I just was able to open your review, which I’ve awaited anxiously to read. I’ve been rewriting this piece with edits.
I’m going to use your suggestions
Novel Treatments / Freedom in Alaska (Analysis)
Stepping out onto the plane’s steps, my Sicilian smile spread into the wind as I felt your hand in the small of my back egg me on. My smile spread even bigger turning around to smile right into your sparkling eyes. Freedom in Alaska!
I turned to the mountains, turned to your steps behind me, and shouted against the wind, “How hot is this?!” “Alaska’s our new retreat Tim! Man, You really took me here!”
Your wise happy eyes looked upward into the globe’s open sky, and I released so much stress from the flight just hearing you laugh now. My heart eased into a calm we were going to happy here as a couple.
We rounded the pavement at the bottom of the steps as we observed the snow packed open land, and fuzzy bluish mountains bold against the white. Our laugh, simultaneous, brought our hips together as we kissed.
We just let our free energy guide us twenty feet toward a warm little Eskimo man we may have both mentally thought he may be the one meeting us. Our idea was right.
“Our New York wayfarers are part of Alaskan country for a while, hey?”
Tim’s soft smile, confident nod, and my bright eyes just expressed a simple yes.
“Mr. Tim Satri?”
“Yes sir, Tim’s good!” He laughed.
Happy as ever all over my face, “Marisa D’Alessio here,” I expressed.
“We all need a little peace for our heart……..Alaskan country is all your heart will need! Marcus Childee, your friend and guide.”
“How I may attend to you, is up to you! I’ll self-sacrifice a night’s sleep if you shall want something you truly deserve. A small plane to Kutchkin, a hike up Kahiltna , rappelling down ice canyons………or perhaps a cottage for your pleasure on our smooth Lake over the mountain….be completely open, and I’ll provide of course.”
“Our accomendations for tonight, is all I wish to ask for now Marcus.”
“Our private bear country lodge which treats honorary guests from our list is for tonight Sir Timothy.”
“Quite…but, I’m not a sir just yet…A humble sound engineer is what I am.” Tim broke out his big smile for him! Lol I thought.
Up into a wind-breaking helicopter we went, and off over evergreen touched lakes, cusps of mountains which lingered among the cloud wisps beneath us- we were headed back country Alaska!
The wilderness I had always dreamed about…….now my romantic interest called me to.
************
I almost backed out of strolling downstairs on my own to breezily ‘hang out’ in front of the fire, without causing eyes to roll among the other ‘list’ guests, that Childee described. I was feeling apprehensive about the label of ‘local Brooklyn kid at heart’ 30 something ‘girl’ who has on her arm the thrill of her life- the older man well double her age!
But, here I was in my yoga fitted fushia top being the awkward kid I almost able to be indulging in the fire, with a lanky composure. I tried to casually swing my leg over the arm of the coach and mediate on the fire in the fireplace.
Childee rustled his steps through the screen door, and I nearly hopped into the fire by my knee jerk, and bouncing up from the couch.
‘Oh, hello!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I startle you?”
My eyes looked liked they wanted to inspire confidence. “Yes, …I was meditating.” I straightened up and thoughtfully conceded, “I’m pretty much here to gather up my rosebuds as they say.”
“How does a woman gather up her rosebuds?” He genuinely asked.
“Lots of loose emotions, like rosebuds, need to be tied up like a sack to come together for me to figure out how I'm feeling………….feeling in love. I feel it's just right sometimes, and sometimes I'm not quite sure. If I take some time here, I'll find the reassurance I need perhaps. ”
“How do you find your emotions loose?”
“They need grounding, I feel, to support the awe I have for them.”
“Being in love is a question for you then, not an answer?”
“When I'm with him, I feel my love for him is my answer to those questions I have when I'm apart from him. Alaska's a peaceful hope for me to be one with myself you see."
“If peace is what you seek, Miss, you need to hear what your heart is telling you.”
“How peace comes to me is through listening, …yes,” I needed to hear my voice linger in the breeze coming in, because the coolness from outside cemented my imagination that moment as if in a freeze.
“..you need to hear…what your heart is telling you...”
Who was coming in surprised me just as much as Childee had, because it wasn’t Tim. I expected him somehow to jump out of my imagination at times; he was so vivid to me. But, an unfamiliar presence excited me; being social always ignited a sense of a good newness within me.
A friendly chestnut eyed, similarily youthful woman to myself walked in with such a self-directed gait that Childee followed her with his eyes, and so did I. Our eyes followed her gait, as she flowed right to the warmest spot in the room to sit on the couch by the open fireplace, seemingly in tune with herself but not making eye contact with Childee or myself. She opened up a softcover book of study and cuddled into the corner of the couch.
She softly raised her eyes and curiously smiled.
“Are you here on retreat?” I was so bold to ask her.
“I’m away from work for some personal study and reflection…I’m hoping to resolve some of my feelings about clashes at work and between family.” She wrinkled her chin and looked thoughtful in her face.
“I have met a lot of conflict too recently that I’m trying to resolve up here!” I laughed with an umph. We both relaxed a little and I came over to her on the couch. “Marisa from good ol’ Brooklyn, New York,” I said with a smirk.
