Short Story / The Man who Ruined All

similtaneously --- simultaneously

As I searched for my destination of matrimony --- this sounds odd as how can she search for it when it’s already coming?

It was like the satin burning  in her eyes --- I’m not sure what this means either

spectically???

shreiked --- shrieked

your legal --- you’re

You freaking hoe --- ho

your just his little pet --- you’re

This starts pretty well but it ends suddenly with no climax; they’re arguing and then suddenly she leaves the room, and that’s that.
You could make the argument longer/more detailed and then either finish with something more shocking than somebody leaving the room, or alternatively, extend this so that we see what happens afterwards?

good luck working on it

I’m not sure if this is part of a larger piece, but I think this could do with a bit more detail as far as character. Right now, the  characters seem a little flat, and the dialogue makes it more so.

I very much like the dysfunctional family sort of idea of a 14 year old so in love with her older sister’s husband, that she’s willing to sacrifice the relationship between her and her sister.

I think some of the wordiness can be cleaned up and more direct, i.e. “It was like the burning in her eyes spread out over her face” instead of “It was like the satin burning  in her eyes was now sprawled out all over her face”. In that same line, I’d say watch your metaphores and make sure they’re exactly what you want them to say. What does “satin burning” actually mean? Smooth burning? Shiny burning? Soft burning?

Just a thought. I guess drawing more from reality would make this story ring more true and less flat. Thanks for letting us read it!

Since I know that you are young, I won’t be as harsh as I might otherwise be. You do show promise. But you don’t yet have many of the skills that it takes to write successful short fiction. A lot of this is due to the fact your English teachers don’t teach fiction writing. Part of it is that you are still in the process of growing as a writer.

The pluses: I understand your characters and the point of your story. It’s a fairly compelling type of story. It could be made into something successful.  Your grammar, vocab, and usage is pretty good.

Needs improvement: Your style is very melodramatic.  You try to use flowery phrasings that aren’t quite successful (satin burning  in her eyes was now sprawled out all over her face… what does that even mean?). I would suggest taking a more straight forward approach to writing this scene. Write in plain talk and see if the story is still interesting. If not, perhaps you need a stronger story.  Also, I don’t really feel like this story is over.  More needs to happen so that we can get to know each of these sisters.

• add/view comments (1)

October 28, 2009

by kjatt

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	40.0% (5 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
13	F	Ashland, MA	November 19

thanks! I’m really glad you didn’t just say it sucked, and yeah, I wrote this in about 2 minutes. ha. anyways, thanks, and I think i will take your advice. (:

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Ew this was kind of odd and creepy in a good way. A love triangle involving grown ups and a fourteen year old lol. I was just so uncomfortable reading the whole thing but at the same time enjoying every word of it. You kind of broke the rules of love triangles and made it fresh. I would add a little physical description but it works without.

• add/view comments (1)

October 28, 2009

by kjatt

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	40.0% (5 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
13	F	Ashland, MA	November 19

im glad you enjoyed it xD

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.