Thanks for the constructive advice. Your viewpoint means a lot to me.
Novel Treatments / Dream Encounters (Analysis)
Winston Chaney threw down his copy of the Times. The People's Front Party soldiers had killed more people in Europe and America, for food rioting. Closing his eyes did very little to ease his anger, he felt like a child, frustrated, and all he could about it was kick over a chair. The chair did not break; it tottered for a bit and then righted itself. His ineffectual act seemed to mock him, as if the chair knew he was useless.
Winston desperately wanted to change things; to stop the killings. Before the People's Front Party rose to power he enjoyed his career and excelled in it as an MP for the shadow Lionsgate Party. The People's Front Party gained seats across the globe. Everyone, except Winston feared reprisals for standing against them.
Depression and paranoia became a disturbing friend to Winston. He overheard comments in the corridors and restrooms. “Has he gone mad?”, “Upstart!”, “His parliamentary reforms can only be viewed as crazy,”, “He has got to go – for the sake of the party or he will bring us all down.” Their voices fuelled his despair as each comment replayed itself over and over in his mind.
Winston knew he had a choice to make and fast. I could continue with my career as long as I toe the line. I’ll be forced to accept the only changes I could make would be inconsequential and insignificant.
Winston drove home to his Kensington flat and parked his Mercedes in the garage. He felt weary and tense as he opened the front door. Out of habit he poured a large glass of Jim Beam and Coke then sat in his favorite armchair. He purposely left the lights off; the distraction of light interfered with his thoughts. Slowly, his tension eased, soothed and sedated by the warmth and intoxication of three glasses of Jim Beam. He placed his glass carefully on the coffee table beside him and reclined further back in the armchair.
He could see a woman way ahead of him surrounded by a dull barren landscape. She was slender with long dark hair. There was something magnetic and enchanting about her. Winston hurried towards her still form. Why was she alone in what appeared to be a desert? Finally Winston caught up with her. She was crying.
“Why are you crying?” he asked.
She replied, “Because everything is wrong.”
“I know,” answered Winston. “But how can we make it right?"
She looked up and smiled, enabling Winston to gaze upon her dark brown eyes that looked so sad.
At that point Winston woke from his dream. It was 3:00 a.m. He remembered clearly every visual detail and conversation that took place. His body felt tired and yet his mind whirred with pleasure as bold, colourful images of her flashed before him. Despite her sadness he still felt buzzed out by her presence. He felt as though the dream meant something, something important. All day he had felt alone and isolated; now he felt comforted and stronger.
Winston felt stronger as he sat at his desk the next day. He would use every ounce of his power to find a solution to the biggest problem, poverty. If only he could get a bit of optimism. He felt like a lone soldier stuck behind enemy lines with no form of escape. The world is fucked and there is nothing I can do about it.
Winston arrived back home from work around 1:00 a.m. It had been a long day. Confusing thoughts plagued his mind. He walked to his drinks cabinet and poured himself a liberal measure of scotch with little water. Wearily he slumped sat on his favorite armchair. Winston’s mind chased around for missing answers, but his thinking process was buffered by the strains of the day.
He looks around and is astonished to see hundreds, if not thousands of people, with the same climbing task; they share his troubled expression. Looking up at the summit he sees the same lady from his other dreams; she is waiting to greet the climbers. Determination takes over and he continues with the climb.
He must speak with her again. Luckily in this dream he is an extremely competent climber and can see the summit edging ever closer. Panting with the physical effort involved he makes the final few steps and reaches her. This time she is not crying and she passes him a bottle of water, which he gratefully receives.
“We keep meeting but I don’t know your name,” he said.
“My name is Josephine, and your name?”
“My name is Winston. How can I find you?”
“Easy. The key is to find the light.”
Winston recounted his dream over and over in his mind and was moved by its clarity and realism, almost as if it was not a dream at all, but an actual event.
