what isn't said screams volumes
wretching pain from blackness
dealing death to lights hope
no thing has meaning; understanding impossible
grinding etching a crimson line
around a twice beat heart
knife stretching where words did not
feelings bared, heart cold
not even wool can warm
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hmmm this is kinda hard to decide, but i’ll try.
i think this poem is about someone’s feelings being numbed. like you’ve been through think and thin and you can’t handle it anymore, so you build walls so noone can hurt you ever again. but behind these walls you’re still hurting and no thing and no one can help you.
it’s good. it allows the reader to sit back and think for a while. and i can tell a lot of work went into this.
Frankly, I thought this was good without the explanation. Wretching pain makes sense. I would like to see the words grinding and etching reversed, as well as heart cold. But that is just my opinion based on my personal interpretation of the poem. Only you know what the poem should say.
I liked them both. Bibelot
I think the idea is good, but maybe you need to word it differently. For some sentences, such as “around a twice beat heart” I have no clue the meaning of. Also, in the second paragraph, no thing should be nothing. I love the intro though (“what isn’t said screams volumes”).
I thought the concept was interesting, though you may want to make a few grammar changes. Most of the fragments you may want to go back and revise, such as:
“grinding etching a crimson line”. You may want to change that to “grinding as it etches a crimson line.” or “grinding, etching a crimson line.”. I love the concept, but think you could improve by revising it.
I think that this write was written as a thought of uncertain response. From what I’ve seen, I would have say that “Cotton Wool” didn’t help contribute to the forming of your “CLOTH”. I would actually have to admit that “Cotton Wool” is a much better poem.
This poem seems to me to be lacking, I would say that this is mainly due to the weak usage of wording and a somewhat poor structure. The first two stanzas are OK but after that everything gets a bit screwy. First, “no thing has meaning” sounds wrong and weak, “not a thing has meaning” or “nothing has meaning” would work better. Should there be a comma between “grinding etching..” in S3 L2? Not to mention was your use of crimson, the most notorious tragic word of them all. I would have never guessed that heart was coming in the next sentence…
In S5 L2 I think that “feelings bare” would be better than “feelings bared”.
Besides the things mentioned I would have to say that your poem is pretty good for the most part. I still think that this piece is lacking in quality and a bit in sentiment. It seems a bit insincere. I hope this helps and I don’t mean to come off as a prick either.
Until next rhyme. JW
The ambiguity of this poem is a little frustrating on first read. There is nothing solid to grab hold of. What are we talking about? Abstract problems? That there are things not said, between (who? a few, one, many) people that causes unnecessary anguish?
Second stanza, “twice beat heart”, I don’t understand this line at all.
So what I read here is frustration from not talking that eventually leads to physical violence, to death. I am not sure where the title Cloth or the reference to wool come in. What does that mean?
You came up short in revealing all that you could.
I love the use of language. The words seem to mean more than their actual definitions. The only major issue I had was that the first line seemed cliche and out of place considering the originality of the rest of the poem. Also, I think “lights” in the third line should have been “lighting.” The meaning of the third line was kind of unclear to me. Otherwise, this was really good, and I especially liked the last line. You have a talent for making words come alive.
i love the first line… “what isn’t said screams volumes” it is a good way to group some ones attention. It graped mine for sure. the only problem i have with the piece is the use of the word volumes. it doesn’t really fit the rhythm of the piece. perhaps exchanging volumes for price might work a little bit…
Wow this is pretty deep! I loved the flow of the poem, and what can one really say about something this well written besides great job!
It’s true, it isn’t much, but you are so beautiful and eloquent with what you say and so careful with you’re diction that there are millions of thoughts racing through the readers head after this; leading to questions and research. This is a great poem and i find nothing wrong except i think you maybe should have capitolized.
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