Screenplay / Once Upon Scene 10 w/recap

INT. BEDROOM-DAY Tom’s phone is ringing. Tom has been put to bed with all his clothes on, and there’s oil and dust all over the sheets. He recognises the Dr Dre theme and jolts, disorientated. Takes his suit off quickly and kicks it to the other side of the room, disgusted in what he has done while wearing it. He winces- the bruise from the bullet on his chest is still bad. Tom hesitantly picks the phone up. DEVANT Mr. Charnock? In shock, Tom throws the phone away, like he’s just noticed he’s holding a poisonous spider. After a second he calms down. Picks up the phone again. TOM You’ve got some fucking explaining to do pal. What the fuck. DEVANT I would drop that tone of voice if you want to improve this situation. FLASHBACK: Tom at Apple, pushing the paper pile over. As seen in opening scene. TOM clears his throat. DEVANT Tom, put ITV on for a second. TOM Yeah. DEVANT Now tune to the right. TOM does. Another channel appears, hazy and with low sound. DEVANT One of many pirate channels newly available. The screen is split in half. On the left it says “1996”. The demolition left by the IRA bomb of ’96 is shown. Market St./ Cross St. look like a war zone. On the right, a succession of images showing the devastation of the bombs Tom left is displayed under the heading “Present day”. DEVANT What a coincidence. TOM No, it’s not. DEVANT Correct. Yes, I work for the government. And in some respects, so do you. I was hired by Manchester City Council to secure the two-thousand-and-two Commonwealth games. This was in nineteen-ninety. I knew we needed to turn the city around. Financially speaking it was performing badly against other UK cities. The mayor at the time was keen to take businesses out of London and into Manchester. So I had to take somewhat drastic measures. I set up an auction, Tom. I allowed various international terrorist factions to bid the ability to claim responsibility for a terrorist attack. At the time, the IRA was doing very well. They could afford it, I orchestrated it, and since then Manchester has shone. You told me you were proud of the city, Tom. Now you know why. Manchester has shone in comparison to the country, that is. But internationally we have a very bad name. What do we do at the Job Centre, Tom? Tom is still stunned from the bombardment of information. TOM Uh… find jobs. DEVANT If you’re lucky. What else can you do? Something you’ve already done. TOM Sign on. And do not fucking patronise me. DEVANT You weren’t signed on for long, Tom. You kept yourself in work, even if you did lose that temper of yours and end up back at square one. But not everyone is as persistent as you. There won’t be a dole queue from now on, I think you’ll be glad to hear. Now people have a choice: take the job or go to jail. TOM You’re gonna have pretty overcrowded jails, mate, with the mentality of people in this country. DEVANT I doubt that. Keep watching. The pirate channel shows footage of men in chemical suits, lined up outside a building with a high brick wall. As chemical-suited men walk out carrying bodies, scorched and covered in some kind of dust, more chemical-suited men walk in. DEVANT How often did you see Dave and Tony in bar staff uniform, Tom? Virtually never? You are not alone in this, Tom. I wouldn’t throw you in the deep end and let you sink. The Pirate channel shows the footage of the nail bomb incident at the GUM clinic. DEVANT (Cont.) I believe you saw the fruits of your labour there. The young have always had a responsibility to look after the old. Now the elderly population is increasing, Tom. And when I join it I want people to be able to look after me. How can I have that if the next generation- Teenagers and twenty-somethings now- all become infertile through Chlamydia? There’ll be even less people to look after them when they get to eighty, ninety, or older. I know a lot of people share my reservations. Britain has the most prudish attitude towards sex out of every country in the developed world, according to a recent survey. It also has the highest rates of STIs in Europe. And all the newspaper articles in the world won’t change it. Now you’ve drawn the required amount of attention to it, the education minister is rewriting the National curriculum as we speak. The NHS is being simplified. The police will have more power. Common sense will prevail over political correctness. TOM You just made me kill two hundred people, for fuck’s sake. Don’t talk to me about common sense- DEVANT (overlapping) Tom. Tom. Look at the TV. The footage shows a gutted, scorched fast food restaurant, where it seems a raging inferno consumed everyone inside. Bits of clothing and human fat are melted into the blackened, twisted furniture. FLASHBACK FRAME Tom’s dream of the bomb going off in the restaurant. TOM gasps. We can tell it’s definitely the same restaurant. DEVANT In the time this restaurant was