I just was able to open your review, which I’ve awaited anxiously to read. I’ve been rewriting this piece with edits.
I’m going to use your suggestions
The Item you were looking for is marked as mature. If you are 18 or older please login to view it.
Novel Treatments / Freedom in Alaska (Analysis)
Stepping out onto the plane’s steps, my Sicilian smile spread into the wind as I felt your hand in the small of my back egg me on. My smile spread even bigger turning around to smile right into your sparkling eyes. Freedom in Alaska!
I turned to the mountains, turned to your steps behind me, and shouted against the wind, “How hot is this?!” “Alaska’s our new retreat Tim! Man, You really took me here!”
Your wise happy eyes looked upward into the globe’s open sky, and I released so much stress from the flight just hearing you laugh now. My heart eased into a calm we were going to happy here as a couple.
We rounded the pavement at the bottom of the steps as we observed the snow packed open land, and fuzzy bluish mountains bold against the white. Our laugh, simultaneous, brought our hips together as we kissed.
We just let our free energy guide us twenty feet toward a warm little Eskimo man we may have both mentally thought he may be the one meeting us. Our idea was right.
“Our New York wayfarers are part of Alaskan country for a while, hey?”
Tim’s soft smile, confident nod, and my bright eyes just expressed a simple yes.
“Mr. Tim Satri?”
“Yes sir, Tim’s good!” He laughed.
Happy as ever all over my face, “Marisa D’Alessio here,” I expressed.
“We all need a little peace for our heart……..Alaskan country is all your heart will need! Marcus Childee, your friend and guide.”
“How I may attend to you, is up to you! I’ll self-sacrifice a night’s sleep if you shall want something you truly deserve. A small plane to Kutchkin, a hike up Kahiltna , rappelling down ice canyons………or perhaps a cottage for your pleasure on our smooth Lake over the mountain….be completely open, and I’ll provide of course.”
“Our accomendations for tonight, is all I wish to ask for now Marcus.”
“Our private bear country lodge which treats honorary guests from our list is for tonight Sir Timothy.”
“Quite…but, I’m not a sir just yet…A humble sound engineer is what I am.” Tim broke out his big smile for him! Lol I thought.
Up into a wind-breaking helicopter we went, and off over evergreen touched lakes, cusps of mountains which lingered among the cloud wisps beneath us- we were headed back country Alaska!
The wilderness I had always dreamed about…….now my romantic interest called me to.
************
Conversation leading to conversation in a group
I almost backed out of strolling downstairs on my own to breezily ‘hang out’ in front of the fire, without causing eyes to roll among the other ‘list’ guests, that Childee described. I was feeling apprehensive about the label of ‘kid at heart’ 30 something ‘girl’ has on her arm the thrill of her life- the older man well double her age!
But, here I was in my yoga fitted fushia top being the kid almost indulging in the fire, but also lanky looking. I tried to casually swing my leg over the arm of the coach.
Childee rustled his steps through the screen door, and I nearly hopped into the fire by my knee jerk, and bouncing up from the couch.
‘Oh, hello!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I startle you?”
My eyes looked liked they wanted to inspire confidence. “Yes, …I was meditating.” “I’m pretty much here to gather up my rosebuds as they say.”
“How does a woman gather up her rosebuds?” He genuinely asked.
“Lots of loose ideas need to be tied up like a sack………….a sack of the most perfumed scent you can carry with you ’til the end of your life. Metaphorically, of course.”
“How do you find your ideas loose?”
“They need good ground, to support the awe I have for them.”
“Alaska?”
“Not a place, a peace. Peace in a love back home that’s not exactly in a heartwarming community.”
“If peace is what you seek, Miss, you need to hear what your heart is telling you.”
“How peace comes to me is through listening, …yes,” I needed to hear my voice linger in the breeze coming in, because the coolness from outside cemented my imagination that moment as if in a freeze.
“..you need to hear…..”
