“about a guy whos addicted to his computer, a guy becoming a computer” -it’s a little of both of these.
Poetry / Binary
Perched under darkness
you once distracted
Facing into light
with pallid flashes
Without saying it
I admit defeat
Paralyzing fear
keeps me in my seat
Reality shorted
emitting distress
Crossed-wires soldered
to delightful flesh
I am insulated
now disconnected
Newborn nightly
by hope reflected
Digitally immersed
ported out, remote,
Eye-strained, snow-blind
my sleeping days float
Of being pushed out
no regret or fear
Because nowhere could
be further from here.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
tugendhm reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really enjoyed parts of this poem, but feel the flow is a little tangled. Certain points were fairly abrupt from a reader’s standpoint, such as “you once distracted Facing into light”.
I would recommend revisiting this line as well as how you enjamed throughout. Remember that you should end lines for a reason, such as emphasis or to enhance the flow of the poem.
Also, a few rhymes seemed forced from my perspective. I would look at lines 6 and 8.
I loved the lines “Crossed-wires soldered to delightful flesh”.
This work definitely has potential, it was a good read.
Feel free to PM me,
Tugendhm
- add/view comments (1)
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
this is cool. idk exactly what its about. but i guess its ambiguous in a good way because i can pin a lot of different possible meanings to it. its either about a guy whos addicted to his computer, a guy becoming a computer, a computer as the narrator, or a robot. it seems to work from each perspective. id like to know from which u wrote it, if any of those i mentioned. the rhyme scheme is okay, but i think it limits the power of this piece. this could be alot more graphic and intense and all that if u werent chained down to the rhyme. this is and creepy, chilling kinda piece to me. definitely dark. i like it. the title’s cool too. favorite line: “Crossed-wires soldered
to delightful flesh” awesome!
TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m at a loss as to what to say to this piece, either it’s brilliantly thought-provoking or just plain confusing, I’m not sure which.
There seem to be a lot of disconnected words; binary, insulated, disconnected, immersed, yet it does all eventually lead to computers and that familiar feeling of staring at one for so long.
Having said that, I’m going to reconsider what I first said.
Okay, I think this piece is very effective, with a little bit of thought, it can be made sense of, and it goes about it in a very abstract way, which is excellent. Instead of throwing the true content in our faces, it lets us FIND the true content, which I like.
The structure is solid, but I would have preferred it if it either read entirely like verse or spoken word. It feels somewhere in between, which I think distracts from what you’re actually saying.
Overall, excellent!
Thanks for the read
Fionn
LMPATE reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I felt there may have been a double meaning in this piece, but I admit that after reading it several times, I am left confused. I feel that it may be a love unreciprocated, that although it burns you to the quick, because of repetitive ill treatment, you are numb to it. The second meaning is that this is just a disconnect from the world of reality about you that you have become disillusioned with. That it can no longer push you any farther because you have hit rock bottom. It was well penned by I felt lacked direction for your reader unless this was your exact intent.
mikebyrd25 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like your poem.. I like the specific word use that was presented throughout the poem. To me, it’s the type of poetry that you can’t just read once and or twice and immediately comprehend the feeling that is expressed within the poem.
raebethmcgee reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Words used correctly.
Rhyming done well.
Comma use is correctly used.
Overall review on poem… great job… I could feel the feelings that are written within the poem. I loved it.
brookstacious reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I felt like the poem needed a little more detail about what you are talking about. Other than that I think it is a really cool poem.
h2bu97 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Great imagery. I espically liked the “Crossed- wires soldered, to delightful flesh”. Talk about pain.
The first line of the last stanze “Of being pushed out” does not flow as well as your other lines. It feels out of balance with the rest of the piece. Imagery wise, it works very well.
Great job!
Daniella reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Binary is such an intriguing title. Computers are based on the binary numbering system which consists of just two unique numbers, 0 and 1. Could the narrator be a computer, or a very refined robot such as in Stepford Wives? First, “paralyzing fear keeps me in my seat,” then at the end, “Of being pushed out
no regret or fear
Because nowhere could
be further from here.”
I would guess that the computer has been retired because it just blew up, but could it be used for sinister doings like those implied by the mysterious words, “Reality shorted
emitting distress
Crossed-wires soldered
to delightful flesh?” meaning a torture device? Or is it meant figuritively, such as now connected to a computer as a human who is addicted to their computer? I love this poem and would add it to my favorites but I’m not sure I’m on the right track. What I really need to do is speak with the poet.
Great metaphor.
maxhappyface reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
The poem makes me think that you’re being trapped in some kind of digital land. I enjoy’d this poem. I don’t know what concepts and idea’s were in your mind when you were writing it, but the concepts and such that I got from it were pretty cool, and thats why I liked it. Although, I had to read it a couple times to get it. I don’t know if you want to paint clearer images by using longer lines and more descriptive words to get across a more specific idea, or if you want to just keep it vague like it is. I like things vague though, beacuse then it gives the readers mind a flexibility to make it personal for themselves.
Showing 1 - 10 of 23
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
18 Reviews 17 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 11 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 206 Times
Skipped: 10 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |