I am beginning to like you…;>)
Yes I will consider that change. It is a good one. May not do it here, but in my version I shall.
Thank you for your review.
Poetry / Watching
watching in my mind
as you open sleepy eyes
a little yawn and blinking at the light
a stretch to start your day
rolling to your side
and legs slip off the bed
to set yourself aright
remove the stiffness of the night
Wishing I was there
to hug you one more time
knowing that I can't
and may never have that time
pj's on the floor
stepping in to get your shower
I see the beauty of your legs
the promise of your flower
arms above your head
and water flowing down
touching parts of you
where I would like to drown
Wishing I was there
to hug you one more time
knowing that I can't
and may never have that time
watching drops slide from your breasts
a single drop I long to be
you pat legs dry, with lotion running down
clinging to your curves to softly reach the ground
slip your dress over your head
bending slightly forward to dry your hair
cascades of auburn beauty
shining with lights like strands of gold
Wishing I was there
to hug you one more time
knowing that I can't
and may never have that time
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jalubcarrey reviewed Version 1 -
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You know, you might want to classify this as lyrics. It reads like lyrics to me.
“and legs slip off the bed” I’d take out “and”
“and may never have that time” I’d change “that” to “the”.
“the promise of your flower” Wow, I like this a lot!
“where I would like to drown” The rhythm here is interrupted by breaking up a conjunction. I would make “I would” into “I’d”
you pat legs dry . . . how about “You pay yourself down”. Something about “legs” just doesn’t read right.
“slip your dress over your head” Take out the second “your”
The whole piece makes sense, has decent rhythm, but there are a few hiccups. No worries. You have some excellent lines in here!
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Bibelotredux reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh! Poetry.
Would you consider changing the lines: hug you one more time- to: hug you just once more? I think it makes the lines: and may never have that time, more poignant(without repetition).
Try: change get to have.
This is so sad. That means it’s good.
Bibelot
chasingdreams1 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow… heartbroken are we? I like the structure of the poem and how a uh… verse? (I don’t really know what it’s called in poerty) repetes itself.. It could very well be lyrics and make the part that repetes itself the chorus. But it makes good poetry too.
Suthern_Scribe reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, I enjoyed reading this very much. This piece was very genuine, and had strong imagery to it with every word. And this very much a poem, but I could see it being sung with an accoustic guitar. This poem flows very well, keep up the good work.
GeorgiaPoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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A nice read for those of us who think that sometimes, for some reason, a loved one stays behind after death to watch over us. Its a nice thought to think that a love can be so great that it carries over into the afterlife.
I’m not sure that is what you are trying to impress on your reader but that is what I got out of it.
I don’t think I have much that I would change in it. I think “stepping in to get your shower” seems a little out of place. You never mention a tub/shower so what is she stepping into. Maybe something to the effect of pj’s on the floor, undressed for your shower”
I hope that makes sense.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a sweet poem, but I wonder about the rhyming scheme. Can you make it rhyme the same way all the time? Some of the rhythms are good, others seem to cascade as you try to fit everything in. Stanza seven is the worst. I keep seeing rivers of lotion running down the woman’s body!! The repetition is good. Cements the poem.
ganymede56 reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhythm of this poem is similar to lyrics from the music of Owl City. Ever heard of it?
Anyway, I like this, but as a fiction writer, I see things through that lens. I’m wondering if there is a way to add some characterization to this story. What is it the narrator wants? How does he know this woman? Why is he infatuated with her? What’s happening here? What’s the conflict? Perhaps there’s a way to sprinkle some clues into the poem to make the narrators wanting just a little more real to the reader.
bowmorebill2 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this, so easy to read and very beleiveable.
Had me wishing that i could have been there too.
Sounds like love to ne…good write.
O_Hayden555 reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, first off, good job at least with the basic rhyme and pattern of your piece, but the main problem i have with it, is that not only can i not find the tune/beat, but you use of words is a bit immature at times, “pjs”, comeon. If you watched your word choice a little closer and created a defined rhytm for the piece it would definitely help big time.
trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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Sadness. Such longing. Very descriptive--I can see almost everything. I like the rhythm and rhyme schemes--they flow very well. As to poetry or lyrics—either way you want it. Not only could this work either way, but I’ve been told that the only real difference is that one you say and one you sing. :) Good luck.
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