Sci Fi & Fantasy / chapter 1- the new boy a savior is born
I had this dream once. But it wasn’t exactly a dream. It felt so real. I could reach out and touch everything I could smell, hear, and feel everything. I remember it as if I were really there. I can’t seem to forget it. It was too real, too life like. Life itself doesn’t even match up to the realness of this “dream.”
BEFORE
Chapter 1: The New Boy.
I stood by myself in the queue for the girl’s toilet. I had Tuesday Japanese
lesson straight after lunch until the end of the day. I needed a break so that I could actually get through the day, apparently so did six other girls. I looked down the line. Three girls from my grade were deep into conversation, clearly wagging. I would be too if I hadn’t got caught last week. Closer to me I saw an older girl, a year nine or ten at least. Behind me I saw a senior girl texting her friend. I heard her giggle as she received a new text. Behind the senior was another year eight girl. I knew this girl but we weren’t friends.
I turned around just as one of the year eight girls was walking into a stall. The other two took a place at a small mirror above the basins each. Hmmm…complete Barbie’s, I thought to myself.
The toilet flushed and a girl walked out.
“Are you going to go?” One of the girls by the mirror asked. I walked into the stall and locked the door behind myself.
“What a dope.” It was the same girl from the mirror. I recognized her voice. I didn’t realize they made sound proof stalls, I thought, sarcastically.
“You know she’s like, really smart, right?” That must have been the other girl. She was much quieter. The louder girl laughed.
“Nerd,” She yelled as she walked past my stall. I chuckled quietly to myself. It’s not that hard to count past ten, I mused.
I walked out of my stall. Another girl walked in. I didn’t recognize this one. She must’ve joined the group while I was in the stall.
The “Barbie’s” had moved to the big, full-sized mirror. They were pouting their lips and “fluffing” their hair. As I looked at them I thought of a way to have some fun. Mostly I just wanted to see their reactions. I pulled out my phone and pretended to start up a conversation with the imaginary person on the other end. I stood next to the girls at the mirror.
“What? Just some Nobody’s,” I said into the phone. I was hoping no one thought this a good time to give me a call. It would be embarrassing if I was “talking,” on the phone when it rang. “Yeah they definitely look dumb.” I continued adding a very pointed look in the two girl’s direction. “Yeah, they think I’m a nerd. Seriously it’s not that hard to count past ten.” I faked a laugh just to finish off my little performance. The phone stayed silent. As I walked out the door I looked back to see the two girls staring at me. That was definitely fun. And worth it too, their reactions were priceless.
Once out the door I pocketed my phone. I climbed back up the stairs to the Japanese room. When I stepped inside he teacher was saying something I couldn’t understand. I took my seat with my usual friends, Lilana and Sarah. They were talking to another girl, Caitlin. I tried to join in on the conversation.
“Lake, have you seen the new guy yet?” Lilana asked me.
“Um… No what does he look like?” If this guy was hot and I didn’t talk to him for a week that would give the other girls plenty of time to swoop in. I was desperate to meet a guy who didn’t think I was just a nerd, or the giggly girl who laughs at her own jokes.
“Definitely, majorly, hot,” She replied with a wry smile. Okay, I had to meet this guy. These girls had pretty good tastes in guys so I trusted them.
“What class is he in?” I was hoping it wasn’t Mr. Shepland’s. Most the girls in that class would date anything that moved. Some of them have dated guys five or six years older than themselves. The girls from the bathroom were in Mr. Shepland’s.
“Yours actually,” Sarah answered. The other two laughed while Sarah tried very hard to keep a straight face.
“I would have seen him if he was in my…” I trailed off trying to piece the puzzle together. “When was his first day?” I was late today- like I am every second day. As I was running into class I may have missed the fact there was an extra person there.
“Today,” The three girls said in unison. Well that cleared it all up. I might see him tomorrow. Hopefully the other girls hadn’t already brain-washed him into thinking they were better than everyone else.
The bell rang just as my thoughts trailed off to other things. Like homework, schoolwork, grades and most importantly having to wake up in the morning. I still hadn’t adjusted to the early mornings.
I walked to my locker straight after class. My bus came early so I didn’t have time to stand around and talk for ages like everyone else seemed to.
I emptied out the books I wouldn’t need for homework and piled in the books I would. I was late to Japanese and didn’t have time to do so before hand. I would have usually left my bag as is but it was so heavy today. I pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed for the stairs.
I was running down the stairs, I had to be quick or I’d definitely miss my bus. I was half-way down the two flights of stairs when I ran into something, something hard. I looked up to see the most beautiful yet terrifying eyes I’d ever seen.
“Sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going,” said the eyes, no that couldn’t be right. I pulled myself away from the fierce gaze to see a handsome, gentlemanly looking boy. But he had a strange modern look to him at the same time, he was extremely hot. This must be the guy Lilana, Sarah and Caitlin were talking about, the new guy.
