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Novel Treatments / Untitled, Chapter 2 (Analysis)
2|SCARLETT
I was different. No matter where I was, no matter where I went, I just didn’t fit in. Not even in the comfort of my own home. Especially not in the comfort of my own home.
That morning began like most others. I awoke with a start, damp with perspiration, a sharp pain pulsating through my temples. Abel kneeled at my bedside holding a glass of water and two small, white pills. I grabbed the water and gulped it down without a pause, quenching the burn in my throat. When I dropped the cup, I was breathing heavily.
Abel took the cup and darted out of the room, returning with more water in seconds. “Here, your medicine.”
Migraine pills. I swallowed them and laid back down on my pillow as they slowly surmounted the pain in my head. Abel stroked my cheek with a cold finger, brushed a piece of hair off of my forehead. “Tell me about it,” he said. His voice was low, smooth, soothing.
“It was the one about the boy again,” I said, recalling my dream. “I was running through the woods and he grabbed me…held me…” I closed my eyes and pictured him, tall, dark and handsome, embracing me. You’re safe. He whispered the words to me every night, and I believed him. Even as the white figures appeared through the darkness, their claws bared, salivating, ready to pounce…
“Relax, love,” Abel said as the tension in my body rose. “You’re awake now. Safe—”
“Until tonight,” I reminded him. “Until I fall back to sleep and I’m running through the woods again.”
“They’re just dreams, Scarlett.”
I sat up, looked him directly in his small, black eyes. “Are they?”
After I calmed enough to convince Abel to leave my room, I dressed and went down to the kitchen for breakfast. As usual, Lizette stood before the stove, cooking.
Since Abel found me so many years ago, Lizette prided herself on being the mother I’d lost. She cooked my breakfast every morning and my dinner at night, nursed me back to health when I was sick, beamed like a proud parent at my successes and comforted me after my failures. She forever treated me like a giggling toddler although I was now a sneering teenager. “Scrambled eggs and turkey bacon,” she said, setting my plate before me. It was delicious, as always. She didn’t eat, but thanks to her degree in culinary arts, she was a master chef.
“It’s delicious, Liz,” I said.
Before she could reply, Alex and Teagan entered the kitchen. Alex made his way to the refrigerator and pulled out a milk carton, only there wasn’t milk in it at all. I frowned as he drank down the bright red liquid. As many times as I watched him and the rest of my family do it, I couldn’t get used to the site.
“Who’s idea was it to keep blood in the refrigerator again?” I asked.
“Mine,” Teagan said. “But it’s supposed to be for emergencies,” she added, snatching the carton from Alex. He was smiling widely, a bloody mustache above his lip. My stomach wrenched.
“Okay, now, Alexander,” Liz said. “You’re grossing out the human.”
I dropped my eyes and took another bite of my eggs, only they didn’t taste as good as they had a moment ago. “It’s seven o’clock,” Abel said, striding into the kitchen. “We should get going.”
“Scarlett hasn’t finished eating,” Liz said, but I pushed my plate away.
“Actually, I’m not really hungry,” I said.
Liz frowned and Abel chuckled. “What did Alex do to disgust you this time?” Abel asked.
“I was thirsty!” Alex cried, still grinning. I rolled my eyes, as did Liz and Teagan.
Abel sat beside me. “Are you feeling better?”
“You tell me,” I replied.
He smiled. “Yes, you are. It's comforting.”
“Children!” My siblings and I looked up to see Amarus rush into the room. His usually placid features were twisted with alarm. I turned to Abel, who stood. I knew he must’ve picked up Amarus’s worry.
“What is it?” Abel asked.
Amarus turned on the television and stood back so we all could see. “…Was last seen in Cedar Park walking her dog. When the dog returned to her house, located just outside of the park, without her, his fur spotted with blood, the family grew alarmed and called for police.