He visualized the features of Josephine; her long dark hair and darker eyes, her slim form, her slow graceful movements and it gladdened his heart. Then he remembered her important message: the key is to find the light.
Feeling a sense of urgency Winston powered up his computer and went to the search page. First of all he typed in the key is to find the light; pages of random religious sites appeared. He clicked in and out of each one finding little of interest. His eyes became strained, his vision blurred, tiredness set in. It was 5.20 a.m.: his thoughts drifted to the notion that he should pack up and get some sleep. He typed in find the light, and then he saw her: Josephine.
Winston stared at the screen for a long time in disbelief. A list of unanswered questions filled his thoughts. How on earth can this be real? I cannot believe she really exists. And yet I am staring at her in the face. What shall I do? What can I do? Should I make contact? He typed her a note and posted it through her site.
Dearest Josephine
I cannot believe you are real and you are more than a dream. I need to see you again. Please agree to meet me. None of this makes any sense to me. Help me to understand.
With all my heart
Winston
Winston could not face going to Parliament that day, he was expected, but all he could think about was Josephine.
Josephine was amazed and delighted to read Winston’s message. She re-read his message over and over again, as if she could not believe its reality.
Ever since she had met him in her dreams she could not stop thinking about him and here was his message as real as her cat Molly. She typed out a reply, but deleted every line, feeling useless at her inability to convey the right words to show her thoughts and feelings. In an act of desperation she just typed out her mobile number and a kiss, she pressed send without a moments thought.
“Why did I do that? I must be mad. He will think I am. Why isn’t there an undo key for email?”
The sound of her mobile ringing caused her heart to miss a beat, holding her breath she picked up the phone and looked at the display. She did not recognize the number.
“Hello”
“Josephine?”
“Winston?”
A prolonged pause of anticipation traveled along the airways, as they both embraced the knowledge that their destinies were set with each other.
“Where are you? I need to see you.”
“I’m at home. Where are you?”
“Hopefully on my way over. Where is that exactly?”
Calmly, without her usual sense of panic or fear of visitors she gave Winston her address.
“I’m leaving now. I should be with you in less than a hour.”
“See you soon.”
Josephine felt excited and worried all at the same time. She was surprised by his accent, very public school boy, like a BBC presenter from the 1960’s. In her dreams she had not noticed that. All of her life Josephine had been poor, her parents were poor and for some people this had been an issue. Wealthy people on the whole tended to look down on the less fortunate.
Molly her cat sensed that something was up and nestled herself on Josephine’s lap. She did her best but I love you routine, rubbing herself back and forth against her arm whilst purring at full volume. Delighted by Molly’s antics she put her worries to one side, and scratched her furry friend behind the ears. Molly jumped off Josephine’s lap in response to the screeching of the gate, the only time it made that sound was when Josephine returned home. This time the sound was made by Winston. Josephine followed Molly to the door, opening it before Winston had a chance to knock. She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life and they greeted each other naturally as old friends would. Molly brushed herself against Winston’s leg, feeling curious about this stranger.
“Who is this?” he said, leaning down to stroke her ear.
“This is Molly, she kind of adopted me.”
“You made a good choice there Molly,” he said addressing the cat, who had now grown bored of his company. She strutted off after stiffening and making a show of turning her back to him. “I don’t think she is impressed by me,” he said.
“It’s not you, we don’t really have visitors.”
“I think that is all about to change, you are becoming a very significant being.”
“Not really, I am having an experience that thousands of people share.”
“Me included. I can’t believe what has happened, my dream was real, you are real.”
“Nothing really surprises me anymore, not with what I have been through.”
“We were meant to be together, you and I. Do you sense that?”
“I invited you here didn’t I, that must tell you something.” Josephine paused and regretting her words added. “Sorry, of course you are right, there is a higher power working here, and we must just go with it.”
“I’m not that bad am I?”
“I didn’t mean that. I know nothing about you. What do you do?”
