thank you
Poetry / Kept, like Odysseus
Daydreaming in a meeting
I hear you tell your age.
I feel old, until you smile.
I remember, after reading Homer
I lay lonely in my dormitory
with Calypso kissing and touching me.
Her divinity pulsed but felt imperfect
and I knew she was using me
as a mortal takes in air to breathe.
I stopped her hand and drew my sword
but her startled eyes disarmed me.
I sheathed my bronze, sighing.
On that cliff above the waves
we rolled, sublime, to thunder
and she forgot that man from Ithaca.
Now at this cluttered table
ignoring colleagues’ voices, I know-
that night, it was you.
We are alone here, enmeshed
with nothing in common
but stone, salt-wind and sea.
So reason says this love is fiction
the storyteller, blind.
Yet I cannot leave this island.
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fyriefae reviewed Version 11 -
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Honestly, I did not read the backgroud text you recommended. I do know a bit of mythology, and felt the poem was excellent. I really loved the line “her divinity pulsed but felt imperfect” and the last lines “So reason says….leave this island ” great imargery and story telling. I like how you likened a woman you met to the sea nymph, meshing fantasy and reality. Poem has a nice rhythm and a good flow.
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wRitEhAnDman reviewed Version 10 -
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It’s an interesting isolation of the Odysseus myth and I find the concept of Calypso’s lasting influence promising. However I feel your admirable attempt at deconstructing gets lost in less than tolerable meter and slightly underdeveloped conceit.
You start out with the fantasy, leading to a sort of erotic narrative (which is good) about a forbidden love. I encounter some confusion in trying to determine if the references to Odysseus are figurative or literal-in that are you taking on the character of the man who loved Calypso next, or is she a representation of a person you know, or is she merely entirely figurative and perhaps the embodiment of passion?
Line 5 is too long and falls out of meter; not in a poetic way, but a clumsy one. Try: ”...lonely in my billet—Tranced” Don’t be afraid to use punctuation and save yourself a syllable. It often makes the difference between a lazy line and diligent diction. Likewise consider omitting “and” (line 8) and changing “forgot” to “lost” (Line 15). These are simply suggestions for thinking a different way about your delivery.
Conversely there are so many brilliant moments that you capture beautifully within the liimitations of your verse: your definition of manipulation in line 9 is deeper than it seems at first, begging the question: if you need it to live can you ever truly abuse it, or alternately, truly appreciate it? Line 14 and the final stanza are also captivating lines, especially the closure; it echoes of many poetic voices.
There is so much potential in your diction that I truly hope you can rework into the masterpiece you believe it can be. I foresee subtle changes that will make all the difference in your work. Perhaps extending a few more stanzas and really developing the intimacy of the conceit will suffice these needs, but then again less is always more in poetry. Good luck to you.
Persephone reviewed Version 10 -
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This is beautiful! I love the Greek mythology in a contemporary setting—I’ve written similar pieces. This is my favorite line: On that cliff above the waves
we rolled, sublime, to thunder and she forgot that man from Ithaca.
Paul_Archer reviewed Version 10 -
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Excellent meshing of mythology with the contemporary, so the myth enlightens the present.
In the second stanza, do you need the word ‘imagined’? Wouldn’t it be more vivid if you took out ‘and imagined’ from the line?
In the sixth stanza, rather than the bald ‘it’, what about saying ‘Calypso was you’?
In the seventh stanza, the ‘here’ implies the meeting room of the previous stanza, but I don’t think you mean that. You could just say “We are alone, enmeshed…’
The final line would be far stronger as “Yet I cannot leave this island’.
Apart from the above, I really loved this poem and look forward to reading more of your work!
KidTruth reviewed Version 10 -
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The one negative comment – the rhythm seems off for the last line, and the rhyme as well.
The rest: I seriously liked this. I rarely come across something this well constructed on Urbis – maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places – but this is a very well constructed poem that holds steady with a clear metaphor linking your new love to Calypso. I particularly loved “I knew she was using me
as a mortal takes in air to breathe.” As this line draws some interesting insight into the way relationships work between any man and a beautiful woman.
overall, this was stellar. If I hit “save” and you end up being 15 years old I’m going to choke.
cindergirl6 reviewed Version 10 -
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Great rhythm and excellent flow. This is certainly publishable. I am there with you, going back to Ithaca, with you. Isn’t this what we all do at one point or another, readers and writers. We become our favorite character or the story touches us in such away that we are drawn into it. It is almost unexplainable yet, you brought it out in this poem. Great job!
music1358 reviewed Version 10 -
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Good. The poem works well structurally and I’m guessing it’s about the fantasy of love. We all have an ideal woman, I just hope I never meet her. How many times have you been on this island? Me, it’s like my holiday destination. Once a year for two weeks and then I carry it for the rest of the year. Enjoyable!
eyeronik reviewed Version 10 -
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This is one of the best poems I’ve read here on urbis. The craft of it is superior to mine I think so I don’t know where to start to offer you constructive criticism. I’m a fan.
shadow_loveless reviewed Version 10 -
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The opening device is effectively engaging.
Her divinity pulsed but felt imperfect
and I knew she was using me
as a mortal takes in air to breathe.
Losing me a bit here because the first impression is that this sounds nice but what does it really mean. In the fantasized encounter, the immortal lover lived and breathed his touches, thoughts, his mortality? If so, thats interesting.
“Now at this cluttered table
ignoring colleagues’ voices, I know-
that night, it was you.”
The way this touches back unto the opening is well done, solidifies the piece pleasantly in the utterance of my mind.
Its clever and insightful, with a personal tone, altogether intimate. Very well done.
gemglitter reviewed Version 10 -
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Comments: I love how you bring in the mythology. My favorite part was of course the reference to Homer, with the storyteller, blind. I also love how you have a “sword” reference. Overall, I can feel the emotions the speaker has, and the fantasy he harbors.
Suggestions: Even though this poem is great in my book, urbis requires suggestions. I don’t know if you intended for the unclear image of how the women look in this poem, but I think getting a mental image of both Calypso and this woman that brings the fantasy back would add to the story. Maybe they are starchily different in their appearance except for the emotions that are invoked in the speaker. Or perhaps have in the beginning of the poem, when you tell of the speaker’s fantasy, describe an image of Calypso then, and then describe how this woman looks now and they are the same.
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