“After three days with no findings and no leads, police have called off the search for Miller. Her family, however, has vowed to keep looking and asks for the community’s help…”
Amarus shut off the television just as the Miller girl’s mother appeared on the screen. “She’s the fourth missing person since last month,” he said. “I have no doubt she’ll turn up like the others…If she turns up at all.” The thought sent a violent chill up my spine. Amarus had been keeping up with the disappearances and murders which, to the townspeople, seemed mysterious and unexplainable, but to my family were all too familiar.
“You think it’s vampires?” I asked.
Amarus nodded solemnly. “Purebreds.”
“The murders, for sure,” Alex said. “But the disappearances? Purebreds don’t hide the evidence, Amarus. They leave a trail.”
“Sure, if there’s a trail to leave. But…But what if they aren’t killing these people?”
My eyes widened. “You mean…You think they’re just turning them?” Liz asked.
“It’s happened before.”
Again, my stomach lurched, only this time it wasn’t from disgust. Abel’s neck snapped in my direction, his eyes softened. “Don’t worry, love. They won’t come near you,” he assured.
“But my dream…”
“You’ve had another?” Amarus asked.
I nodded. “They’re just dreams,” Abel insisted.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so…Don’t you think…Isn’t it just a mighty coincidence that they started the night the first girl disappeared?”
“Yes…A coincidence.”
My family stared pitifully at Abel. He was in denial about my visions, about anything that made me any less of a normal human girl. As if living with a family of vampires wasn’t enough. “Well, coincidence or not, you’re all to keep an even closer eye on Scarlett. Be aware of your surroundings, and understand that this all puts us at risk for exposure. If things get to bad here—”
“Don’t tell me we’ll have to leave!” Teagan cried. “For Chirst Sake, Amarus! It’s only been a year! I like it here, I’m comfortable here!”
“We all are Teagan, but…How about we cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?”
Teagan snarled, her jaw still taut, her nostrils flared. I couldn’t blame her either. The constant moving around, having to leave our homes every few years so people wouldn’t start to wonder why the mysterious Winchester family didn’t age, was exhausting.
“Oh, look! It’s seven-fifteen already,” Liz said, sensing the tension building in the room. “We should get going, guys. We don’t want to be late for the first day of school. We seniors this year!”
Teagan rolled her eyes. “Seniors again. Oh, Glory.”
“This is Scarlett’s first time as a senior,” Amarus pointed out.
“Hopefully not my last,” I added. Abel growled. Everyone else chuckled. I knew just how to ruffle his feathers. My visions and the idea of making me a permanent part of their lives.
My siblings and I rose and made our way toward the front door. I shuddered upon stepping outside. It was a dark day. The clouds were thick in the sky and the air was damp. Abel and I exchanged glances and he took my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Nothing’s going to happen to you,” he promised.
The ride to school was a silent one. All of my siblings were in deep thought, wondering what was coming, maybe. Something was coming, for sure. I could feel it, which meant Abel felt it, too. I kept stealing glances at him. He remained tense, hard, thoughtful. What good were my visions if they didn’t show me anything useful? Meaningful?
Upon our arrival to school, everyone stared at us as usual. Maybe more than usual, that morning, as we showed up in a shiny new toy. It was Alex’s idea, of course. He came home with it only the week before. “What happened to keeping a low profile?” Liz asked.
Alex shrugged. “We’ll be the talk to the town, anyway. Might as well give them something to talk about.”
And so it was settled. We arrived to our first day of school in the gaudy, eighty-thousand dollar car that gave the students more of a reason to stare and whisper about us. As if that’s what we needed what with everything else that was going on in the town.
As always, our schedules were all intertwined. We each had at least two classes together, which was against school policy. It didn’t take much more than Alex’s intense gaze and soft voice to have the rules adjusted, though, just for us. Humans were puddy in the hands of my siblings, especially Alex. When he was turned, the charm his possessed as a human crossed over with him.
“So,” Alex said, as we sat in the corner of the cafeteria, waiting for the first period bell to sound. “Tell us how everyone is feeling this morning, Abe.”