“You mean how do I earn a living. I guess you don’t watch the news. I am an MP for the Lionsgate Party.”
“That must be difficult, with all this.”
“It doesn’t help no. I considered quitting but decided in the end it might do more good if I stayed. The dreams and everything have turned my world upside down.”
“At least you are not crazy.”
“Why would you say that?”
“When this all started I felt as though I was losing my mind. I did some crazy, stupid things, ended up in a mental hospital. It’s the voices that is the hardest thing to bear.”
“Well you don’t seem at all crazy to me, quite the opposite in fact. If I started hearing voices I would question my own sanity.”
“Thanks for that. It means a lot, what you think.”
“I am a mere humble MP, my opinion counts for very little.”
“Anyway that is all in the past. It is the future we should be worried about.”
“Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything about you.”
“There is not a lot to tell really. I used to paint, but I don’t have the heart for it now. My mum was quite famous for her artwork, I wanted to be just like her, but I don’t have the talent or the passion.”
“There is an art to what you do, bringing all these people together, that means more than a painting. Does you mum still paint?”
“No, she doesn’t, she died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, she led a great life, full of happiness. She wouldn’t be happy in this world.”
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boniface11 reviewed Version 10 -
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Megan_Solari reviewed Version 9 -
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dcyuelling reviewed Version 9 -
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jonny2469 reviewed Version 9 -
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The first 11 of the 20 pages of this review were all formatting scribble. Just to let you know. Here’s the typo/punctuation error breakdown.
‘Everyone, except Winston feared…’ there should be a comma after Winston
‘I’ll be forced to accept the only changes …’ comma after accept
‘Slowly, his tension eased, soothed and sedated by the’ no comma after slowly, then either a semi-colon or a conjunction after eased
“now he felt comforted and stronger….Winston felt stronger as he sat ” not sure if this redundancy was intended, thought it might have been a typo
‘He walked to his drinks cabinet’ drink cabinet (weak), or wet bar, or liquor closet, but the way you have it, even without the apostrophe, makes it sound like your ‘drinks’ own the cabinet themselves
‘Luckily in this dream he…’ comma after luckily
‘He visualized the features of Josephine; her long dark hair and…’ should have a colon at the beginning of list, not a semi-colon
‘Feeling a sense of urgency Winston powered…’ comma after urgency
‘she could not stop thinking about him and here was his…’ comma before and
‘Calmly, without her usual sense of panic or fear of visitors she gave…’ comma after visitors
‘poor, her parents were poor and for…’ comma after the second poor
‘Molly her cat sensed that something was up’ commas setting apart her cat, plus we already know it’s her cat so just cut it
‘She did her best but I love you routine, rubbing herself back and forth against her arm whilst purring at full volume.’ misplaced modifiers (her back against her arm, need to set but I love you off with single quotes or dashes
‘Delighted by Molly’s antics she put her…’ comma after antics
‘screeching of the gate, the only time it made…’ two independent clauses need to be connected by a semi colon or conjunction.
‘known Winston all of her life and they greeted each…’ comma after life
believe it or not, I left most of the dialog errors out because at heart I think you can punctuate dialog however you want. But more truthfully cutting and pasting was getting tedious.
Of course I didn’t comment on word choice, story logic, and sentence structure, or general content. I hate to say it but the issues are much like punctuation else, full of amateur mistakes. Maybe stick to short stories until you get the basics down. You’re not ready for a novel. Sorry. Work hard though, and a few years down the road you’ll realize your goals.
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shadow_loveless reviewed Version 9 -
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The reviewer notes are tantalizing enough but page 1-10 are glitched and full of html jargon. After that mess, its good stuff. I would suggest you slow it down a bit. More of the details. Feelings, sounds, flavors. Engage the terrain a bit more, that which we pass through and that which exists within the characters. Drawing it out a bit makes the reader ache to know more. Otherwise it’s a fresh perspective and I find it interesting.
