Thanks for your honesty. I understand what you are saying.
Poetry / Through the Eyes of Bre (Analysis)
Somebody, help me please.
I do not see, what everyone else sees.
I just do not understand
how somehow this strange man
has now become my “daddy”.
But they say that he is. So sadly,
I sit and wait for an explanation,
and all I feel is hurt, anger, and frustration.
I had a good daddy and did not need another.
I do not understand this decision of my mother.
Oh, it hurts so bad.
I want to see my brothers, my sister, and my dad.
I got to see them all the time.
They were a family and they were mine.
Now my mommy says I can't even talk to them.
Did I do something wrong? Did I somehow upset them?
I haven't got to visit in quite a while.
Whenever they see me they say, “I love you” and smile.
That's when I know they miss me, too. So I smile right back and say, “I love you, too”.
I have started to love this strange man,
but why this all happened, I still don't understand.
I sit and hope my daddy will come
to pick me up and take me home.
My sister still gets to see him
and whenever she wants she gets to love on them.
Mommy, why can't I go?
I know that you know.
I want to hug him, but I am afraid,
because of how my life has been made.
Why has all of this happened to me,
by those who love me? I can not see.
Why was my world ripped apart
and all I was left with was a broken heart?
I did not want or ask for this.
No matter what they say, I will always be his.
I just want my daddy...
the one who was there for and took care of me.
He is my daddy,
and will always be.No matter what they do or say
I know that there will come a day
when he will be mine forever. I will not forget! Not now! Not ever!
I so badly wish that everyone could see,
just what it's like, through the eyes of Bre.
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SongOfRolland reviewed Version 1 -
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comforting but tragic, i like the essence of family and how close her relationship is with her father
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avkoshy reviewed Version 1 -
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it’s powerful as emotion but as poetry it can be made better
waywardreiko reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh my God you made me cry, this is very heartwarming indeed. Your rhymes didn’t seem pushed until near the end but again you said some of the scatter was intentional so it works for this. You could almost separate this into three strophes and have drive the meaning home even a little bit more. You evoked emotion, you had an implied subject and a generated subject, it was very well done and I feel for this little girl, I really do. You made me feel as though I could empathize with her, and nothing more from me could there be asked. Again well done and i hope you continue to write.
DHustle reviewed Version 1 -
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I only critique on quality of work, and this is quality. This is very touching to me. I was in a similar situation. When I was 16 I found out the man I thought was my father wasn’t. It was hard then, so I can just imagine how hard that would be on a four year old. I feel like you greatly capture the innocence of a child’s perspective in great detail. Great job, keep up the good work!
atlasdrugged reviewed Version 1 -
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a really interesting and well written read- I love writing from the perspective of those too young to fully grasp adult emotions, it’s fascinating. great work.
Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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The technical aspects of this poem aren’t bad. The meter/line length needs work as your rhyming words aren’t timed out at any regular pace. Rhymes are somewhat simple, which is because it is supposed to be from a kids perspective, but that won’t save you from having to make this a pleasant read.
weak rhymes: L15/16 “them/them” L19/20 (was missing a line break for me)”too/too” L23/24 “come/home” after Line 37 the line breaks are out of place and I can barely tell where you intended to rhyme.
This brings to light a sad reality about the modern fractured family. The issues of the adults are unfairly projected onto children. Children are often used as weapons, or at the very least, currency in divorce proceedings. A worthy subject for emotion, certainly.
Writing from the mind of a child is a powerful device and it seems used to pull at the heart strings, but it will also cause some eyes to roll. Especially coming right out the gates with “Somebody help me…”
Lines like “it hurts so bad” “why was my world ripped apart” “he will be mine forever.” -you will surely say “this is how a 3-4 year old sees thing” and you might be right, but it doesn’t make for pleasant reading.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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I have two boys, and so I have some idea of how younger children talk. My kids, and most of the kids I know, speak with a lot of conjunctions. Do not is “don’t”, etc. If that isn’t the way this girl talks, then fine, don’t change it, but this reads like an adult wrote it. It’s very proper in it’s language if you know what I mean.
The idea is tragic and worth exploring. I can feel the intention, even if the poem is supposed to be a little scattered. I don’t see that it’s scattered so much. It may even be a little too ordered.
Except in one regard, which is sentence length and where you put in the breaks for the sentence. I like that you didn’t break it up into stanzas. It’s probably not a good idea to do so. Just let it run on as is.
Read it outloud and look for natural breaks when you read it. Then drop it down a line instead of writing those long sentences. You’re almost there with this.
Ajax_Skreitzche reviewed Version 1 -
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love the sentiment.
such confusion is often repressed or expressed by many people in such predicaments.
the allusions are sound, and the piece flows, but while the language is largely succint and (im assuming) its intentionally uncomplicated, there are what appear to be unnecessary punctuations, a lack of other punctuation and a few points of grammar which you might want to work out… i.e “love on them”...?
“Why was my world ripped apart and all I was left with was a broken heart?”
...possibly change to present tense—“why was my world was ripped apart and all i am left with this broken heart?” or something to the affect.
on a personal note, i find rhyme much more preferrable when the pentameter is balance, syllabic sequencing as well as the rhyming of the last word.
in point of fact however, it is a touching subject, maybe thats why i like it.
:)
cheers
DarkAngel123 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good piece, even though the message itself is very literal. I appreciated your efforts in conveying the sentiments of the 4 year old. Divorce is almost always a nasty process for everyone involved. Children desire structure and most importantly love, the fact the child in this piece “has started to love this strange man” is reflective of that. Kids sometimes are not given enough credit for maintaining their composure under trying times. it is ironic though,how sometimes parents project the maturity of a child in their dealings with matters of custody. Again nice job!
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