Thanks. If you fancy earning a shitload of credits, Find part 1 on my page and work your way through. I’m reviewing atm.
Screenplay / Once Upon Part 5
EXT. BUSY MANCHESTER STREET-MORNING
A small Chinese lady- YAN- YAN- discreetly approaches passing shoppers, flashing the contents of a small satchel. She constantly looks around warily, as if she shouldn’t be there. As Tom approaches her…
DAVE (V/O)
She’s in the same spot, seven days a week, come rain or shine. She’ll approach anyone, and she’ll sell and sell and sell. But as soon as any police show up…
Two PCSO’s stroll down the street. They’ve not noticed her, but she’s noticed them. She backs away discreetly down a side street.
DAVE (V/O) She’s gone.
She walks over to Tom.
DAVE (V/O)
She’s part of the team, but she’s your responsibility.
TOM
Okay…?
DAVE
Seriously. Anything goes wrong with her- sorry to say it but it’s your neck on the line.
Tom’s shattered, stood in the middle of the street- right outside the job centre, where we previously saw him enter. Tom blows his nose. His eyes are reddened from hay fever. He looks around slowly as the shoppers rush around being busy. She opens the satchel in front of Tom- DVD DISCS. All compact in plastic sleeves.
YAN- YAN
Want films? Got action, comedy, sci-fi…
She flips through a CD wallet with twenty discs inside, each covered with a badly printed image. They’re obviously pirate copies. She flips to the back of the stack.
YAN-YAN
Got porn…
Tom cuts her off.
TOM (a lot louder than her)
Are you Yan-yan?
She freezes, and can’t take her eyes off the floor.
TOM
Yeah, I thought so. My name’s Tom. I’m gonna be helping you out from now on. You have any problems, you call me on this, okay?
Tom hands out his business card for the first time. Tom’s proud smile slips when Yan-Yan hands back her card- the same design. It’s just a card.
TOM
I’ve got something for you here.
Out of his briefcase Tom pulls another CD case like Yan-yan’s, and hands it to her.
TOM
Dave said you’ve got something for me?
Yan-yan starts to shake.
TOM
Well, come on. I can’t go back empty handed, can I?
TOM (V/O)
Where the fuck is this coming from?
YAN-YAN
Cross road.
TOM looks around for any reason why he should.
TOM
Why?
YAN-YAN
No, really. Cross road.
They cross.
TOM
Okay. Business time.
Yan-Yan pulls a wad of tenners out of her pocket. Tom holds his hand out and grips them, but Yan-yan won’t let go. Instead she looks up at Tom, then over her shoulder. Then she quickly leans forward and tries to bite Tom’s hand, still holding on to the money.
TOM
Argh! What the fuck?!
Tom checks over his shoulder. People are too busy rushing from shop to shop in droves to pay any attention. He gives Yan-yan a slap and she let’s go of him. Tom checks his hand.
TOM (quiet)
Crazy bitch.
Tom feels a sneeze coming on…
Sneeze.
BOOM.
A fraction of a second after he sneezes, the job centre over the road explodes. The proletarian hordes closest to the blast are engulfed in fire. Most die quickly, but one CASH GUARD is blown back by a section of doorframe, his head protected by the helmet. He lands on a passing car in the street, still alive. The blast pushed him away from the building, but the front half of his body is scorched, clothing torn away. He might live to tell the tale.
CU- TOM
FLASH FRAME- ROYAL APARTMENTS
Tom has been thrown to the floor and has landed on Yan-yan, who’s jabbering away in Mandarin trying to get him off her. He’s completely dazed. As the smoke clears and the screaming starts, he tries to stand up. The job centre building is on fire and the area around it ruined. The pipes underneath it are split and human waste is spewing forth through the remains of the building and into the street. Rats the size of cats scuttle out into the street over the bodies, eating them.
Tom ditches Yan-yan and struggles to his feet, tripping over a dismembered foot. He looks around- within seconds a crowd has gathered watching in horrified fascination. They are watching him- a survivor. He walks off down a side street, not looking at anyone. He realises his responsibility in all of this.
NON DIGETIC MUSIC- SPEED ME TOWARDS DEATH- ROB DOUGAN
TOM runs. He passes the “Your-self” self-storage centre he’d dropped a package off at. A car has been thrown onto the entrance section of the building. The framework of the car has been ripped open ripped outwards and sections of it act like claws, hanging onto the window frames of the building. It burns, spreading into the entrance. Tom runs down a back street shortcut. He can see the Royal apartments. He’s almost home.
A BLACK VAN screeches in front of him. Two Balaclava- wearing men, dressed in black, swing the doors open. They dive at him from either side and pin his arms to his body.
TOM
Get the fuck off me! I haven’t done anything!
They throw him in the van and jump in. One checks the street as he shuts the door from inside.
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Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s got a lot of potential. who is your target audience with this piece? I’d like to see this put into a full script form, the entire story rather than just small parts. a little copy editing would not be amiss either, such as this phrase-
Tom’s shattered, stood in the middle of the street
– Tom’s shattered what?
All in all a good bit of work, thanks for sharing!
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 2 -
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So, like the first thing I read so much I’m wanted to review more.
Yan-Yan/Tom exchange: good job. Wasn’t sure why she bite his hand.
Explosion detail: good, not sure about usage of proletarian hordes (worker-bot types, right?), might be a little too lofty--unless its something linked to another part of this I haven’t read. Like if Tom is a communist, or the group he’s working for have red leanings--then may work—so take with grain of salt :)
Good job--I can see all this, and Tom… Line that does much work here: They are watching him- a survivor.
Just a small scene, but I liked it very well overall. I like your succinctness and clarity. I like your seemingly simple lines that provoke reams of mood, character and imagery.
Good job again!
spiritualdeciple reviewed Version 2 -
Read 25% of the Item
Yes now I can see where you are going with this script, it’s very *0’s orianteted I think, I guess you have worked in this enviroment, as you display very detailed knowledge of this area of industry.
hot52wheeler reviewed Version 2 -
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What i read i liked but it would of made more sence to me if i read the parts before this one. You have talent in Screenplay keep up the good work.
ClaudetheHare reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite an interesting turn of events. I guess the Balaclava wearing men are ‘PCSO’s of a sort. But if not, who are they?
I can see this playing well in the U.K. and perhaps with the right audience, in the U.S. So far, the scenes depict gruesome violence that may be an acquired taste to some. (C’mon… Fecal matter and rats eating body parts? When has that ever happened following a sneeze?) I was thinking this was a suspense drama, but now I might have to call it a horror comedy. Not necessarily bad, of course.
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