“Are your roots in Italy, Mari-sa?” she emphasized my last vowel like my mom would.
“Yes, I’m a very passionate Italian. Are you also from Italy?”
“Sono di Milan. Abito in Shi-ca-gO…and, I’m Laura,” she tilted her head. I could tell she felt better because her face relaxed.
“I’m not much into fashion, but it feels good hearing you pronunciate with such an Italian inflection. I try to speak as much as I can, now my mom passed away about five years back. Do you live in the States alone?”
“I’m here sola sola; My family is in Milan, and I’m here on a career move.”
“How good a job, may I ask?”
“Magazine editor for a posh music magazine based in Shicago.”
“Are you so tired of Kanye West and his swag by now?” I quipped.
“Tired is so out; the new cover on him doesn’t have him!” We broke out laughing.
I beagn with enthusiasm, “How good music is, is how good is brought out of the people who can listen to it. I can dance to a hip hop or a ‘radio’ song so many times before it gets lame real fast!”
“Do you go to clubs for your job?”
“Only if they send me. But, it’s cool. I’m a club girl when I want to be.”
My throat naturally made a deep mmmh in exultation of that feeling in me to club it up.
I started, “I never had a friend to go to a club with that I was truly ‘feeling’, ..you know what I mean by ‘feeling’ someone you’re with?”
“Certo, sure I do. More than not, I’m as down-home as you get.”
“But, seruiously are you a dancer, in a club sense though?”
“I’m as loose as I can be, without getting too annoyed at the crowd. I don't drink much either, which helps me have a better time.” She brought her shoulders back, and looked actually happy she expressed that thought. Then, she paused and folded her hands on her knee.
I continued, “I’m all chilled out when I dance. But, I also need to feel comfortable in my space. I'm shy too," I nodded profusely. " I can understand!!” We both looked at each other, shrugged the Italian way: both hands being brought up with a what the heck shrug of the shoulders and facial expression of doubt.
For a moment, we both eased back into the bear fur couch, stared at the moose horns above dumbfounded. Then, broke out laughing.
Childee was gone, so we just laxed out and talked for awhile about Bensonhurst Italian Americans, Milanese and how the guys and girls think, and what makes for a good time for both of us. Things seemed normal again for me. I was just me without the idea that I was ruffling feathers with my relationship with Tim.
We hung over the porch’s top ledge with our arms and reminisced about everything different and similar that was Italian in us, until we couldn’t see the mountains in the distance anymore over the slow lapping lake.
A really loud shizzzzzzzzz popped our heads up to say something was next that we were expected to. “It’s dark, so maybe that’s dinner-you think?”
“Pretty sure,” Laura pulled herself off the porch’s fence, and we started in.
All I noticed were guys at the table, and my Tim was saying something comical and in-depth which engaged the two other guys heads to be put together thoughtfully.
“I guess we’re coming in on a discussion,” I let out with a laugh.
Childee and Tim were sitting with a new man in the middle. He was around Laura and I's age. I’d say mid thirties to early forties. God, he’s not my type of guy! Maybe, I’ll let Tim joke with him at dinner lol.
Laura nestled into a lodgeman’s chair next to me, and I sat adjusting my legs to be a little closer to each other since I was a lady next to Tim.
Tim eased back and smiled to joke, “We’re just talking about the funny idea of going clamming in the morning, if our hands don’t freeze up from being deep in the lake's mud!”
“I’d love to go clamming! Do you know best where the clams are Childee?” I obviously raised the energy level of the room by my voice.
“Every one of them, if I could bet my life on it!”
“We’ll just take a bucket then,” I said with certainty.
“How could we eat them,” the new guy jumped in.
“Maybe, there’s a big pot Childee has, and we could make some seafood soup so they’ll open up.”
Laura and Tim thought I was being comical, but I saw I could encourage the idea. “Is there fish that’s easy to catch in our lake here?”
“Quite early there'll be fish out , around 5am; if you could get up at that time to see the top of the lake turn crimson red as the sun comes up. At least two of us would need to get up, and take a canoe out if you’d like that,” was Childee’s offer.
“Do you want to try fishing Marisa?” Tim was so sweet about accepting my adventurous ideas.
“God, you’re good about accepting a challenge Tim! What about you and I take a boat, or rather canoe out, and Laura and…, I’m sorry what’s your name?”
“Joel!” he looked amused.
“…Joel and Laura here could wake the earth to get some clams for us with the help of our trusted friend Childee?”
“I’m good with my hands,” Laura's eyes widened unusually I thought. With her making eye contact with everyone at the table, and everyone's looking for an objection, we just shook our heads amazed at ourselves.
“This is quite awesome, if I say so myself.” I saw potential in this moment, and my sure arm came around Tim as we both kissed. Our dinner had just started off with a bang.
Tim and I were just beginning to make a great couple in this social circle I thought. One that I, maybe, encouraged us to form at this table. Maybe this idea of being social was not as intimidating for me. He was 69 and I was 34, but I was not anxious right now about how people would accept me. On the subway in New York City, people had dropped faces when they saw us together. I was haunted by their faces during brief moments in public with my man.