Abel took a deep breath, paused for a moment, then nodded across the room toward a tall, blonde boy. “He still has a crush on you, Liz. And that whole group of girls right there,” he said, motioning toward a circle of giggling females. “They all want to do very immoral things to you, Alex.”
Alex looked at them, raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Teagan, most of the girls in the room are still sick with jealousy of you,” he said. She smirked.
“Yes, I hear.”
“And Scarlett…” He voice tightened when it was my turn. “You have your fair share of admirers, also. Especially one, although I can’t make out exactly who,” he said, narrowing his eyes, trying to zero in on the boys that surrounded us.
“I wish I can read minds,” Liz said. “I’d love to know what everyone thinks of us.”
“Just listen to them speak, Liz. Almost everyone in this room has mentioned us once or twice already.”
Liz’s eyebrows furrowed as she began to listen. A small smile spread across her lips. “What are they saying?” I demanded.
My siblings chuckled. “Someone just said he bets we have weekend orgies,” Teagan said.
“Yes, and his friend would like to join us,” Abel added. “For a shot at Teagan, of course.”
“Ah, someone just said they like my sweater,” Liz said with a smile.
“Someone else just said they’re surprised to see you here today, Scar. They thought we’d killed you over the summer,” Alex said, and we all laughed again.
When the first period bell rang, Teagan, Liz and I made our way to first period Calculus. Our teacher, Dr. French, was rumored to be impossibly difficult. I wasn’t worried, though. Everyone in my house had been through high school and college enough times to probably teach Dr. French a thing or two, so naturally I’d been learning far more outside of school my entire life.
Classes seemed to drag on, as I knew they would. I found myself drifting off occasionally, as the beings that raided my dreams kept me from sleep the night before. I was relieved when the seventh period bell rang, signaling lunch. I was in desperate need of a cup of coffee.
Alex and Abel walked me to the cafeteria where Liz and Teagan already sat waiting for us. “There’s a new kid in town,” Liz said as we took our seats. Alex and Abel exchanged glances.
“Yes, we saw him. He’s a very…curious young man,” Abel said.
“Isn’t everyone?” Teagan asked.
Abel shook his head. “Not like him. He’s more than just curious, he’s…suspious.” A small gasp escaped my throat, a hint of panic rose in my chest. Abel placed an icy, yet comforting hand over mine. “Relax, love. He isn’t a threat…yet.” Flashing me a reassuring grin, he brushed a small piece of hair off of my cheek.
We kept the rest of the conversation light and I tried to keep the lump of worry that kept forming in my gut subdued. Every once in a while, however, I saw Abel’s gaze flitter in my direction. Sometimes I wished he was Abel to tune my emotions out, like he could everyone else’s. Having him in my mind, in my body, worrying about my worries all the time was a constant burden on both of us.
When I asked Amarus once why Abel’s empathy was so sensitive to my emotions, he said that it was because my mind was far more advanced than most, and my emotions are directly connected to my mind. Therefore, my emotions were stronger, more overt, constantly in the path of Abel’s emotional radar.
After lunch, Liz escorted me to the bathroom where I locked myself in a stall. Shutting my eyes tightly, I tried to calm my nerves. Nothing would happen to me, my family would protect me. But what price would they pay for doing so?
Purebreds were far more powerful vampires than my family. They had in them the fortification only human blood could provide to their species, unlike my family who survived solely off of animal blood. If there were purebreds out there, scheming, how could my family ever defeat them? It was impossible, at least without devastating casualties.
Suddenly a blanket of tranquility settled over me. I felt my knees buckle and I slumped against the stall door. My eyes fluttered, my mind wandered, I felt as if I was floating. “Liz…” I slurred, aware that my sudden euphoria was of her doing.
“Be calm, sister,” she said softly. “You don’t want Abel to worry. You know how much of a pain he is when he worries.”
“Okay,” I breathed. “Let me go.”
A moment or so later, I could feel my nerves grow tense again. I took a deep breath and opened the stall door. Liz stood there, smiling warmly. “Feel better?”
