Young Adult / Prosper (very begining)
CH1
I hear her. She doesn’t know, but I can hear and feel every fiber of her being as she shakes with grief and sadness. I can’t see her of course, being about two miles north of her. Her screams throb in my brain and my heart is heavy in my chest. I’m not sure why she is crying and so depressed. I have never been good at understanding why people feel what they feel, it is hard to tell when so many different things can bring up the same emotion, and I can only feel what they are feeling in that moment.
I watched my legs dangling off the window ledge about twenty feet off the ground. I concentrated less on the woman and her sorrow, letting her screams and sobs become just a thrumming in the back of my mind, my heart lightened a little. The wind blew my hair about, blocking my view for a moment. As I laid my head against the window frame I closed my eyes. It was always hard for me to sleep, when I sleep my mind is open to all the other emotions around me. I knew if I slept at this very moment, the woman’s screams and sobs would come back full force and the nightmare would begin again. My mother would be screaming and sobbing….
I opened my eyes quickly. That was not something I wanted to think about yet again. The woman’s screams had grown a fraction of a notch higher, I pushed it back. My heart had grown heavy again, this time it was a reaction from my own feelings. I hated thinking about that night. I looked up at the stars. Each tiny bright speck seemed so crystal clear. My Dad had told me that each star was someone looking down at their loved ones below. I kept my eyes on the brightest star, I whispered goodnight, for that star was my mother, looking down on me. The one to it right, was my father. I saluted to him, as I did when I was a toddler. I leaned back against the window frame once more, and watched the two brightest stars.
All is black. Im running up the stairs, as I was instructed. A Huge bang rings through the house as if someone tried to drive through it. I assumed it was the door. Men in dark cloaks could be seen down the stairs from where I hid.
“where is the child!”
“you will never have my son!” My mother’s screams filled my head and my heart raced, keeping time with hers. Hers was the only I could hear because I was the closest to her emotionally, except…where was my father? I realized at that very instant that I could not feel him anywhere. He was gone.
“Where is he Isabella!? Don’t make me kill you too!” This mans voice was harsh and irritated. He knew my mother.
She was crying, sobbing. Her pure sadness sank into every pore of my being, consumed every part of me. My heart seemed to drop to my stomach. My own sadness mixed with hers. I closed my eyes. Another bang rang out. My breathing stopped. Images of my mother as a child, in school, at home, with my dad, their wedding, and my birth all flashed quickly through my mind. My mother was dying. These were her memories flooding into my brain. A small man with wispy white hair flashed across then vanished, another memory of me, A gorgouse blond couple, my father and the older man again flashed through. A small boy with brown hair and big brown eyes playing with a younger version of myself, the cloaked men storming through stabbing my father and instantly killing him, and a picture of me running up the stairs. The pictures faded, and my breathing stopped completely.
“The boy is up the stairs!” A woman’s voice.
So I wasn’t the only one who watched as my mother accounted for all her memories. I could barely move. I climbed out from under the desk and climbed up onto it. The window hung about twenty feet off the ground, I jumped into the darkness.
My eyes shot open. I was gasping for air. I hated that dream. I was lying on cool wood. I guess I had slid from the window ledge to the desk beneath it. My head hurt, a large bump was forming in the back. I must have hit my head on the desk as well. The same desk I hid under when I was twelve. Five years later I couldn’t fit if I tried. Not that I’m heavy or anything, on the contrary, I’m almost too thin for lack of food, It is because of my height, a grand 6ft 2inches, taller then my dad. I smiled. He always told me I’d grow to be taller than he. I walked down the creaky steps. Skipping the second to the bottom, this one was missing. I walked out the door and began my morning routine.
I walked around to the back of the house which faced away from the city. I knelt down by two crosses, one for my mother and one for my father. Their bodies lay under the hard earth. I sat their, planning how I would eat this morning. I would have to eat in the city today. My stash of food had run dry the day before. I stood up and dusted the knees of my pants and walked around to the front of the house. The sun was just coming up. The horizon still had a tint of pink. I quickly begin picking my way through the shrubs and trees. The hill was slick with pine needles and maple leaves. A pinecone lay here and there. There was a steep part in the hill I learned to jump over. I jumped easily and landed flat on my feet. Up ahead was the only street that ran through this part of the forest. I stood behind the tree closest to the road, listening for cars. Hearing none I walked across.
I walked for what seemed like forever, and finally came to the edge of the forest, where the city began.
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I really like this. The setup here is intriguing. Im very interested to discover where you plan on going with this. The detail youve put into the picture in the words is perfect. You havent made it too dry with description and nothing is bland or generalized. Just the right amount to let me see whats going on. I like the part about dusting the knees of you pants. Thats a good line. Some things, like “The horizon still had a tint of pink.” i would do a bit differently. Perhaps. The horizon still had a tint of pink still left in it, evidence of early morning. And also spell out six foot two instead of 6ft 2inches. i would also put a semi-colon in these two sentences,”The hill was slick with pine needles and maple leaves. A pinecone lay here and there.,” for they deal with the same basic thought although separate sentences. but overall i definitely like the idea behind this piece.
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I thought it was very good beginning though I didn’t notice few typo’s and grammar issues that need to be addressed such as dropped off apostrophes, singular words that should be plural. You obviously have a wonderful talent for writing and I find the premise quite intriguing. I am assuming that the mc is emotionally telepathic—meaning he can sense other people’s emotions. I scene this written before, but I think if you a really good writer, which you are than it can be done in way that is unique and refreshing to the reader. Now there are few things that bother me (not a big deal though. 1. When she goes from looking at the stars to recalling her mother’s screams, I think you need a better transition so we know he’s going into flashback or else it’s confusing to the reader. 2. You mentioned that the man knew her mother. How does the man character know that? Maybe you should have the killer show his familarity to the reader so we know it too. 3. There a few places were you switch the narrative from talking in past tense to present tense such as…I quickly begin [began]picking my way…
Well that’s all for now. I hope this helps. I think you very talented and look forward to reading the next part to this intriguing story. Good Luck
This is a really good read, kept me engrossed from beginining to end. Very good descriptive writing that turned the words into pictures in my mind as well as feeling the emotions within the piece, which is what writing is all about for me! . You have talent and I hope you get something soon. Would be really interested in reading the next chapter – well done!
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