Poetry / Before Work...

It’s another “I miss you, I need you.” poem.  I’m not a great audience for that.  

I didn’t gather any emotional depth from this, but it does reads with love, lust, and longing which are all very easy to relate to.

The poem flows well mostly by artificial means, line breaks followed by “and…” will make even completely unrelated lines seem related.  

Your passion borders at times on exhibitionism.  You’ve presented images of rainstorm make-out sessions either to enhance the reader’s experience or because sex, drugs, and Billie Holiday sell any audience.  

Kisses are great, so is sex, but this gives them a mystical quality that isn’t earned.

The ellipses in the first third of the poem aren’t needed as it doesn’t appear you’ve omitted thoughts or words.

This piece was very simple, but it worked so well in its simplicity. I gave me that warm fuzzy feeling that people talk about, and i definetly cracked a smile. Narrative type poems have a huge potential to be boring, but i think that you did a wonderful job keeping me on track and hooked. You didnt spare any details that might have seemed unconventional, and that was my favorite part about this piece. I had a sense of real life about it, and thats what made it really good. I usually dont read poems about love, but your was so easy to relate to, well written also.

Fantabulous. I love love poems that say it in a new way and a fresh voice. Yours did. I love details in a poem like yours has. I don’t think this needs to be fixed, but if you are not satisfied, I would pull out a few more details, how the jeans fit, or didn’t, the color of the hair, a favorite shirt or smell.

Wow I really enjoyed this poem.  I have been there and understand that “need” all too well.  

I love how you talk about the rain and the dirt and saying you’ll never need food again because you get “full on your lover”.

I soooooo love the ending “it still rains sometimes”  

That rocks!  I found no error to mention, the flow was great. It was easy to read and very touching.

‘phoenix’- Capital P

‘that was the smell…’- not sure if you need this line. The three lines that cover this could be written a little more fluidly.

You could describe the dryness of the diner to contrast the previous scene…?

There’s a few words that could be removed for brevity like ‘out there’ ( it’s not going to be cloudy inside the diner. Steam in the kitchen maybe.)

‘And I need’- you use this more than once, but irregularly. If people think its good then fine, but I’d either put them at specific, rythmic parts of the poem, or vary them up.

Good, just needs tightening.

i love it
and i wouldn’t want to change anything in it

Hi there,

I enjoyed traveling along the two of you in this fine piece. It did require a double read though for I had a tendency to lose track of who was speaking, a simple transitional edit. I liked the quirky little details, the smell of rain, I got pulled in. Like I said, a couple of edits when you speak versus her speaking, clearing that up and you rock, no pun intended. Finger tracing her lips, fav killer line, a true romantic, awesome, me…

I would file this poem under your “good” pile. I like this a lot. I like how you establish the mood so well with such simple words and repetition as well as the rain/water imagery. I really don’t have anything to critique except that the “honey in the rock” reference was kind of obscure. Maybe you can edit that to fit in better with the rain/water imagery?

Outstanding!  A poem chock full of imagery that one can imagine without having to tap our own imaginations as to what is going on.  That’s leading the reader by the nose, in a way, which I see as a good thing for this poem.  I am rating this fairly high because I see it as that good (and I’ve read a lot of crap lately).  Write more like this!

Some good things happening here, some not so good.  It is pretty hot, for one thing, so that much is accomplished.  I don’t like all the ellipses.  Maybe once but you used it so much it is meaningless and gives the rhythm a dull feel, like every line is its own stanza.  

I get the beach metaphor in the beginning but I think “and try to drag the sand from underneath me” is taking it too far.  It just doesn’t make sense – and I get the beach thing without it.  

Also near the end when the narrator starts rambling about some Walgreens across the street I lost focus.  Stay on point here – it drags on a bit at the end because of that and stops being about the ex lover.  I say keep it sexy and consider cutting out the cutesy stuff about the pot smoke and cigarette butts and taxi’s – and keep the finger-sucking etc.  If the poem is about sex then make it about sex, y’know?  

Still there is a whole lot of potential here and I wouldn’t have wrote so much if it didn’t impress me.  That parts that are meant to be hot, are hot – that means a lot.