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Young Adult / Silenced- Chapter Two
Chapter 2
The walk was a lot longer than I had expected. I wasn’t used to having a bus stop. Back in my hometown, the bus stopped outside of my house. I didn’t have to calculate the time because the bus driver knew to wait for a few minutes. I told him that with the cold weather I would be watching for him in my living room window. He didn’t mind about that. I climbed onto the bus and looked at the other kids trying to find an empty seat. There wasn’t one. I started my way towards the back of the bus until I heard a girl’s voice telling me that I could sit with her.
I turned to see who was talking to me and to my surprise; she didn’t look much different than me. We both appeared to be alike. This was a good sign. Then, I noticed that she looked to be my age. That’s another good sign. I quickly walked over to her seat and sat down on the edge of the seat. One of the things that I have quickly learned is not to trust anyone even if they do look friendly. They could wind up being your worst enemy. She didn’t really say much but I could feel her looking at me.
“I’m Casey. What’s your name?”
“Amber.”
I said quickly hoping that she didn’t want to talk. I don’t like conversations with people I don’t know. It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t understand why it does but it just does.
“It’s nice to meet you. What do you do for fun?”
There it was. The conversation starter. People go on asking you questions that they really don’t care about. Just so they can say that they talk with you.
“Nothing, I don’t like fun. I can’t have fun.”
As I was saying this, I pulled my sleeves closer to my wrists. She noticed when I did it and she knew right away was I was trying to do. But she didn’t say anything so maybe I was wrong.
The entire way to school that morning, Casey told me that she was in the same grade as me and we actually had a pretty decent conversation. I was shocked because I found out that she was just like me. But she didn’t say anything about cutting. She just felt the
same way and looked out on life like I do. What a coincidence. I actually liked the girl, which was odd. I don’t like many people.
When we arrived, Casey showed me the way to the main office. I got my schedule and I found out that Casey and I were in all the same classes. This day was pretty good. Hopefully nothing could ruin it.
First period wasn’t too bad. Mrs. Petoskey seemed like a geek. She was our English teacher but she was like all the other girls, pretty. All my other teachers I really don’t remember. They didn’t have that much of an impact on my life. I would rather forget them then to tell you about all of them. They all think they are so smart.
In my seventh period class, I didn’t know we had to ask to use the bathroom. Therefore, I walked out and when I got back the teacher handed me a pink slip of paper. Well, it’s the first day and my first after school detention. My mom ought to be proud of this. There’s another day I will be grounded. Casey told me that Mr. Zynomac was like that. On the way home I could actually say I made a new friend. To my surprise, I was actually happy inside about it. She gave me her number and also told me that she lived down the street from me. That’s cool.
When I showed my mom the detention, she automatically assumed that it was me and that I wasn’t agreeing to this school. She told me that if I got one more detention then I would be grounded. Perfect. That would figure. Why is she like this? I cannot tell you. She has been this way since I was little. She’s very confusing. That would definitely be agreed upon.
Hearing her yell at me instantly made me mad. I grabbed my book bag and my purse and ran to my room. This is where I stayed for the rest of the night. My mom has always been like that. She never really wants to hear my side of the story. She wonders why I don’t like to communicate with her. She always says that she is there and she could be my best friend. Yeah right! Things like that don’t happen.
While I was in my room, I decided to do the small amount of homework that my teachers have given me. Yeah, the first day of school and already I have homework. They know how to work us, don’t they? The homework really wasn’t anything that had to do with school itself. Our school likes to get to know its students. Therefore, all of the students need to fill out questionnaires for things we would like to do. Honestly I really don’t care. But the principal said that he will check to make sure every student has their input on the activities. It took me about twenty minutes to finally complete that. So, I lay on my bed.
The emotions that I let build up inside of me today are getting the best of me. I can’t control my thoughts and I am trying my hardest to just lay here without going to my bathroom for the cutting. Definitely, for the cutting that I so badly want to do. My arms look like a word search because of all my lines I have made just in the past week. They are so beautiful. I don’t want to mess them up by getting a stupid infection. You see with my cutting, I do it to release my pain and stresses of the day. This feels so good. But I am smart about it.
I let some of my work heal before making more. It’s just so hard not to do the cutting. I want to silence all of my pain just for a few minutes. I take a deep breath in and try to relax but was that going to work? It’s getting harder. I have now been fighting the urge to do it but I think I just may give in. It’s been three hours that I have been talking myself through this but I really can’t take it anymore.
Finally, I sit up on my bed and for some reason I really can’t remember the last time I cut. I think it was this morning but maybe not. I want to get rid of what I have balled up inside of me. Just as I go to reach for the door, the house phone rings. I, then, hear my dad yelling up the steps that the phone is for me. Who in the world would call me? People don’t like me. Why call? I pick up the phone that is in my room and I let the person know that I am there.
“It’s me. Who’s calling?”
“Hi, Amber, it’s me Casey. Just wanted to call and see if you wanted to hang out.”
