ive been wondering if anyone would pick those out.
i dont use many, as is.
In the actual manuscript almost all are removed.
the document on here is specific for this site.
thanks for reading. appreciate the critique.
namaste
Sci Fi & Fantasy / manuscript bits and pieces -- 8
♀♂
Incredulous, Salame looked at her husband with a face of granite.
“Benji…? You weren’t serious…?”
Wasn’t he though?
“She’s telling the truth.”
“We believe her…?”
Salame bundled her shawl into a ball and threw it him.
“Benjamin… I’m worried too, but we can’t encour…”
“She’s not making it up, I promise you,” he interrupted, unwinding the knitted silk from around his face.
“How can you say that?” Sala shrieked.
“I don’t know, maybe she should sleep with us for a while.
“A holiday maybe…
“I don’t know what else to think.”
“Salame!” …he shouted as loudly as he dared.
“Benjamin!?” …she shouted back.
“Do you trust me?”
“This isn’t about you Mister Jaad!”
She’d meant to sound stern, but he was staring at her with those eyes.
‘Takes the vinegar right out of me, those eyes.’
“Do you trust me?” he asked again more stolidly.
Salame had never managed to work out how, when everything looked its worst and any other person would have crumpled and given up, he would look at her with those eyes and she would know, like he did, everything would be better by morning. His eyes were what had made her take a second look to begin with, those and the fact he still had all his own teeth.
Bushá Arngrym had warned her about ‘Second Looks’ and many other things concerning men and affairs of the heart.
Salame thought about that chat before her wedding, checking to be sure she’d not made a mistake.
She thought of it again now,
“Do Not Fall in Love!” Auntie had said with absolute conviction.
“Of course you'll want to, there will be opportunities along the way.
“Be wary. Generally it's the "looks" that draw you.
“The mystery…
“The eyes,
“Those pouty lips,
“A little Style… a gesture.
“No argument, without attractions no one wants to ride in the amusement park. I mean what's a banana without appeal… right?
“In as far as romance goes however…
“It's another thing altogether to love someone… to cherish them!
“For that, you need to feel them. Allow yourself to be felt.
“There is a need to trust and be trusted.
“You live or die for them, knowing they would do the same for you.
“It's a lot to ask.”
Auntie gazed towards the hill where Uncle had been buried.
“You Salame, are a lover. Someday you will know of what I speak.
“Others may never experience anything more poignant than a quality bowel movement*…and that's ok. In fact, it’s as it should be.
“Love, isn't for everybody… no matter what the advertising says.
“Yet, forewarned though they may be to the perils of pining over kisses blissful… the promises and vows spoken and broken…”
“…for those, like you, who see it as a reason to keep on living
“…the means of becoming a ‘whole’ person?
“Made so by bonding with another person whom you make whole, a unified state of ‘Wholly Oneness’…? **
“True love will be fought for to the exclusion of all else. ***
“Many wanting what they can't have or what can't be had. Casting their nets again and again, only to throw back their catch each time.
“And despite the consequences… for believers, it's all worth it.
“‘True Love’ is the pinnacle of human experience, a thing far rarer than the legends would have you suppose. So precious as to have become mythical!
“Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it doesn't happen.
“It happens.
“The odds are about the same as being struck by lightning.
“…17 times
“…in the same day
“…on the second Tuesday…of November
“…in an odd vs. even year!
“This disparity is apparently due, at least in part, to the fact that one can never tell who one's 'true love' might be. With untrained eyes, spotting one’s ‘other’ is near to impossible.
“Naturally occurring chameleon-like traits (chameleoflage) render 'soul-mates' invisible and hence, initial contact with a potential ‘Truelovian’ leaves one or both parties completely flummoxed.
* (Ref: That's the kind, where you wipe twice and the paper is still clean.)
** (Unified State (see Unified Field Theory): postulates the universe to be orderly and understandable. Suggesting that one moment will continue on to the next as the conclusion of its precursor and that "Causality" is an absolute. Humans are seemingly beyond this, however, as we believe ourselves capable of exercising "free-will", thereby creating complete havoc and making things utterly incomprehensible just for the sake of argument.)