I nodded. “Yeah, thanks.”
“We should go. We’re gonna be late,” she said, leading me out of the bathroom. When we stepped out into the hall, I immediately scanned the vicinity for Abel. Surely he was around, waiting to see if I was alright after that typhoon of emotions just moments before. Needless to say, I spotted him down the hall, walking toward me. I opened my mouth to speak to him, I knew he’d hear, but ran into what felt like a wall before I could get the words out.
The collision sent me into a daze for a moment. I probably would have went crashing to the floor had strong hands not steadied me. “Sorry!” the boy said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I should’ve been paying attention.”
The boy paused for a moment, then said my name. When I looked up at him my entire body went numb. I was sure my heart was like a loud drum in the ears of my siblings, it pounded at my chest like never before. “It’s you,” I choked out.
I stared up at him. At him. And suddenly I was back in the woods, back in his arms. “You’re safe,” he was whispering. “You’re safe with me.” I felt safe, comfortable, at ease and at the same time I was anxious, terrified, confused. How was this possible?
“Scarlett, what’s wrong?” Liz asked, a hint of urgency in her voice. She looked from me to the boy, then back at me. “Scarlett?”
Suddenly I felt a cold hand take hold of my arm. “Scarlett.” I turned to find Abel standing there, his features contorted with concern. “What is it?”
For a moment, I wasn’t sure how to reply. I wanted to ask Abel how to explain my own feelings to me. “I need to…Can we…I want to go home,” I stammered.
Abel nodded, no questions asked. “Liz, take her to the car. I’ll get the others.”
Lizette nodded, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me away from the boy. From him. “God, what’s wrong with you, Scarlett?” she demanded. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
I shook my head, honestly unsure of what I’d just seen. “I need to talk to Amarus,” I stammered. Yes, Amarus would explain this. He’d know what it all meant.
“You’re scaring me,” Liz said. Scaring her?
When we arrived at the car, Teagan, Alex and Abel were already waiting for us. “What happened?” they all asked in unison. Abel took me in his arm, held me tightly in his warm, hard embrace.
“She’s terrified,” he told the others.
As if on cue, my heart pace slowed, my breathing evened, my body went limp in Abel’s arms. “Liz…” I moaned.
Abel sighed. “Thank you,” he told her.
My brothers and sisters helped me into the car before climbing in themselves. I was barely conscious the entire ride home. Everything around me was almost psychedelic, I giggled whenever we hit a bump. Upon our arrival home, Abel carried me into the house as I babbled on about who-knows-what.
Amarus must’ve heard us come inside because he was downstairs in a flash.
“What’s going on? Why’re you home early?”
“Scarlett,” Abel explained. “She had some type of…panic attack.” He turned to Liz. “Let her go now.”
Slowly my elation faded, my thought process became regular again, as did my fears. “Now tell us what happened,” Abel said, sitting down beside me.
I looked at Amarus. “I saw him,” I said. “The boy from my dream.”
Five gasps filled the air. “At your school?” Amarus asked.
I nodded. “He’s new.”
“Him?” Alex cried. I nodded again.
“Are you sure it was him?” Amarus asked.
“Positive,” I said. “I knew right away. I could tell by the sound of his voice, by this…feeling I got.”
“Yeah,” Abel said, looking away from me. “I caught that.”
“What does it mean, Amarus? Who is he?”
Amarus’s expression was extremely thoughtful. His perfect, youthful face almost looked older when his features contorted in such a way. “Well, Scarlett, I can’t be sure. In your dream, you said you felt safe with him, correct?”
“Yes, completely at ease… I mean, as at ease as someone who’s being chased by…by things can get.”
“Well, then, maybe the boy isn’t a threat.”
“The hell he isn’t!” he Abel snarled. “You had to see the way he watched us, Amarus. He isn’t like the other people in this town. If you could feel how strongly he…he…” I sighed with frustration. “He’s not to be trusted.”
To my own surprise, Abel’s words sent disappointment tumbling through me. “You don’t even know him, Abel, you can’t be sure—”
“And we’re suppose to take that chance?”