burning there was another, much bigger fire in Brazil. And it’s that fire that allows restaurants like this to exist in the first place. TOM And the sensor’s office in Wilmslow? I suppose you’ve got some explanation for that, you sick fuck. Who the fuck is that guy? DEVANT That… I am not at liberty to discuss at the present time although when I am, I guarantee you will be fully informed. TOM (sarcastic) Oh! Well, that makes everything alright, doesn’t it? That’s a big weight off my mind, Devant. That registry office had two full fucking families in it! What does that achieve? DEVANT Well, seeing as you asked, we want to start a variety of national political debates. Two in five marriages end in divorce. There were three thousand sham marriages last year. In a country of sixty million. That’s a big figure. TOM There’s fifty million in the UK. DEVANT No, Tom. There’s sixty. One in four children today will see their parent’s split up just like you did. We now have the highest divorce rate in Europe. Britain is becoming an international laughing stock. It’s the Prime Minister’s intention to turn around the attitudes and issues that are preventing development in these areas. They needed to be drawn to the forefront. So I was called in again. He needed to drum up support from his colleagues and associates. I’m very confident that people will be keen to help him make the necessary changes. And you, Tom… You’re the gentleman who made it happen. TOM (Sarcastic) I’m honoured. What the hell do I do now? Other than wait for my inevitable court appearance where, by the way, I’ll be doing a big song and dance about you. DEVANT You can rest assured that none of that will happen. Tom. We look after our own. This situation will be under control by tonight, but first I have to clear up some issues regarding your associate Yan-yan. FLASHBACK Yan-yan, terrified when Tom first approached her. It looks as if Devant’s words have just shocked her again. TOM (sickened, terrified) What have you done with her? She worked for you, didn’t she? I fucking knew it. She risked her life for you. Tom starts to cry. TOM (Cont.) You prick. All she did was sell DVDs. What the fuck are you going to do to me? DEVANT Relax. Tom gives a short, desperate laugh. DEVANT How can we justify spending the national budget on Ammonium Nitrate, Tom? The money has to come from somewhere. That’s what she does. She’s discreet and effective, just like hundreds of other workers. And she makes a living. I’ve just taken Yan-yan off the street while I rectify your situation. Sit tight and I will be in touch. The line cuts off. Just after Tom puts the phone down, the letterbox flicks as a letter drops through it. Tom walks to it. Picks it up. It is stamped- “apologies for the delay” by the sorting office. It is addressed to him. He holds it to the light. Feels it. It looks like paper inside. Takes it to the kitchen work surface. Tentatively, he opens it. Nothing happens. He checks inside: there’s a wad of newspaper cuttings. Among the headlines: “Graduate found dead” “Woman Missing” “Concerns over lost son” TOM (whispering) No… The feeling of despair turns into a feeling of hatred.

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Tazinko avatar General Stranger

November 16, 2009

Tazinko

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Tazinko reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

It seems everything I asked for in a previous review just minutes ago show up here which is great. I enjoy the set up its classic and reminds me a little bit of a couple Clive Cussler novels. And again you do a nice job of ending a scene at a point of climax thus leaving the audience on edge. Again well done.

TerJa avatar General Stranger

November 01, 2009

TerJa Prolific-icon-medium

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TerJa reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Minor grammar point:  It should be “even FEWER people to look after them”  Not “LESS people”

This seems to be a rather static scene.  If I have the concept of what you are doing you have a phone conversation interspersed with news clips of fires and bombings.  It doesn’t really go anywhere.  Tom knows no more at the end of the conversation than he did before it started.  In fact, the things he does learn make him even more confused.

The plot part is OK if you cover the missing parts in scenes after this one.  My major problem is the lack of action for an extended period.  Shouting into a phone is loud, not active, and news clips are just that, news clips.

Maybe have something going on behind the scene, a killer creeping up on Tom, for  example.  Adding cuts to the killers progress adds both action and suspense.

My two cents worth.  Keep writing

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Matthewtuckey

Age: 27
Loc: United Kingdom
Gen: M
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