Short Story / Dark Queen Secrets
Twilight was just settling in the sky, but was masked by a cover of clouds and fog. A fey flitted down a gray street, darting among the shadows, hiding. Her breath came heavy as she fled to the sanctuary of her village. But she just couldn't stop. Her life was at stake.
She hated being on the ground. The air and clouds were her home, but she couldn't be there, couldn't fly to the sky. She unfolded her wings, doing a once over, sending pain shooting up and down her spine. Holes were ripped through them, turning the lush color a dull green. But this was only the beginning of the torture she would receive.
If she were caught.
But she had to get home, get to her people, before she was caught...
Something suddenly materialized in front of her, making her skid to a stop. A hand shot out, pushing her to the ground. Her wings snapped open instinctively, trying to stop her fall, but they just crumpled beneath her. The small earth fey collapsed in pain, unable to get up again.
Black, empty eyes stared at her, draining her of energy. She bit back a cry of pain.
"It is her," the dark fey official said in a mechanical voice. He stood straight, moved to the side, and bowed deeply. "Your majesty," he murmured.
A pale figure walked out of the mist, long black wings held high in pride. Though they looked as though they were half torn off, they were absolutely powerful. She held herself majestically, onyx crown glinting. Her royal necklace held the jewel of the Dark Queen.
The earth fey gasped. The Dark Queen almost never showed herself. Ever.
"Did you think," she all but sang, her voice melodic and beautiful, "you could run? I myself am surprised you made it thus far. Not even my trackers were able to find you until now." She bent closer to the meek fey's face. "Why have you not greeted you queen?" she hissed.
"Because," the courageous fey whispered hoarsely, "you are not my queen. You never were. And you never will be."
The Dark Queen growled. "You are only a lowly earth fey. And I am your queen, whom you cannot disobey."
The fey closed her eyes, trying to draw what energy was left. But that was interrupted after a moment when a cold hand closed around her throat, cutting off her air. Her eyes flew open as she gasped for breath.
"No," she gasped. "No..."
"No matter what you do, you cannot change anything," she hissed. Throwing down the lowly fey to the ground, she showed her lethal smile. "So I will still always win." She brought her hand up, then struck the weak fey on the head. She fell flat on her back, writhing in pain. Death came too slowly, though, as the pain spread from the top of her head through the rest of her body, finally ending in the death that brought so much relief.
"Take her body and dispose of it," the Dark Queen barked. "Burn it, bury it, whatever. But no one must hear of this." She spread her wings and took to the darkening sky, still covered by clouds.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
I loved the story, but the death sequence became muddled with the use of “she.” Having two female leads means a qualifier or something similar is necessary to establish who is doing what. Perhaps something like “the lighter hair faery” to you are able to visualize the scene properly.
Overall, I liked this story because the fantasy elements also hit on major human themes: death, surviving, doing what is right and sometimes the failure of success. I definitely like your Dark Queen, the almost enjoyment of ruthless behavior and casual dismissal of the dead faerie’s body. Very chilling in a wider scope to those under rule or on the run.
- add/view comments (0)
settling in the sky, but was masked by / but isn’t necessary because the second half of the sentence modifies the first without major contradiction or strong thought.
But she just couldn’t stop. Her life was at stake. / But shouldn’t start a sentence, but if that’s what you do then that’s cool. However, It isn’t necessary here either. These two short sentences can be combined into one effective sentence.
Last sentence of paragraph two starts with but. Erase it. Not needed. It sounds so much better with a clearer message and less cluttering words.
I particularly like your use of the Fey race, but you don’t capitalize it when you write about, which you should do.
Your storyline, if developed, could definitely be engaging and interesting. This is too short to hold my attention, but I like what you’re working with. I definitely think you should give the novel a shot and see how you do with it.
From what I read and saw, the only problem you have is with the word but. You use it so much it almost loses its meaning. If used properly it can get your point across accurately.
Keep up the good work.
How does twilight set in the sky? Not sure what you mean there.
“Though they looked as though they were half torn off, they were absolutely powerful” That’s amusing, but hard to picture. What makes their appearance absolutely powerful? I would introduce a lot more detail into the story. You can slow it down, describe the environment, the way people and things appear, with greater detail.
“If she were caught.
But she had to get home, get to her people, before she was caught…”
Try not to repeat words or phrases consecutively. It gets boring. You could say before she was captured, for example.
””No matter what you do, you cannot change anything,”
Sounds odd. I’d consider a rewrite of the dialogue. Make it sound more like people actually talk. I understand this has an otherworldly mythological context, what I’m talking about is the emotion, pauses, indecision, outbursts, mistakes, all the things that make up conversation besides the words. Thats how you bring the scene to life.
It’s okay as is but could use some work to make it more interesting. Elaborate. :8)
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
