Thank you very much! I haven’t written before..never even thought of it…until I was messaging this friend!!....lol
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Short Story / The Writer, The Man, My Lover
The Writer, The Man, My Lover
He found me on a social website and sent a message for me to accept his match. The instant I opened his message and my eyes focused on his photo, I felt the spirit rush through my body. I knew then that he was extremely significant because I had felt it only twice in my lifetime of 55 years. The first being at 12 years old while in church as I answered the preacher's call to come forward, well I didn't answer, the spirit did. I remember that I didn't understand why I was getting up and as I rose from the pew to go, I felt it.
Being a writer himself he recognized a writing ability through the messages that we exchanged. I wrote of my desires and longings for him and he heard literature. One does wonder whether it was the writer or the man in him not wanting to hear what I say! He encouraged me to pursue the talent that I never knew was there. I told him that it only happens when I write to him and that the words just seem to flow. He insists that I can do it without him...Ok, I can take that hint. He simply doesn't understand that he fertilizes my words. They just don’t form if I'm not writing to him or about him. What does it matter where the flow comes from as long as it flows? So, this is for you my love, my knight in shining armor, where ever you are.
I wonder if it’s your spirit I feel or something I’ve created in my mind. After all I am Pices, the dreamer reveling in fantasy. Why did my soul stir as never before when I viewed your photo and clicked “Yes” to your invitation to match? I’m certain that it was not imagined or fantasy. Dammit! I wish to keep that part of me under lock and key…..daring not to let it be broken. I am a lone wolf, desiring to keep with the spirits lest I be led astray. I fear the shiny armor would only blind me and cause me to wander under foot to be trampled by the white horse. Am I merely like the others….taken captive by your very essence? Or will we get to breathe air into each other’s lungs as we meet in spiritual ecstasy?
I don't think you understand that I "know" who you are in the spiritual realm. What was the meaning of the spiritual stirring? Did my spirit recognize your spirit? Does it mean that we are to share the passions of true love? Is our love meant to be, will our spirits ever get to merge into one? Will I ever get to spend moments tasting, smelling, listening to the trail of powdered sugar you leave behind with every breath, or will I have to feel the crisp sound of silence in my soul?
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snarfus reviewed Version 2 -
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Not bad, but it feels like you’re skipping a lot. You say you’ve only felt it twice before, but you on elaborate on the first time. You’re leaving out a big chunk of story that can give more clues about the speaker.
Also, we go from internet posting to having been together for awhile. Throw in how things happened on the first person-to-person meet.
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Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 2 -
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It doesn’t look like something that was written by someone who hadn’t written before. It was a good piece. It does seem that you have some talent and could develope into a very good writer.
CiannaSkye reviewed Version 2 -
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Well, I’m not quite sure how to comment on this. I’ll try not to be mean, but I want to be constructive. From the criteria, I can tell that you want feedback on your writing ability as well as how the piece works as a whole. In terms of writing ability, you definitely have a “spark” but it needs to be honed. I did not notice any major grammatical issues, which is more than I can say for some of the stuff here on Urbis. So give yourself a pat on the back for that. (You did have some punctuation issues, though, just so you know.) You’re able to conjure up solid imagery with your words, which is another necessary skill for a good writer. Also, you have good control over the cadence of your language. This is what separates good writing from great writing. However there is one major thing you should know (which you will learn in any writing class): avoid cliches! They are death traps. You have many: “lock and key,” “lone wolf,” “shining armor,” etc. Another important thing to avoid is repeating words too much, as you did with “spiritual”/”spirit” in the last paragraph. A carefully placed repetition to emphasize a point is one thing, but if you find yourself using the same word too many times, then it is time to find other ways to say it. A thesaurus is a writer’s best friend! (It’s also good for finding just the right connotation of a word you are trying to express.)
As for the piece, I feel that it should be developed more. But, that really depends on what you are trying to do with it. Is it supposed to be a story? If it is, then it needs more of a plot. If it’s just a thought piece or journal entry type of thing, then it seems alright. On a related note, I like how you’ve conveyed the sense that he most likely wasn’t that into you as a person and was perhaps just trying to be nice by complimenting your writing abilities. Subtlety is good. There are readers here on Urbis who will argue otherwise, but don’t listen to them. It’s good to leave the reader with something to think about. It’s good to make the reader work a little harder in understanding your point. If not, we should all be reading those grammatically flawed news stories on yahoo. (As an aside, that was a purposeful repetition of “it’s good” meant for emphasis. See how that works?)
I really think you have something here, in terms of talent. You need to find your own sources of inspiration that don’t come from a dude online. (Sorry!) A good place to start is by observing things around you. Training yourself to become sensitive to emotions is key. (It will help you with character development, if story or play writing is your goal. It will also help in writing poetry.) One way you can do this is to observe people interacting. Pay attention to the words they say as well as what is unsaid, be it tone of voice, body language, or an appropriately placed and poignant silence. If you want to improve on describing settings, then you should become sensitive to how different scenery or locales make you feel. Coming up with a good plot is more difficult, and requires quite a bit of planning. It’s a good idea to rely on well-loved twists, such as irony or sarcasm for a humorous piece, or drama playing on human elements for a serious piece.
Ultimately, I think the best way to improve your writing is by getting involved right here on Urbis. As you review other people’s writing, you can get a sense of what works and what doesn’t. When you comment on those pieces, you force yourself to explain why something did or didn’t work for you. When you get reviews, you can (hopefully) find some decent advice. I look forward to seeing more writing from you, and I hoped this long critique helped in some way (or was worth the points).
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 2 -
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now i’ll be honest… i gave high rankings because you tell us this is your first attempt… but you have an innate talent…. and as first attempts go this is excellent… play with your ;anguage more, and work on developing the other peopkle in your story and expand the scope of your story… what else was happening in that period of your life? who else was along for the ride> what did he look like? KEEP WORKING! you have a bright future
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