“He’s just a human!”
“A very, very suspicious human. You don’t know how far he’d be willing to go to satisfy his curiosity, Scarlett—”
“And you do?” I demanded, jumping to my feet. “You could tell all that just from how he felt?”
He narrowed his eyes. “I won’t argue this with you, Scarlett. Stay away from him.”
I turned to Amarus. “We don’t know that there’s anything wrong with him,” I insisted.
“Why do you care so much?”Abel demanded.
I ignored him, continued to work on Amarus. “Of course he’s curious about us. Who in this town isn’t curious about us? He’s new, he’s probably heard the rumors—”
“I understand what you’re trying to say, Scarlett, but Abel’s right. We shouldn’t risk it. I think it’d be wise if you just stayed away from the boy. At least until we know more about him.” I pivoted and glared at Abel before stomping up to my room.
That night, I dreamt that I was back in the woods, only this time I wasn’t running. I simply stood there, shivering from the biting cold, peering off into the darkness. I heard movement in the brush, saw the eyes glowing in the distance like two silver marbles. My heart pace quickened, but I didn’t move. I waited there, waited in that spot, until the woman emerged from the trees.
I gasped, my eyes widened, my heart raced so fast it was like a steady hum. She was so beautiful, smiling, reaching for me. “Mommy,” I murmured.
She smiled wider and that’s when I caught sight of her teeth. Sparkling white and jagged. I recoiled, sucked in a large breath of air, and then I was running.
My legs pumped father and harder than I thought possible. My chest heaved, my insides burned, my limbs ached, yet I willed forward. They were behind me, I could hear them, coming closer and closer.
I jump over fallen trees, ignore the sting of the branches that slap and scratch at me. I just run. Run right into a pair of open arms. They wrap themselves around me, crush me against the chest of the boy. I feel like I’ve known his strong embrace forever. “You’re safe,” he says, his voice deeper, more jagged than the smooth tone I was so accustomed to. But it’s just a assuring, just as sincere.
“They’re coming,” I whisper. He nods, holds me tighter, and then I wake up.
****
The next morning, I mentioned nothing about my dream, nor did Abel ask about it even as he sat at my bedside with water and pills. Breakfast was silent and tense, as was the ride to school. I was glad when we entered the building and I was able to escape my family’s presence, if only for a few minutes. “Human nature’s calling,” I mumbling, turning in the opposite direction of the cafeteria.
Abel paused, kept his eyes on me until I disappeared around the corner. I let out a sigh of relief inside of the bathroom. I leaned on one of the sinks, tried to gather my thoughts. I was going to see him again, today, for sure. The anticipation was overwhelming.
I considered skipping lunch do I wouldn’t put myself through the agony of having to stay away from him but I wasn’t sure if that would have been worse than the agony of not seeing him at all. I slammed my fist against the white porcelain. Why did Abel’s word have to hold so much weight with Amarus? And why did I have to be so obedient?
I could trust this boy, I knew I could. How could Abel not know, too? I sighed, splashed my face with cold water, and headed for the door. I froze when I stepped out of the bathroom and saw him standing there, casually leaned up against the lockers. Waiting for me. He had a small grin on his lips, an intense look in his eyes. His supple lips parted and my name slipped through them. My eyes fluttered shut as warmth slowly crept through me.
When I opened my eyes, the boy stood right in front of me, just inches from my face. “Do I know you?” I asked. I had to ask.
He shook his head. “No, but I’d like to change that.” He offered me his hand. “My name is Brevan.”
I placed my hand in his. His palms were warm, smooth. “Nice to meet you,” I said, surveying his features. He was handsome. Very tall, broad and muscular. His body resembled that of someone twice his age, more mature, but his face was that of a child. Round, no hair with smooth, his cinnamon-brown skin unblemished. The dimples in his cheeks were prominent although he wore just a small grin. His eyes were small, shaped like a permanent squint, with a certain youthful sparkle to them. A sparkle that was long gone from the eyes of everyone in my household. Even me.
