Hah alright, good point. That part actually happened is why it’s in the story, but I should write it up to at least sound like it isn’t expected to be so clever.
Flash Fiction / Brink (Analysis)
The icy water pulsed with powerful vibrations; I could feel the deep rumblings of the two-hundred foot plummet of Horseshoe Falls ahead of me.
It’s nice, I think. This is as beautiful as I’d hoped it’d be.
I’d even gone out with a clever line:
I’d been standing just outside of the barrier that was supposed to keep tourists from doing what I’d done.
- Are you going to jump? some snooty woman with a camera had asked.
Yes, I’d answered smoothly as I crossed my arms over my chest and spun backwards into the freezing river.
Niagara Falls was beautiful in the Spring.
The water pulls at me incessantly; my clothes are tugging my body along the river towards the drop. It’s a lot harder to enjoy the back float than I’d hoped. In my dreams I’d just slip gently over the sleek edge of a gentle waterfall and plummet endlessly until I simply ceased to be.
Instead, the river was hungry. I just smile and agree; I should have known. This is just as good. The cold water numbs my body and I can’t feel myself; in moments I am reduced to a helpless head. My body is only dead weight.
No reason to regret my decisions now. The river was going to handle all of it.
I’d known I was going to kill myself for months. It’d just set in, a sort of certainty. There wasn’t much anger or sadness, and I’d come to the conclusion naturally. I knew it was going to happen – I was going to commit suicide.
I wanted to go out with a story to tell in the afterlife. I wanted to apologize to God for my own death, and I was going to do it by paying tribute to one of His greatest creations. At least I’d be able to tell Him what a bitchin’ job He’d done with the plumbing.
A hundred feet away from me I can hear where the river crescendos to a close. It’s the place where the music ends, and it’s getting closer every moment.
The water is dragging me down now and it’s getting harder to breath. The sound of the approaching waterfall and its effect on the river is multiplying upon itself constantly; the water has churned itself into a foamy white froth. I feel myself yanked into a series of rapids that tug at my feet so powerfully that I feel a sharp pain in my knees. For a moment my shirt chokes me as it is ripped from my body along with my shoes.
I think that I must be going over but the sound and sensation only becomes louder. It is loud beyond reason; I feel like I’m inside the mouth of an impossible creature that is violently chewing me.
And then I’m swallowed.
The pressure is killing me. I’m certain that any more will rip my head from my shoulders or my arms from their sockets; I’d imagined that I’d die any moment. If not for the pain I wouldn’t be sure I still had a body at all.
While I fall I try not to think about what’s next.
For a few seconds I am completely weightless. The sound becomes fresh and new again as my head is free from the water and the air transmits the pitch of the crashing water and whistling around me in high fidelity. For a moment I think it is the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever heard.
And then my ears pop. The water still pulled at me; a great weight at my chest and things went dark. I’d landed in the fifty feet of water below the falls and avoided the rocks; I was going to drown.
The currents around me render me useless. I am still watching all of this go by; I am only the passenger in this cab.
Sorry mom. Sorry dad.
I am being torn in every direction. I can’t bring myself to inhale because I can’t control my body any longer; I wonder if I’m already dead and just don’t realize it.
And then, impossibly, I feel myself moving steadily in a single direction. In a moment the sunlight is beating into my eyes.
Shit.
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mattiejo900 reviewed Version 1 -
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Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 1 -
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loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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i really don’t have any criticism… the description was so vivid and i thought the amount of it was just enough without getting bogged down… i also liked the staggered sentences, small snapshots. ”Where the music ends” was my favorite line. the only thing i still needed to know was why this guy was trying to die? otherwise, great job!
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Hypernormal reviewed Version 1 -
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Your paragraphing/line breaks are spot on every time. Especially my favourite line/word/paragraph—’Shit.’.
(I’d known I was going to kill myself for months.) – The paragraph that this sentence begins contains repetition of the protagonist’s statement that he is going to kill himself, two—debatably three—times, just in different ways. I’m not sure if you meant to do that but I thought I’d point it out.
(multiplying upon itself constantly; the water has churned itself into a foamy white froth) – Maybe omit the second ‘itself’?
(from the water and the air transmits the pitch of the crashing water and…) – Two close uses of the word ‘water’, which upsets the smoothness of the read.
Your tense-shifting needs to be addressed. This is your main issue.
(I can’t bring myself to inhale because I can’t control my body any longer;) – ’...can’t bring myself to…’ implies that he had a choice and he chose not to. However, this clause is followed up by explaining that the narrator can’t control his body, so in fact he doesn’t have a choice.
(For a few seconds…) – and for a few seconds I totally lived this entire paragraph, the second best in the piece. It’s totally believable that one can experience exceptional beauty whilst dying.
A good effort, just needs a little tidying up.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting example of flash non-fiction. You’ve got some punchy self-narration and great description.
The only real flaw I can see at the moment is that his so-called “clever line” ain’t all that clever; he just says “yes”. Anything would be more clever than that. When the lady asks if he’s going to jump, how about something more snarky like “Here’s my impression of Greg Louganis” (I don’t know if I spelled that right, but any famous Olympic Diver will do). Or, he can respond “Yes, but only to get away from stupid questions”.
jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve rarely seen anyone use the semicolon as much as you have in this piece. I don’t think it’s grammatically incorrect, just an interesting fact, and an unusual style from other things that I’ve read. Why not break up the sentences more, or use more commas by stretching out the main idea in the sentence? I’m not bitching, just making a comment.
All of the sensations, the pulling, loudness, all all that comes with going over the falls without protection is easily felt. I wonder if you could enlarge the vocabulary a bit, pull out a Thesaurus and give more detail to the experiences. The colors, the sounds, what are they like? Metaphors, similis, etc. It feels fairly bland. Believe me, it’s easy to say something like that, but difficult to do.
thezenix reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the first person narrative on this one. ”I wanted to go out with a story to tell in the afterlife. I wanted to apologize to God for my own death, and I was going to do it by paying tribute to one of
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His greatest creations. At least I’d be able to tell Him what a bitchin’ job He’d done with the plumbing.” I enjoy how this is very descriptive in the first person and how they talk without edit. It is like the person is talking naturally. ” wonder if I’m already dead and just don’t realize it.” I like that.
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