life, especially a young one, let it come through. It felt restrained. Also who was driving, what kind of car, where was this, night or day, details like that will really bring the intensity home.

the first sentence really grabbed me, use it as a platform, a guide for the rest of the piece and you’ll be alright.

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June 01, 2006

by Joz

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This isn’t a short story. It’s a prose piece, written as part of a prose writing assignment. This explains the restraint, shortness of the piece.

I have written a story about this too. I will try to find it and post it.
Thanks for the review.

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Certainly used free poet’s license with this piece. A flowing writing that focuses on an event yet more than hints at the emotional undercurrents suffered by the writer.

I really enjoyed reading this piece, not knowing how it would end or exactly where the writer was going with it.

I’ll agree with purpleharmony’s opening sentiments.  Definitely well-portrayed—you captured the unfolding action excellently.  Now, personally, I’d suggest somewhat simplifying the lines, in places.  For example:

“Climbing into… ...I need you to breathe baby.�?

is one long sentence.  In all, there are three statements broken with periods.  Somehow, a lot of extra words have slipped in, and this may be distracting to some.  Finally, “balancing in my hands” feels a bit off, somehow.  Might be residual hangover, but it might want some thought.

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March 12, 2006

by Joz

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I can’t quite nail the ending to this. It’s been revised several times.  I had something about “suddenly thrust into my hands.” but I didn’t like that either.

The idea behind this piece, which I’d like to keep, was to write as few of sentences as possible. Really make it run on prose.  

Thanks for your ideas.  

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Wow. What an extremely powerful moment to capture with words. What I like so much about this piece is that you have made me feel blessed without preaching at me. You’ve SHOWN me the power of the moment, instead of TELLING me how powerful it was. Thank you for sharing this beautiful, beautiful experience with me.
That being said, I think you should try to play with the language in this piece. Keep the imagery as it is what makes this work so evocative. But try throwing in assonance, consonance, and alliteration. You’d be surprised what you can do with sound. Also, try using “fast” words and “slow” words to speed up or slow down your piece at various times. Sound them on your tongue to get the feel of them. Short vowel sounds and short words tend to make a piece move faster and longer, open vowels in long words slow a piece down.

You’ve got a solid ending that I don’t think you should touch, except for one thing: I’m confused about the connection between building a snowman and your begging in the ER. Were you begging that he would be able to build another snowman? Clarify that please.

I’d like to see this after you’ve played with it a little bit. I think you’ve got a winner on your hands. Keep writing! :)

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March 02, 2006

by Joz

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Thanks so much for all your suggestions. I will be incorporating various elements in the revision.
You are right about the snowman. I absolutely broke down in the ER after handing over care to the hospital. That is a whole other story in itself.  Thanks for the review.

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