Now, I felt I was wholesome again. No surprises from people's faces, and I was Ok with being me. I wasn't what my cousin had said about me afterall. I wasn't a dirty girl. I laughed at the thought, as I felt the comfort of hot apple apple in my mouth. Maybe I was here to feel peace with my world. Now, Tim could be seen with me and I could feel peace for a moment.
I could have rounded the banister with my arm outstretched and hand grasped on the end. I saw it was time to hit the sack, but my energy hinted I felt 'new' again. I lingered though, as did Tim, to say friendly good nights. Then I indulged myself and told Laura my fantasy that I'd get invited to a red carpet event one day, since Tim was a marvelous sound man for many movies back in the day!
We both laughed, because I really did have an affection for showing off, and I had expressed an affection for Tim to her as well. I wanted to be seen next to Tim with myself all 'swagged out'. Only I said that expression. And, I was the woman who wanted to be 'swagged out' with an older man. But, it had to be Tim. That's where I was right now...with Tim.
With Tim...I repeated to myself. And, I actually basketballed up the stairs before him like only I at 34 could do!
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NeonAngel reviewed Version 3 -
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“just hearing you laugh now. My heart eased into a calm we were going to happy here as a couple.” I think is should be ‘eased into a calm state’ or something like that. “………or perhaps a cottage for your pleasure on our smooth ” There was dialogue before those dots, and so you need to put a space after the dots. Looks better without the space, I know, but grammar-wise, the space should be there before ‘or’. “Tim broke out his big smile for him! Lol I thought.” Lol…....? Never, never,(Or shouldn’t) never, never, never, never use “Lol/LoL/lol/rofl/lmao/”! Don’t use chat-talk in a story, first-person, second-person, it doesn’t matter, never use it in a story. If a character is messaging someone, “I laughed at the reply, and replied to him using Lol.” That maybe would do, other than that, I wouldn’t say so.
“The wilderness I had always dreamed about…….now my romantic interest called me to.” (I think that should be ‘called me too’ maybe, maybe not….) I don’t know what you were doing in the beginning either, it seemed like you were trying make the reader feel like she/he was there too. There is more errors, but, I won’t point them out. As most likely other people already have.
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GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 3 -
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Your use of “you” (as in I felt your hand at the small of my back) then refering to Tim as Tim is confusing. I know from a previous read that Tim is the one who put his hand there but it just seems confusing to write as if you are writing a letter to him and then to turn around and refer to him in the “third person”.
“A really loud shizzzzzzzzz popped our heads up to say something was next that we were expected to. “It’s dark, so maybe that’s dinner-you think?””
This sentence is a little difficult to follow. I might word it something like I really loud shizzzz alerted us to the fact we were expected somewhere. Or something of that nature.
The new guy at dinner, Joel, describe him a little more. Why is he not her type? Also, where you state that you will let Tim joke with him…leave the LOL off. Doesn’t work in this setting I don’t think.
Just a few things that caught my eye.
Otherwise you are on the right track.
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 2 -
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There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors
All of this sentence “what the heck shrug of the shoulders and facial expression of doubt.” should not be in italics… I think only the “what the heck” should be.
I think you have a good story line that you are working on but there is a lot that needs to be worked on.
I’m not an editor but I am an avid reader and I had quite a bit of trouble following this piece.
I think you are off to a good start though.
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your writing style for a lit mag. (don’t let anyone piss on you about sparce use of commas, an editor will fix if they don’t like it).
Note to punctuation whores: comma use has become increasingly a matter of style—especially for lit and artsy peices.
I liked it but did find that the ending just kind of dropped off without really making wrapping anything up. I presume this isn’t finished, right? Is this supposed to be a short story for a lit magazine, or a novel? You do have both on your criteria so please forgive my confusion.
If its a novel, keep going. If it is meant to be a finished work, I think the ending needs work, but the rest is very compelling and the characterization very fresh.
Keep playing with this! Its a worthy endeavor!
ganymede56 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a fairly decent read, but it’s confusing and I struggled to find the story here. The excessive use of dialog needs to be countered with narrative, as well, which will allow your reader to have a better chance at knowing what is going on. And the dialog is written in such a static way that it’s not natural, doesn’t resemble the way people speak.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really interesting. You use language in a most unusual way. Syntax and word meanings are slightly left of field and this creates an other worldly feel. I like that. I maybe didn’t quite understand it all but it is fascinating. You need to be careful with grammar. The lack of commas can be a little off-putting.
amiblackwelder reviewed Version 1 -
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My smile spread even bigger turning around to smile right into your sparkling eyes ( I would say: my lips spread even wider turning around, engaged in your sparkling eyes).
I like the story about Alaska, something don’t written about much.
Conversation leading to conversation in a group (conversation leading to dialgoue in the group)?
intermix your dialogue with action rom your characters and thier faces, looks.
Spend more time with a thesaurus to not repeat words too much ( I tend to do that and I have to go back with a thesaurus and re word many repeated words.)
Otherwise, I like the original concept and would like to see more.
I wouldnt go to a publisher now, it still needs work.
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