“Um… No it was my fault. I should have slowed down,” I managed to splutter out. I looked back into his strange eyes and began to be re-immersed in the magic behind them.
They were grey with a little white centre instead of the usual deep black pupil like everyone else I’d ever seen. It was like looking at a full moon on Friday the thirteenth, scary but beautiful at the same time. Like I should run for my life and embrace it at the same time.
I realized we were gripping each other’s arms at the exact time I started to drift amongst the clouds surrounding the moons. My arms were starting to hurt. This guy must be ripped. I looked at his arms. They seemed to be of normal size. They were long but not strong, not weak either.
I looked back up at his face, aiming to look into those gorgeous eyes but started to look closer into his other features. His jaw line was strong but still young. No doubt it would define itself further as he aged. His eyebrows were relaxed but looked as if they had been strained more than your average teenager. His lips were full with a very clear line splitting the two halves on his lower lip. He had thick, dark eyelashes any girl world kill for which attracted attention to his eyes. Before I fell back into his eyes I quickly scanned the rest of his prominent face. His fringe covered from one side of his forehead to the other, making him slightly ‘emo’ looking. I re-considered his strained eyebrows, perhaps he had had so seriously distressing times in the past, and maybe he was a troubled boy.
Looking back into his eyes I saw behind the magic and beauty of them, and saw nothing, just blank loneliness. There was something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I decided to forget about it and return- reluctantly- to reality.
With sudden urgent-ness I remembered my arms. It felt like they were turning blue.
“Ow,” I finally cried out.
“Sorry, just wasn’t sure if you were going to fall back anymore,” he claimed with a smile. That seemed logical enough. But I didn’t really feel like I was going to fall back. I didn’t feel like I was going to fall at all. He wasn’t telling the truth and I don’t know why. He was new, he probably just wanted to fit in, I settled.
“I’m Zeke. I’m kinda new here.” His eyes seemed to get angry, at himself or me? “But I guess you already know that.” Definitely himself, I laughed trying to make him feel a little more comfortable, it worked.
“Yeah, I’m Lake.” I held out my hand, I don’t know why, I can’t remember the last time I shook someone’s hand when I met them.
Zeke never shook it though. I held it there for at least a minute but he never took it. I felt like an idiot. As I was taking my hand back he suddenly reached out and grabbed it.
“It's a pleasure to meet you Lake.” He tapped the top of my hand. I was a little weirded out; I didn’t attempt to hide that on my face.
Suddenly it hit me; I must have already missed my bus by now. If I wasn’t quick I would miss my back up route too.
“Oh my God, I have to go,” I yelled back as I ran down the stairs. “Nice to meet you Zeke,” I stopped and turned to give a proper wave goodbye, but he was already gone.
When I finally reached the bus stop my back up bus was just pulling up to the curb. Well I’d definitely missed my usual bus. As I stepped inside the bus I started to go over my strange meeting with Zeke. Once I was in my seat I started to list logical reasons as to why he acted so strangely, there weren’t very many.
There was something about him that just terrified me. Something that made me recoil every time I thought about him. It was as if there was a bigger picture here, something I should know, something that would create a huge milestone in my life. Only thing was I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to stay around and play a part in that milestone or not.
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everything I could smell, hear, – I would add a period before I.
inside he teacher was saying-the
double check your capitilaztion when typing names
I think you’re a really good writer. You really take your and don’t rush. It stArted out kind of mean girls-ish. But at the same time was funny. I think her dying was a really good cliff hanger. I didn’t see that coming. So far this comes off as very originAl.
- add/view comments (2)
You are only 14!!!! OMG!!! You can write girl!!! The opening is flawless! It immediately grabbed my interest!
Page 1:
don’t need this, clutters up sentence: which meant my lesson
Writing is fresh, original (wagging… I can see those girls, I know those girls… Good job!)
I know this girl! I can immediately relate to your character and you have gotten us deeply involved with her from para 1. Excellent characterization!
Page 2,3:
The Barbies… Yep! I went to school with them too. Dialogue is great and very appropriate for age group.
Lake… A cool and original name for your VP character. Good name choice!
Just flows! Amazingly good writing! Well done!
Page 4:
I don’t think this needs to be hyphenated: gentle-manly
“Said the eyes”. I like this!
Can you give us a better physical description of this boy? What you have (he’s hot, etc) is still kind of telling us and not showing us. We want to feel the attraction to! Make us swoon for him. Its ok! If its florid, you can always go back and tweak and edit, but get down her first impression of his hotness in vivid description. Paint us a picture. I know you are capable. Your writing shines and is very capable :) Try to get off the eyes (I know their gorgeous and compelling) but what about his jawline? His hair, his scent, his full lips, any personality traits that are apparent in his face? Worry, humor, lack of humor, seriousness, etc. Do his eyes convey any kind of haunting pain? Anything further disturbing (or hot) that she can make note of for the reader? Remember, we have to see through her eyes, and this is obviously a pivotal and important scene…
A little weirded out—good, but give us more reason why Lake is reacting to him like she does.
