I agree, as is the images are too hard to grasp. Thanks.
Poetry / a dream, a memory, a definition
Shadows cast on tonight's silence,
Memories fade in limited spectrum,
While you calmly take out my eyes.
Leaving hazy peripheral images;
Fragmented ideas hollowed out,
The shells left behind by bullets.
A broken light switch comes to mind,
And a door knob that will not turn.
Innocence shed like skin cells.
Shameful details I won't remember,
Denial scabs, clotted disassociation,
A fever seizing infected thoughts.
A thousand follicles fail to refuse
Your frozen grasp on my arms.
Painful secrets are disregarded.
In whispering, a message is lost.
Cruelty, tonight like a distant train,
Makes a faint sound and vanishes.
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mikebyrd25 reviewed Version 4 -
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Through the specific word use and emotion that I discovered within this poem, I imagined that this was a poetic description of someone who was raped or molested in some way. I feel that this is a deep poem with a great deal of emotional aspects about it. Keep in mind though that the feelings that I expressed in this review are just my feelings. I hope that you are not offended in any way by this. Good work!!
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waywardreiko reviewed Version 4 -
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Wow, powerful, deep, moving and hits home with a generated subject, very well done. One of the only critiques I could give is maybe some of your references are a little too abstract for most readers to relate with, albeit used well for personal reasons making the poem yours alone, but maybe a few analogies or implied metaphors thrown in to lessen the confusion a bit. However that is only if you want to get this piece published, if that is not the case this piece is absolutely fantastic the way it is, I would read more from you if I could. Kudos.
TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a well-constructed piece, and your use of imagery is excellent. I can’t help but feel that it likes solidity and drive, though. There’s a lot of emotional poetry out there focusing on sorrow, despair, sadness, etc…and to be better than all of those, I think you need to do more than just describe the emotion.
You ARE very good at describing the emotion. Perhaps lengthening the piece and adding some lines about events that triggered the speaker’s current state, or what their thoughts are about what they will do now would be effective? I think that would really take it a step above a lot of similar pieces. Oh, I think use of colour would be effective in describing emotion further, if you wanted to.
I mean, still keep it cryptic and eloquent.
Good luck,
hope I’ve been of some help,
Fionn
chasingdreams1 reviewed Version 4 -
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where’s the definition?...
Suthern_Scribe reviewed Version 4 -
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I liked this piece, it had a calm intensity to it. I like how every word was thoughtfully chosen which helped it move along and gave it great imagery. I just think you should go in more detail of the situation the narrator is in.
ladlamlag reviewed Version 4 -
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So clean and complicated. I had a couple of visions of what you may have meant by the poem, but ultimately I’m unclear. Could just be me.
Skylah reviewed Version 4 -
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when i read this i pictured the bony hands of death, falling snow, and a graveyard tomb that seemed to have no end. it’s beutiful and it flows.
D_Munn reviewed Version 4 -
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Well, lucky you. Yours is the first work I have read on this site. ha ha.
I’m glad I found it. There are some perfectly produced descriptions I
wish I’d written myself, including “Innocence shed like skin cells” I
live for descriptive metaphors that are almost tactile and when an
emotion is paired with something as intimate as skin it brings the
reader closer to a physical experience.
My only critique would be your use of punctuation and capital letters.
I have the feeling that MORE feeling could be expressed simply by
slimming down the use of both but especially the former. Let a thought
continue to run it’s course before it’s halted by a semi-colon .. With all
respect of course. Now I’ll read it a fourth time.
HopelessRomantic reviewed Version 4 -
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Oh! I really like this! It makes sense to me and it isn’t confussing to me at all, as are many other ones that I read! And it’s rare that I like poetry. You paint a very interesting picture with your words! Brilliant work!!! _
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