Poetry / welcome

I’ll leave the door open for you
You can come in if you’d like to
Just do not be faced with me
If you won’t belong to the sea
What’s inside is cold and bitter
Its restiched and vulnerable
The archetypes hang upside down
A kind smile is still just a frown
There’s a cave like a cavern that’s a woman
There’s a train inbound, crushing everything like a man
Grow your mind, slow it down
Scream your guts out or believe
Though I can’t fool you now
I’ve got big tricks up my sleeve
That threshold is stone and its glorious in its feign
You can go beyond it, come inside, use your muscles and your veins
Now close the door behind you
And sit on the bed
Shut your eyes and lay down
And I’ll fuck you in the head

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Reviews

November 10, 2009

tugendhm

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	100.0% (2 votes)	100.0%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Vienna, VA	November 16

tugendhm reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I think right off the bat the main critique point I would have regards the way you’re enjambing your lines. When you read Lines 1-2: it seems like the lines are running into each other. Same goes for lines 2-3; 5-6 etc. I would add (,) after these lines to slow the pace and regroup before the next line starts.

I think there are times when the rhyme scheme forces a rhyme, such as “Veins”. I also noticed that you leaned on a cliche (“tricks up my sleeve”) I would try and rework that as best you can.

Definitely giving you some bonus points for the suprise ending. It caught me off gaurd and completely changed the tone of the poem.

I enjoyed it.
Feel free to PM me with questions.

Tugendhm