The hand part is good… That gives us something right there.
Page 6:
Ruby—ruby, capitalization typo
Page 7:
Good, strong and daring characterization: Ruby, bisexual
*this is what I’m saying about you being so young. Its not just that your writing is good, your insightful characterization, perceptiveness, etc is amazing for someone your age!
Page 8:
ok, so here we get a better description of Zeke. This works, and can even be repeated (for romance’ sake) but give us some us this when she bumps into him initially. With romantic writing, we don’t have to worry as much about overdoing physical description and how characters feel about one another, because this is why the reader is reading. We want to fall in love too, and have a ig adventure of it :)
*Overall, you are doing this well!!! My little nitpicking is only to help, because I see you are very worth the effort. The piece is much better than some
I’ve read from more mature writers on here.
Page 9, 10:
Very good, flowing…. Dialogue is wonderful! Thought sequences, true to life and very interesting (and hey! I’m 48 years old, but you’ve drawn me in—good job!)
Very good descriptions of actions (like mock slitting of throat gesture, etc. This all adds detail, realism, and keeps us in Lake’s world, seeing what she sees, just hanging with her in her pocket so to speak…
malevolent—good word choice! Strong and appropriate word!
Page 11:
Dream sequence—do you have a space or some kind of indication in the actual manuscript that you are changing scenes on us? Urbis sometimes skips spaces used to delineate this. Also, this would even be a good place to break the chapter, start ch 2 with dream sequence…
Page 12:
dream is working—good writing! Excellent writing!
Page 13:
Smashing line, very witty: I told them that sometimes scientists do make mistakes and mix the wrong chemicals together
**You are amazing me here!
Page 14:
Ok—horrifying eyes… I didn’t quite get the description here, in spite of her dream. I know she’s scared of him, but at school in this situation, are his eyes in need of such strong adjective treatment?
Page 15:
Whoa! He knows her dream! Very believable and well done too! Very creepy!
Here to protect her… Getting very interesting… Its a page turner for sure!
Page 16:
Good, good, just cruising through like a reader. Its working for me.
Chat room! Yes!!! Its about time some writer put us in the modern age by making use of chat rooms, texting, etc. Now they may do this more in young adult fiction (don’t know) but they are sometimes archaic in adult novels and overlook modern technology. But normal people--even older people like me--have made it a part of their daily lives.
Good work!
Page 17: Yep, it flows well—I love the little nervous bit of chewing her fingernails, etc. Good way to interject action, thought sequences, with the conversation. (Which is a internet conversation! I’m so impressed!)
Page 18:
The flirting is fun!
Yes, good job, love the way he logs off without goodbye. Jackass, jerk, but she’s still intrigued and we can tell it. Way to write it girl!
Page 19:
Ha! This is perfect! I started playing my guitar, but when all I could play were love songs.. Yep, she’s toast…
Page 20:
Very good line: That was either the dumbest or the smartest thing I ever said
Page 21, 22:
I love the way you move your characters in and out of the scenes and do a good job. This is an amazing skill for such a young writer.
Good, flowing bus scene…
Page 23, 24:
Caps on god/God: I knew it, god did hate me.
Your plot so far is VERY sound. Good work again! I’m just reading like I would any book. Almost forget that I’m reviewing…
Ok: now one thing I’m wondering about. Lake is very smart, very saavy, and I am wondering why she’d take a route through a nature reserve, away from people and help, if she knows a weird man is behind her. Can she not realize he’s following her?
Page 25: Good action, running from the man-the scene works overall, except for her putting herself in a situation that we all know would mean danger. Just let her lose track of the man and not realize he’s following her. Then you can keep the scene otherwise :)
Page 25-27:
Good rescue by our hero, very tender too with the tears, etc
Page 28:
we believe Zeke too. That he will protect her. (sigh) Its a good read so far…
Page 29. 30:
You are amazingly good with action scenes. Many (even seasoned) novelists shy away from fight scenes, because they often come off florid or overdone. Even LeCarre stays away from them, and he writes spy/action novels.
GOOD JOB!!!
Dialogue is convincing too! This is a great line: “Even if you kill me, you won’t win, boy.”
Page 31, 32, ending:
This is well done! The scene (death) between Zeke and Lake, moving and without floridness.
I am so impressed!
I will definitely read more!
My suggestions (other than above)
First of all, KEEP WRITING! You have amazing talent!
Second, just a little thing:
You may want to break this up into chapters and post them in smaller increments. I have long chapters and I don’t get as many readers because they don’t want to tackle 9,000 words, etc. That said, I am glad I don’t get as many casual browsers. I want the ones who will willingly take the time to read and digest 9,000 words.
Overall impression: You are the bomb baby girl! This is a worthy piece! You are a worthy writer! Keep writing! You will write a masterpiece best seller one day.
Blessings!
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