Now, here is something that I really haven’t heard any say to me in my life of school. What am I to do? I so badly want to give in and give her a try. But what if she and I become really good friends and she finds out about my secret?
“Sure.”
I said this not meaning too. Why did I say this?
“Cool. I will be outside in a few. Keep a watch out for me. Thanks.”
Once again I ask myself, why. Then, before I know it, I am standing outside with Casey. She was telling me about how her and her parents just got into a fight because she was caught smoking in school. I didn’t think she smoked. This was a total surprise to me. During that day, I had learned more about Casey. She was just like me. She felt overwhelmed at times by what was going on in her life. But she still didn’t say anything about cutting.
Maybe she didn’t cut. So, I decided that I wouldn’t tell her. I just don’t want to tell anyone because my mom would really freak out. I decided to keep that to myself. After, Casey went home; I went back up to my room. This was the safest place for me because my mom said she won’t come in here. It scares her. When we first moved in, I was allowed to pick the color of my room and paint it myself. I am guessing that my mom didn’t think that I would pick black of all colors. I couldn’t help it. Black just happens to be my favorite color.
She let me have it anyway. Well, with the help of Dave. Dave was the man that I thought was my father until a few months ago. So, yeah, at least they let me have my color. Well, as the time went on, I added newer things to my room. I have a black light sitting on
my very black desk in the corner. I then, bought wall paint and decorated the walls with designs of my own. It was my room. My mom made sure that she made that clear to me when we were making the move.
Later that night, I was in the bathroom, getting ready to take a shower. I kept glancing over at the tiles on the wall that hid my blade. I so badly wanted to cut. You are probably asking yourself why I keep thinking about it but not doing anything about it. I am trying to refrain from cutting tonight. I want to see if I can go at least one day without cutting. I didn’t want my life completely dependent on my cutting. So, this morning, after I did my morning cut, I promised myself that I could wait until tomorrow morning to do it again.
I like to play these games. I like to see that I still have control of my life and the cutting doesn’t have control of me. Once again the feelings are welling up inside of me and I feel like I am going to burst. I turn to the shower and turn on the water. Now, the aching in my wrists started to tingle and was getting worse. I push myself to undress after my water was at the right temperature. Forcing myself, I stepped into the shower. The feeling of wanting to cut has only gotten bigger. The warm water felt great and eased the tingle but the wanting to free myself still remained.
The shower lasted for an hour before the water started to get cold. When I got out, the darkness wasn’t so dark. I made it. I beat the feelings but I am not getting excited about it. The night isn’t completely over. I got dressed and went to my bed. My idea was that maybe if I wasn’t in the bathroom where I could so easily give in, I could fight and fall asleep. As I laid there counting the sheep, my mind went to Casey. There was something about her that seemed so familiar. Was it the way she did her hair? Now that I think about it, it’s not her hair. Not her eyes but her face all together. She looked like someone I either met or knew before. I just can’t place it.
Six in the morning comes quick. I didn’t even know I had fallen asleep. Once I open my eyes, I realized that I was lost in the darkness. The little bit of light I saw last night didn’t stay for long. Now, here I am again, lying in my bed with butterflies in my stomach. I so badly want that to stop. This happens every time I have to do something different. Mom says that I need to stop worrying but I think it’s the darkness trying to tell me something. But what is it? My alarm going off for a second time pulled me back to my bedroom. I looked over and saw that I had forty minutes to get ready. I kicked off my blanket and sat up. My left arm, I noticed, was feeling kind of funny. I pulled it up so I could get a better look and noticed that it was also shaking. I needed this to quit and I know of only one way.
This morning was a bit different then yesterday. You see my mom and Dave are at work when I am getting up for school. Therefore, now I can take my time and enjoy the silencing the darkness for the day. I don’t have to worry about them bugging me to hurry up. Mondays are the days where they get to go in later than usual. I finally got enough energy to walk to the bathroom. Now, both of my hands were shaking. I instantly headed to the bathroom. I couldn’t wait any longer. I kneeled down beside my hiding space and grabbed my nail file.
My hands shook like crazy making it harder for me to get it in place. After a few minutes of trying, I finally got it in and popped out my tile. Quickly, I grabbed the blade. I sat down and got comfortable. The feeling of numbness wasn’t far away. Darkness engulfed me like never before. My heart beat faster than ever and my brain felt like it was going to explode. Once I was in place, I took the blade across my delicate pale skin. Pride flowed through my body and happiness silently approached.
For the next eight minutes, the world of darkness was at last bright. I could feel the blood pumping throughout my veins with every strong pump of my heart. Instantly, my hands were still and my head at ease. The butterflies were gone. When I finally finished covering my art, I got dressed and ran for my bus. Once again I just about missed it. Thank God I didn’t because I didn’t have my own car to take me to school.
Casey saved the seat beside her for me. We talked the entire way to school. I now know that Casey lives with her dad and is the only child. She said that her step-mom is pregnant with her first. So, her dad spends most of his time with Shelly and the baby. She hates that the special night her dad used to have with her is now officially over. She feels completely unwanted. Her dad is now fixing up a room in the basement for Casey so the baby will have a room. I personally wouldn’t like it either.