*** (By arming its self with emotional levers, the ‘mind’ attempts to do combat with the universe and its laws – particularly when such laws refuse to allow for the validity of said emotions. The presumption being; 'beliefs' and "feelings", when held strongly enough, take on actual physical properties—people who do not believe themselves 'complete' prior to meeting with their ‘other’ (soul mate) often have high-valance emotions and can thus be induced to manipulate these myriad frequencies, of emotional energy, into ‘tangibles’. ****
**** ("Emotangibles", or more frequently, "Emotangenites", are to be presumed volatile and handled with care. Often they appear as smiles and fists, marriages, murders, wars and romances, epiphanies and even orgasms.) *****
***** (Many are 'sure' they've had them. They've been the most solid, serious, mind altering experiences of their lives… but ask any expert and they'll tell you, point blank, "Sex is all in your head, same as god, soul and eternity.”)
“Commonly… they aren't what one thinks they're looking for. They live next door, walk beside you to work, sometimes have the same last name, or, shop at the fruit stand …and you'd never even notice them!
“‘Not my type’, you think.
“Until the new hair style, or the new clothes, or the right words at the right time… or even the wrong time, or… for god knows what reason, maybe that awful book they're reading…?
“Something draws you in, hooks you and the sparks fly.
“Now… you're taking a Second look!* and that’s a completely different kind… one with hidden properties that force you to think. **
“The wheels are set in motion,***
“You’re forced to face the repercussions… ‘Ideas!’
“Maybe for days, sometimes years…and even though the actual ‘look’ only lasted a split second…you can't help yourself. The view in your head, bubbles and toils 'til the pressure has to be released.
“Something akin to steam rising from a compost heap; fecund, flammable and fragrant, but ultimately futile!
‘In every respect you're F'ed…!!
“Weeks may go by before you finally decide to find out if what you think you're feeling is real. Then you see them, maybe you try eye contact, an exchange of nods, a smile, a laugh and possibly a conversation…?
“You know what they want, at least you hope you do… but, you make an idiot of yourself and ask them anyway. Because, in the end, you're so vulnerable, still afraid to be hurt, to be rejected. You just can't let that happen.
* (A 'look' can and has been defined in many ways. You know them: ‘the longing look’, ‘the faraway look’, ‘that pissed off look’, ‘the puppy look’. They quickly and subjectively describe 'reflected' emotions—someone's state of mind, as seen from another's perspective—affording an understanding that is easy to swallow. The "Second Look" isn't that.)
** (According to available data; humans regularly avoid using their heads for real, concentrated, deep 'thinking'. Experts having long held "thought": i.e. thinking (as it relates to love), to be a pointless undertaking—to be avoided, quashed, euthanized if possible—for the same reason a man avoids a leper hawking penis pumps.)
*** (Wheels, gears, situations and even thoughts follow the same principles when it comes to motion: they tend to stay in motion, unless acted upon by outside forces. This implies an 'absolute' futility in terms of stoppages when dealing with both hearts and minds, since they are entirely internal and uniquely individualistic. As regards the above statement’s implications, however… a bit of skullduggery takes place. Logic escapes hand-in-hand with Common Sense and Desire surreptitiously assumes control. Self-preservation is doing its best to retake the system, but some divinely inspired password—mixed from a concoction of pheromones, primal urges and wishful thinking—is proliferating out of the encryption sequence. Butterflies in your stomach appear to be the cause.)
And miraculously, they had been taking a long look too. And an instant later you almost feel safe thinking… ‘Could this be the one…? Oh my god, this is the one.’ But don’t be fooled my girl.” She’d lifted Salame’s chin so as to look her in the eye. “While this exciting arrangement is one of the many forms ‘love’ can and does take and might, over time, through a course of trial and error, summon an encounter with ‘True Love’…it's actually the precursor to something slightly more common. A side stepping lunacy of sorts, called ‘Falling in Love’.*
“Mind you, it's described precisely that way for a reason.
“‘Falling in love’ really means you're about to start acting very foolish. Stupid things will start to make total sense to you. You're going to let an ‘other’ do to you, what you'd normally never think to allow… and forgive them for it. And in return, you get to do it back and hope to be forgiven.
Salame hadn’t dared to speak, but she just couldn’t see how this sounded like fun. “And we think this is a good idea why again?”…she asked cautiously.
“Because my dear child…
‘…it will only ever really happen once
‘...if even once!
‘You can fall in love a dozen times, a hundred, a thousand,** but it will never be the first time again.
‘The first is the one you'll always speak of with a bit of remiss, even if it isn't your only one, but especially if it is.
‘The first glance, the first smile, the first touch, the first kiss…
‘The first TIME!”
If Salame hadn’t been sure that Auntie Arngrym’s allusion was to sex… the flushed look and pregnant… ‘Mmm’ …while she reminisced, gave it away.
“Ah yes…‘Making Love’…easily the most addicting aspect.
“The first time you ever have that, as opposed to… the other…
“You know nothing else matters.
