Haiku/Senryu / Beauty-Heart

This is a great start to a poem, but in haiku/senryu you need to use certain structure.
The basic 5-7-5 3 line syllables, but not always.
To manipulate the words/syllables correctly you need to study haiku.
The basics are..

lines 3

first line 5 syllables
second 7
third 5

A reference to nature
and two line make the third true.

The, I, All, too, to and with are filler words. Try to use words that convey your feeling without telling the whole message and meaning.

If you changed “lying” to “lies” you would then have the 17 syllables for a haiku or senryu; THEN, the THREE lines would be:

the beauty lies deep
with your heart all too dearly
I don’t want to part

This is, perhaps, a bit too ambiguous for most readers—could you make your thoughts clearer?

A decent start, though.

Keep on!

TA

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November 16, 2009

by SkyeRayven

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16	F	Arvada, CO	November 19

Thanks =]

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Nice little poem bit it’s not haiku. For haiku you need three lines only. First line: 5 syllables, second: seven, third: five. Under ‘poetry’ it might be rated better. You would then also have an opportunity to expand it.

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October 27, 2009

by SkyeRayven

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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16	F	Arvada, CO	November 19

Alrighty, thanks =]

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Well, first off, your a few syllables over (two to be precise). You don’t necessarily have to adhere to the 5/7/5 line format, but most folks at least shoot for seventeen syllables.

Second, while you’ve got the present tense, it’s a passive present tense. Most haikus are active. For example, instead of “The beauty that lies”, a better start would be “The beauty lying”.

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October 16, 2009

by SkyeRayven

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
172	75.6% (41 votes)	75.4%

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16	F	Arvada, CO	November 19

Okay thank you so much! I will probably rewrite another version of this. Just a random thought that ran through my head one day…haha!

October 16, 2009

by SkyeRayven

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
172	75.6% (41 votes)	75.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Arvada, CO	November 19

made a second on a spur of the moment after reading ur review. Let me know if its an improvement please.

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