Young Adult / Warm Vanilla and Colored Leaves
"She died," a tender voice whispers into my ear. I spin around to face Bage, his chapped lips only inches from mine. "Parisa. She's dead."
That's when I notice the streaks staining Bage's cheeks, and tints of crimson splattering his eyelids. How long has he been sobbing? When is the last time he has caught even a minute of sleep? Yet I do not even need to ask these questions, not really. Because I already know the answers...
"I'm sorry," I mutter, knowing in my heart that it is not enough. Everyone knew Parisa was dying, everyone knew she'd be gone before sundown. "Your sister loved you, Bage." I reach forward to stroke his face, but he backs away instinctively.
"It'll be okay---" my voice breaks.
"I know how you feel," I whisper.
"Everyone is in pain right now."
A sob escapes my lips, and that's all it takes for Bage to reach forward and wrap his sturdy arms around my waist. I exhale, letting my tears dribble onto his stained polo. Now I can relax, let myself sink into the familairness and warmth of my best friend's embrace.
"You are crying," he says, gently rocking my back and forth. "You're actually crying. For the first time..."
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You clearly have a talent for writing! I really like the pacing of this piece of writing, and I also think you describe the scene well!
What I find a little confusing, though, is the sudden change in the main character’s behaviour. Maybe you could hint a little more to the ending?
As a final note – I hope you’re often bored! Keep writing!
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I thought it was written perfect…the last sentence left me confused. Like I understood what was going on but I didnt know much about the main character to understand why her finally crying was such a big deal. If you expand on this…I’ll read more.
Normally, I would have an “Editing Breakdown” section, but I can’t seem to find any grammar/spelling mistakes. Congrats. You also correctly and effectively use the present tense, which I find to be very unusual.
However, I do have some questions to ask. I do realize that you’re just messing around, but this story kind of… intrigues me.
So, what’s the background? Who’s Bage (interesting name, by the way)? Who is the speaker? (I assume they’re female). Why is it so sad that Parisa is dead?
Very intriguing. Please write more. You could easily make a good story out of this.
-Mouldy
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