“If you died right after… you'd die happy!
“Of course, that doesn't mean plain old diddling can't be great…
* (Anything involving "Falling", a "fall", "having fallen" and/or "in the process of falling" …is bad. This includes stock markets, faces, planes and angels, implants, arches, hearts and leaders.)
** (No ceiling exists here, although the author suggests professional counseling to anyone speculating on double-digits.)
“But in most cases, by morning, the effects of the contagions have worn off, the booze is all dried up and you’re alone in a room with cab fare.
“The Firsticities are the easiest memories to appreciate and amend.
“Time makes them sweet. Regret keeps them safe.”
Naturally, it was shocking at the time.
The old woman had made a life’s work of observance to Propriety.
‘She could drain the fun out a moment quicker than a vat of dodgy slop coursing a porker’s entrails.’
Yet, evidently, there was a past Busha had kept hidden all her years.
‘She wasn’t perfect after all’ …and Salame adored her for it.
Her ideas about the relationships and those incidental insights she’d included, however, had caused Salame to seriously reconsider the auspices of her own birth…but they’d done nothing to make her question her marriage.
True love is what she had found.
“Yes husband. I trust you. But I don’t understand.”
He hadn’t the skills of a ‘subtlist’. He could barely manage to tiptoe without finding the one creaky board in the flooring.
“‘Blessings in buckets’…was the Old Man’s favorite expression for me.”
It was as if The Powers had denied him the use of deception as defense. Hence, he’d never bothered trying to develop a decent poker face. He knew anyone who looked would see right through him.
“Did I ever tell you that?”
“I know it’s hard for you to talk about.”
“No… don’t think I did. I’ve certainly never told Jaya.”
“You’ll tell us when you’re ready.
“Now… What has you talking nonsense?
“I need to tell you something.”
But then, he stopped. No words came.
“Benjamin Jaad? at a loss for words?” she snorted, taking hold of his hand.
“Mr. Jaad, I trust you, I love you
“…even when you forget to wipe your feet
“…and show up two hours late for dinner.
“Tell me whatever you need to. None of that’s going to change.”
“Sala…”
‘So much life in that face. Never wanted to see it turned to bitterness.
‘Too important to hide any longer. Time to face the demons.
‘Protect what matters… be a grown-up.’
“You know what a seer is?”
She nodded.
“Mother was one…”
His mind went back to the pit –
The smells. The looks. The faces.
Father’s broken heart.
The lifeless white skin. Arms that would never hold him again.
He’d tasted bile then, could taste it still, even now.
“The Old Man and I never spoke about it… how she died I mean. But the morning after they found her, he said one thing. I’ve never been able to forget.”
“Benji…?” she contended.
“I don’t think that’s something anyone ever gets over.
“Maybe you have to go around it.”
His hand squeezed tighter.
“Father said, ‘Men shed the blood, but t’was the Gift took her.’”
“I don’t know what I would do if that had been me.
“It just shows how strong you are.
“But what has that to do with this?”
He tried to smile for her. But he couldn’t be sure he had.
He couldn’t feel his lips they were pursed so tight.
Taking a deep breath (so deep it verged on subterranean), Benjamin started to explain what little he knew.
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Tazinko reviewed Version 1 -
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As I started I’d thought to myself, this seems rather decent as a romance thing, but I don’t understand it. Then I got to the first footnote section, and realized what you had done. You had taken an example of something that just about everyone has experience with, and used it as a mouthpiece for thoughts and ideas that many would have a hard time understanding on their own.
I absolutely love this piece so much so that I’m actually making myself late for class by staying and reading it, your style of dialect is great. The ideas that you present are fascinating, and I really wish to continue reading to see how the Sci Fi/Fantasy part kicks in. Well done.
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Spriglief reviewed Version 1 -
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Your dialog is more effective when you leave off the, “Sala shrieked,” and then “she shouted back.” If the dialog is good, and it gets good on the second page, you don’t need the tags at the end of the dialog because your readers already know the emotion and volume. Use the tags just enough to keep your readers clear on who is speaking.
I don’t think the Ref. adds to your story. If you think you need it, build a nerdy character and let him tell your readers. If left on the bottom of the page in the ref. section, most readers are going to skip it.
I really like the aunties dialog, but it is rather long. You might break it up a bit with some private thoughts from Salame.
Also, when you switch from one character to another, it is helpful to have them do something, maybe move around the room or describe a look or emotion. Then the reader does not have so switch mental gears so quickly into the other character. It is also a nice way to do without tags.
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