Idk why I chose an ant really, I was feeling like one that day and so that’s how it turned out…
Poetry / Mrs. Ant and the Lazy Romantic
It was a mild day in July when I met Mrs. Ant.
I remember that humorous day so vividly; forever raw in my imagination.
I was sipping on my lemonade and thanking the breeze for gently swaying my hammock,
About to drift into slumber when I heard the tiny grumpy mumbler.
I spotted her hurrying across the patch of dirt underneath the mulberry tree .
On this particular afternoon I was overcome by an impulse so amiable curiosity so it was
Inevitable that I asked, “ If you don’t mind me asking, where are you going in such a hurry, Mr. Ant?”
The ant stopped dead in its tracks, wiggled it’s antennas, and stood on two legs.
“It’s Mrs. Ant and what a foolish question! Where you’re not going!”
She stuck her tongue out at me. I raised my eyebrow and swallowed my growing irritation.
“I beg pardon?” I said calmly. Mrs. Ant rolled her eyes.
“Ugly and stupid, how dreadful! We ants are very different from you humans, thank the Queen!”
I rolled my eyes too. She continued,
“We ants know our place in the colony and know it well! We don’t waste time questioning it because we have no time to waste. We hurry on with our lives using each second efficiently…”
“Because life a but a moment long.” I whispered. The ant glared darkly.
“Be quiet fleshy scum! As I was saying, you humans are all the same---simple and rude!”
I suppressed my smirk. Mrs. Ant turned and continues hurrying along the patch of dirt.
“Pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Ant.” Though my eyes didn’t corroborate with my decorum.
“I’ve had better conversation with bird droppings!” she scowled in the distance.
I took another sip of my lemonade and leaned back into my hammock.
The summer warmth kissed my skin, returning me to my tranquil radiance.
Lazy and carefree.
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anaisnais reviewed Version 2 -
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Lol. very good, there are a couple of easily correctable errors, in particular watch your full stops, commas and Caapitals… There was also a sentence on the other page ….amiable curiosity….., there was something about it that didn’t seem tof it right other than it seemed out of context with the age at which you would be writing for with this – maybe? Again a slight rethink would easily fix this. Overall i think this has potnetial to be a splendiid piece for children, there’s something very ‘Alice in Wonderland’ type write about it, and of that you should be proud in my oppinion…Well done! Keep you pen dancing!
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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it, generally, but was distracted by the grammar. I think it was a good idea to label this as a poem rather than a short story, or some other musing. It seems to fit the mold of a poem in it’s format, even though one line went a little long.
With that, I’d be careful of comma usage, as in, you need to plop a few more in. One sentence went especially long, “On this particular afternoon I was overcome by an impulse so amiable curiosity so it was inevitable that I asked” This need a comma, probably between afternoon and I, but also, this sentence needs tweaking as it doesn’t make sense to read “impulse so amiable curiosity”. What does it mean?
The idea was a grand! Keep up the animism! Write more stories about anthropomorphic insects and the like. :)
Talross reviewed Version 2 -
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(mulberry tree .) You have an extra space at the end here.
(an impulse so amiable curiosity so it was) It seems incomplete, or confusing.
(“ If you don’t mind me asking,) There’s an extra space before “If.”
It’s very interesting, but why an ant? Don’t bees have queens, too? I think it would have worked well with the term “busy bee.”
marebarr reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this piece. Refreshing, fun, not too long, descriptive, entertaining. This could be a children’s story. Great line ”I’ve had better conversations with bird droppings.
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