Deadsage reviewed Version 7 -
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your opening is too passive. I felt my attention drifting due to this being all a summary of what has already happened.
You would do this story a great service by removing all the things that just “were” and making them actually happen. Example: “In Europe and America people were being shot by the People’s Front Party soldiers…” – “The People’s Front Party soldiers regularly shot rioters all over Europe and America.” I won’t burn all your credits pointing this out, but it’s all over this chapter.
“felt adrift on the sea without a paddle” -cliche alert.
“He could see a [woman] ” -typo
“in what appeared to be a desert” -is it a desert or does it just appear that way?
“he remembered clearly every visual detail and conversation that took place, with a clarity rare to linger from a dream..” -repetative, why not choose whether he “remembered with a clarity…” or just leave the sentence off at ”...took place.” also there is an extra period.
you shouldn’t summarize “the next six months” or the “faceless teacher” as the reader I feel robbed by not getting the details of his slow transition and the wisdom of this teacher.
“banging his head against a brick wall” -cliche alert
“chased around for a missing answer ” -verb usage issue. you look around for something, you don’t chase around for it, you just chase it.
“his [inbox]” inbox is one word in this usage.
“like a BBC presenter from the 1960’s” -I thought the year was 2024… she’d have to be 80+ years old to make that connection.
“Molly[,] her cat[,] sensed that something was up ” -punctuation help.
“She did her best “I love you” routine…” -quotes to make this read smoothly
The “shes” and “hers” get confusing with Molly and Josephine.
“It doesn’t help[,] no.” -a little more natural.
The dialogue is decent, though a little more straight forward than most people tend to be. Though with the falling in and out of dreams, it does stand to reason that things would be unrealistic.
Overall, I think your story has promise, but you need to work on creative expression over cliches and action movies. Which this felt heavily weighed down by.
Jane_R reviewed Version 7 -
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The situation is intriguing. The contrast in characters is good. Winston’s dilemma is real and potent. Do try to imagine more physical details and use them to convey things rather than spelling out abstractly.
For example, the opening is an “info dump.” I wonder how to get around the flat statements and passive voice. How about giving us the scene first: ”Winston winced and ran his finger around his collar, trying to avoid the panic invoked by the comment he’d just overheard….” then tell the comment, then give some background.
cliche phrases: ”at sea without a paddle”, “gaze upon”, “gladdened his heart”, “their destinies would be entwined forever”, “She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life”
avoid redundancies such as “Fellow colleagues” and “inconsequential and insignificant”
typo: “He could see a women way” woman
“still form” is both over-used and not-quite-right here. Is she sitting? Standing? give visual detail.
after the first dream (p2), it jumps to “W was resolute”—can you spell out greater connection, continuity? we have 2 paragraphs of generalities and then jump to a specific day “He arrived home around 1:00 a.m.” Try to orient us better and give transition.
again when he comes back from the dream—place him back in his physical setting before you say: “Winston recounted his dream over…”
“A prolonged pause of anticipation traveled along the airways” is a great wording, but it is diluted by the rest of the sentence—because we know already that they are intertwined. perhaps show one of them reacting, sweating, trembling.
In general, try to give us specific, personal, bodily reactions rather than summaries. “She felt as if she had known Winston all of her life” could be “She felt a wave of relaxation move through her shoulders and back, where she always was tense, a familiar yet unfamiliar sense of safety.” or the like.
in the paragraph, “Molly her cat sensed…” the succession of “she”s is unclear—J is the subject, then cat, then J. Clarify.
I like the dialogue about the cat and the world—it picks up the pace and works well. It is very strong, the scene in the gallery, the talk about her mother. Your dialogue is strong and adds a lot of life.
Then as they are walking, “Like most people they remained blasé about the growing levels of violence.” huh?? these 2 seem anything but blase. What do you mean and is it needed here? the previous sentence about losing their fears seems unneeded—the talk makes it clear.