What I’m saying is that room was always Casey’s and just because they decided to have a baby doesn’t mean they can completely forget about Casey. Man, I’m starting to think all parents are a joke. They love you until another come along. Then, they treat the baby differently then you. The only logical explanation is that the older kid is just that. Old! All parents want new and exciting. Guess Casey’s not exciting. Poor girl.
She also told me that her mother died from a heart attack. Her dad and mom were fighting when Elizabeth stopped breathing. Then, she passed out. After that she went into a coma. She was in the coma for three months. Then, she went to live with Jesus. Casey’s life took a huge turn after that. She had to be a daughter and fill in for her mom with the cooking and cleaning. She did this for three years until Shelly came into the picture. Very interesting facts that are nice to know.
School wasn’t too bad today. We didn’t get any homework and I didn’t get anymore detentions. The normal happened. You had the Preps and the Jocks picking on those who don’t care for sports. This is your typical school. I’d figure with most of us going from seventeen to eighteen years old, they’d grow up. But guess not. Jerks at birth are jerks for life. I really don’t waste my time with them or trying to fit in. They are not worth it. Gossip isn’t my kind of fun.
The principle announced the first dance after the game next Friday. I won’t be going. I don’t like social events where kids jump around like their retarded pigs. Most will be drunk anyway.
The way back home was pretty much the same except that Casey’s planning on coming over tonight. I’m guessing she wants to get to know me. I’m not really sure on what to tell her. I hate life. I live in total darkness all the time unless I cut. Yeah, right! Not going to happen. That’s for sure. I don’t know her well enough to trust she won’t run and tell someone. Then, everyone will tell me I’m crazy and put me in a nut house. I am not crazy. I know who I am. I will tell her what I do know but nothing more.
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vampira_sunset reviewed Version 1 -
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D_W_Pederson reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very dark tale but believable. I didn’t read the first chapter so I may have missed something. The girl seems to ramble through her thoughts, I think that is a good approach with a character that seems unstable. I don’t know if you meant for the character to repeat herself but she does with the sentence
“My mom has always been like that.”
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asmevadan reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say I’m impressed: making a 10-page monologue credible is really hard, and this piece captures the voice of a retarded, self-mutilating teenage girl with authority: “the normal happened,” “my own car to take me to school,” and “during that day” are just some of the examples of language that approaches an idiolect—or if you prefer, a kind of poetry. Even better, the writing is (almost) never confusing: following the story is easy.
And the story is intriguing: we never quite know what the narrator is going to do. Her struggle with depression and borderline hallucination, moreover, is deftly conveyed. Bravo!
The main problem in this piece is that the language more than occasionally slips into standard English: “my delicate pale skin,” “back in my hometown,” “I am trying to refrain from cutting,” and “Preps and Jocks” sound like something a rather intelligent teenager would say. The narrator’s vocabulary needs to be either simple or self-invented—this is a person who is struggling to express herself, and sometimes succeeding far better than ordinary schoolgirls swapping valley talk.
On page 6, “she left me have it,” could mean “she hit me,” so I would say “she let me keep it.” and I wondered about the occasional misspellings—are these intended to convey Amber’s unedited writing, or are they just errors on the author’s part? It might be best to spell correctly and let her idiom convey her unusual (and beautiful) quality of mind.
Still, this chapter is very fine; it just needs some further refinement of Amber’s marvelous voice.
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay—I haven’t read your chapter one. I apologize for just diving in, but it was in my queue :) Promise I will keep this in mind.
I do like your opening, and I can almost immediately tell that Amber is new to her surroundings (or first day to new school), and a very shy or closed-off individual. Good characterization on the bus!
Cutting… excellent subject matter, and one I have rarely seen treated in young adult category (maybe never?) I have a cousin of this age that went through this, and it is very, very relevant. Good job there on fresh original subject matter!
Cutting segment after fight with mom--amazingly well-described! The beauty of the lines, etc… You very much capture the addictive impulse--that is very much like a drug addict. Excellent!
Wow! Very powerful writing, and yet it seems to come right out of this young girl’s head. The voice is very much that of a girl this age.
Yep—black… My cousin wore only black, died her lovely blonde curls black. All black.
This is just amazingly and powerfully written—without being overdone or florid. I’m so impressed!
Typo alert:
They love you until another come(s) along.
their (they’re) retarded pigs (I do this one all the time. What you’re wanting here in the contraction of they are
The ending of chapter—very powerful! With ring of truth!
I am not crazy. I know who I am…
I was completely engrossed in Amber’s story and I would be eager to read more. You’re onto something here! Good work!
I have no other criticisms other than the two measly typos above.
This is worthy stuff!
kjatt reviewed Version 1 -
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a very good overall piece of literature
no critiques over all
very well written
ShadowHeadley reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very powerful piece, it is almost like I am Casey watching these events pass by. There is nothing I would add to it, this part is just fine as is and I have never read a more potent piece of a teenage darkness. Bravo
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