Who was coming in surprised me just as much as Childee had, because it wasn’t Tim. I expected him somehow to jump out of my imagination. But, an unfamiliar presence excited me; being social always ignited a sense of a good newness within me.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
NeonAngel reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
“just hearing you laugh now. My heart eased into a calm we were going to happy here as a couple.” I think is should be ‘eased into a calm state’ or something like that. “………or perhaps a cottage for your pleasure on our smooth ” There was dialogue before those dots, and so you need to put a space after the dots. Looks better without the space, I know, but grammar-wise, the space should be there before ‘or’. “Tim broke out his big smile for him! Lol I thought.” Lol…....? Never, never,(Or shouldn’t) never, never, never, never use “Lol/LoL/lol/rofl/lmao/”! Don’t use chat-talk in a story, first-person, second-person, it doesn’t matter, never use it in a story. If a character is messaging someone, “I laughed at the reply, and replied to him using Lol.” That maybe would do, other than that, I wouldn’t say so.
“The wilderness I had always dreamed about…….now my romantic interest called me to.” (I think that should be ‘called me too’ maybe, maybe not….) I don’t know what you were doing in the beginning either, it seemed like you were trying make the reader feel like she/he was there too. There is more errors, but, I won’t point them out. As most likely other people already have.
- add/view comments (1)
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your use of “you” (as in I felt your hand at the small of my back) then refering to Tim as Tim is confusing. I know from a previous read that Tim is the one who put his hand there but it just seems confusing to write as if you are writing a letter to him and then to turn around and refer to him in the “third person”.
“A really loud shizzzzzzzzz popped our heads up to say something was next that we were expected to. “It’s dark, so maybe that’s dinner-you think?””
This sentence is a little difficult to follow. I might word it something like I really loud shizzzz alerted us to the fact we were expected somewhere. Or something of that nature.
The new guy at dinner, Joel, describe him a little more. Why is he not her type? Also, where you state that you will let Tim joke with him…leave the LOL off. Doesn’t work in this setting I don’t think.
Just a few things that caught my eye.
Otherwise you are on the right track.
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors
All of this sentence “what the heck shrug of the shoulders and facial expression of doubt.” should not be in italics… I think only the “what the heck” should be.
I think you have a good story line that you are working on but there is a lot that needs to be worked on.
I’m not an editor but I am an avid reader and I had quite a bit of trouble following this piece.
I think you are off to a good start though.
Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like your writing style for a lit mag. (don’t let anyone piss on you about sparce use of commas, an editor will fix if they don’t like it).
Note to punctuation whores: comma use has become increasingly a matter of style—especially for lit and artsy peices.
I liked it but did find that the ending just kind of dropped off without really making wrapping anything up. I presume this isn’t finished, right? Is this supposed to be a short story for a lit magazine, or a novel? You do have both on your criteria so please forgive my confusion.
If its a novel, keep going. If it is meant to be a finished work, I think the ending needs work, but the rest is very compelling and the characterization very fresh.
Keep playing with this! Its a worthy endeavor!
ganymede56 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was a fairly decent read, but it’s confusing and I struggled to find the story here. The excessive use of dialog needs to be countered with narrative, as well, which will allow your reader to have a better chance at knowing what is going on. And the dialog is written in such a static way that it’s not natural, doesn’t resemble the way people speak.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is really interesting. You use language in a most unusual way. Syntax and word meanings are slightly left of field and this creates an other worldly feel. I like that. I maybe didn’t quite understand it all but it is fascinating. You need to be careful with grammar. The lack of commas can be a little off-putting.
amiblackwelder reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
My smile spread even bigger turning around to smile right into your sparkling eyes ( I would say: my lips spread even wider turning around, engaged in your sparkling eyes).
I like the story about Alaska, something don’t written about much.
Conversation leading to conversation in a group (conversation leading to dialgoue in the group)?
intermix your dialogue with action rom your characters and thier faces, looks.
Spend more time with a thesaurus to not repeat words too much ( I tend to do that and I have to go back with a thesaurus and re word many repeated words.)
Otherwise, I like the original concept and would like to see more.
I wouldnt go to a publisher now, it still needs work.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 6 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 12 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
