Not everyone will get the Dr. Dre reference, but I thought it would be nice to have a little extra poignancy for those who recognise it. And those who don’t may wonder what it is. There’s a lot of stuff in Tarantino’s stuff that you wouldn’t notice unless you knew- like the book Vincent reads is ‘Modesty Bliase’, a trashy novel that falls under the category of ‘pulp fiction’- the style of story that the film Pulp Fiction uses. But ‘Explosive’ was on the 2001 album, which went 6 times platinum. So if people recognise it, great. If they don’t, I’m sure they’ll wonder what it is!
Screenplay / Once Upon Scene 10 w/recap
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It is hard to give an overall criteria without reading more.
This is interesting, but also a bit static. Long phone conversations are hard to do on stage or on screen. You cover part of that by the “pirate” video, but since you say it is poor picture quality that may not be enough.
Is it unreasonable that the two meet in person? (This is where not knowing what came before hurts) It is much more dramatic to have conversation rather than phone communication.
Some of your stage directions are kind of dramatic. For instance Tom throwing the phone away as if it is a poisonous spider. That is just a comment, not a criticism.
Oh, it should be “fewer people,” not “less people.”
I will have to go back and read some of the earlier parts.
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I didn’t get the reference “Dr Dre theme”. I have heard OF Dr Dre, but don’t get the reference.
This line needs reworking, ”. . .prudish attitude towards sex out of every country . . .” Really, out of EVERY country? I don’t want to pick on this guy’s speach pattern too much, but this is a huge exaggeration. ”. . ., according to a recent survey.” Do you want him to really quote surveys? Maybe (my opinion) he should speak as if he knows this all to be true, without evidence. Please, don’t get angry, but this character seems very self assured, cocky in fact, and I think he’d make statements without trying to justify them.
Devant identifies himself as a member of the government. I think that it’s okay that he is a member of the government, but to out himself to a civilian doesn’t seem kosher. He specifically mentions the Manchester city government! Wow, that is a little too much information giving over the phone. I need more background story, but are they using coded phones? Can the caller see Tom to know he’s not recording? It’s a worrisome element for covert operations people. We’re not told these things, but it’s something to keep in mind as you’re writing.
The dialogue and the rest, top notch. You’ve got a knack for story telling and I think it’s going really well!
the bruise from the bullet on his chest is still bad. Has the bullet been removed? Wouldn’t he have sutures? “Bad” is too general. Find a description for bad.
“in shock, Tom throws the phone away”,....Shock? Perhaps he was shocked out of his revere. When one is shocked they have no reasonable thought power, let alone be angry. Find another word for shocked. Tom drops the phone in revulsion. Maybe?
How odd. Britain has the highest population of prudery, yet they have the most STD’s. How can this be? It seems that a prudent culture would not sleep around as much. Perhaps you could mention that the many of younger generation are doing away with prudery and this would explain why so many were sexually active. You need to explain this contradiction.
Sham marriages? Explain what you mean. Why are people getting into these types of marriages. Do you mean the divorce rate has skyrocketed?
I am sorry M. I have missed some chapters. I’ve not been well. I will catch up. This sounds very exciting. I like it when you do something other than blog. i have suggested some things. However i wish i was up on it. Hope other chapters remain on here. Sandi
This screenplay is quite interesting. What is the story about? It sounds like kind of a spy movie or a “bourne identity” kind of show, just my opinion. Except for some mild misspellings, it’s a good script. I’m intrigued.
It seems everything I asked for in a previous review just minutes ago show up here which is great. I enjoy the set up its classic and reminds me a little bit of a couple Clive Cussler novels. And again you do a nice job of ending a scene at a point of climax thus leaving the audience on edge. Again well done.
Minor grammar point: It should be “even FEWER people to look after them” Not “LESS people”
This seems to be a rather static scene. If I have the concept of what you are doing you have a phone conversation interspersed with news clips of fires and bombings. It doesn’t really go anywhere. Tom knows no more at the end of the conversation than he did before it started. In fact, the things he does learn make him even more confused.
The plot part is OK if you cover the missing parts in scenes after this one. My major problem is the lack of action for an extended period. Shouting into a phone is loud, not active, and news clips are just that, news clips.
Maybe have something going on behind the scene, a killer creeping up on Tom, for example. Adding cuts to the killers progress adds both action and suspense.
My two cents worth. Keep writing
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