RavenJake reviewed Version 6 -
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This shows a good imagination and is pretty fun to read. The thing that strikes me the most about it is the potential. There are some technical issues that need to be addressed as well as some plot points. It’s a good story that could be a great story so here are some suggestions that can hopefully help out a little.
Though you may mean Churchill, everyone will be thinking Smith.
“In Europe and America people were being shot by the People’s Front Party soldiers, just because they wanted to eat.”
Everyone is dead and the story is over… They aren’t being shot because they want to eat, everyone wants to eat. They have to be shot as the result of some sort of action that is motivated from that starvation for it to make sense.
felt adrift on the sea of life without a paddle.
cut out “of life” as it removes you from the imagery
Get rid of all the passive actions, here are some examples from your story:
had always enjoyed=enjoyed
were now starting to regard=regarded
feeling=felt
had purposely=purposely
were becoming strained=strained
“His mind gently became soothed and sedated by the warmth and intoxication of the now third glass of Jim Beam.”
Passive sentence.
reclined further back
farther
The dialog tags of asked, replied and answered are all redundant as they should be implied by the text. No one needs to be told that a question mark at the end of a sentence implies a question. Said, or character action (with an occasional scream or whisper) is sufficient.
“At that point Winston and his mystery lady awoke from their dreams.”
It has not been established that she is an actual person. The reader will think “Julia,” given the name Winston, and a rendezvous with a girl.
He looked around …climbing task
This sentence needs a set up.
recounted his dream over and over in his mind and was
remove “in his mind”
I’m going to end with this as this suggestion, were you to like it, would change the course of the chapter a little bit:
“Josephine was amazed and delighted to read Winston’s message.”
This is too much of a focus and perspective jump. You should focus on Winston’s anxiety while he impatiently waits for a message that may or may not be coming. He shouldn’t mention the dream in his first letter, as that is a logical jump that he should be apprehensive about.
To follow it up with a mysterious reply, from her, that validates the dream will be far more impactful for the reader. Keep they mystery, and making the meeting a mystery- that plot point will drive your story forward. It’s already there, it could simply be adjusted so that the reader could feel that sense of unknown and be driven by curiosity to read on. Don’t give away her motives, feelings or actual personality. The reader should even question whether she is protagonist or antagonist.
LadyKat reviewed Version 6 -
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[Is this two different people talking? If not, separate]
“Upstart!” “His parliamentary reforms can only be viewed as crazy,”
and, the most damaging of all,
Dearest Josephine[,]needs comma.
I would suggest you research the topic to make sure your addition of politics in your story is realistic. Good dialogue.
[is this the same person talking? If not, I suggest separating this.]
Pg 7. “I bet you miss her?” “I always knew she would die young. She lived life in the fast lane, never stopping, embracing life.” She lived more in one year than most people live in a lifetime.
[On the sentences when you have the quotations like this I am wondering also if you are intended to put a narrative in between]
“I bet you miss her?” “I always knew she would die young. She lived life in the fast lane, never stopping, embracing life. She lived more in one year than most people live in a lifetime.”
[also in this sentence, same thought]
“And you?” “I am not my mother, I would like to be.”
I suggest reading what you have written outloud to make sure it reads like you want it to. This helps during proofreading.
pigpen reviewed Version 6 -
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A few things, not exhaustive:
okay, page two, Winston’s dreaming, and then….
“For many months Winston met his mystery lady every night in his dreams and they traveled following the teachings of their spirit guide together.”
What?
I think you could spend a great deal more time on Winston’s dreaming, and explain all of this.
Pages 6 & 7: the dialogue. I don’t know who is saying what after a few lines, needs some he said, she said at least.
Find the Light, the Site: we know nothing about it, why its important, etc.
This could serve as the backbone for a lot of explanation, and be a great start. Some things would bear fleshing out significantly, and the dialogue could use some attention.
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