“Are you…sure we don’t know each other from somewhere?”
“I’m positive. If we’d met before, there’s no way I would forget.” I averted my eyes, bit down on my bottom lip to keep from giggling like a school girl.
“Scarlett!” Brevan and I both looked up to see Abel and Alex marching down the hall. Both of their expressions were hard, their hands in tight fists. “You should be getting to class,” Abel said. “You don’t want to be late.”
Brevan frowned. “The bell didn’t even—”
R-i-i-i-i-i-ing! Just in time. Alex didn’t take his cold, hard glare off of Brevan as
Abel took me by the arm and pulled me down the hall. “What did we tell you?” he hissed.
“We were just talking,” I replied.
“You like him.”
“I don’t even know him!”
“Are you denying it? Because that would be pointless, you know that. I can feel it, Scarlett. When you feel, I feel it. I thought the butterflies in my stomach were going to carry me right out of the cafeteria.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Brevan did give me butterflies, the fact was undeniable.
“He’s suspicious, Scarlett,” Alex reminded me. “You can’t get too close to the boy. He may learn too much.”
“How could he? If we became friends, just friends. You know, I’ve never had any friends?”
Abel scoffed. “You want to be more than his friend, Scarlett.”
“Is that what this is about?” I demanded, pulling out of Abel’s grip. “You’re jealous? You don’t want me, but no one else can have me?”
Abel sighed, dropped his eyes. “Scarlett—”
“You had your chance,” I said, lowering my voice so the students who began to swarm the hallways wouldn’t hear. “You didn’t want me.”
He placed his hand on my waist and gently backed me up into the lockers.
“I’ve always wanted you,” he murmured, lowering his forehead to mine. A chill ran up my spine as he raised his icy palm to my cheek. “You know why we can’t be together.”
“Because you’re afraid you’ll hurt me. Like you hurt Alanna.” I shook my head.
“That was a long time ago, Abel. You have more control now—”
“I can’t risk it! You’re so…fragile,” he said. “Like a porcelain doll. So easily broken. I could never forgive myself if I ever hurt you.”
“There’s an easy solution to that problem.”
“We’ve discussed this. I won’t turn you, either. I’m not that selfish.”
His rejection settled on my chest as if I was hearing it for the first time. “This hurts,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.
“It’ll pass, love. You’ll find someone who cares for you almost as much as I do one day.” His voice suddenly became stern. “But it won’t be that boy, do you understand? He’s not to be trusted, Scarlett.”
I glanced past Abel to see dozens of curious eyes glued to us. “Can we continue this conversation when we don’t have an audience?”
“No need, the conversation’s over,” he stepping back. “Stay away from the boy.” And before I reply, he was off through the crowd of onlookers with swiftness I didn’t bother to match.
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Rhonda9080 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nice opening! Good characterization right off the bat… We know this person’s conflict.
Page 1:
Oh yes! Flawless writing! I am already immersed in the story. Good job!
No even nit-picky things here…
Page 2:
giggling toddler, sneering teenager… Wonderful! This is page is flawless too (in my humble opinion). I’m in love with your clear and succinct style. Very good at prompting imagery, w/o overdoing it.
Page 3:
who stood… stood up… Matter of style here. Think I would be telling you how I would write it, which I always hate in reviews.
Great dialogue, interesting characters.
One little thing: I’m not sure about the x2 paragraphs for the news story. If you gave us the first, then gave us the rest in indirect quote or paraphrase thoughts of our VP character. It just kind of broke me from Scarlett’s VP for a moment. I was cruising along. Might be just me. See if anyone else mentions it. No biggie…
Page 4:
Ok—so Scarlett is not a vampire, and this is probably in your ch 1 (which I will go and read!). She is adopted by this family? It was in the queue and looked interesting, so here I am… Need to look for chapter one…
Again, very good characterization, very believable. I like the name Teagan by the way…. Good name choices!
Page 5, 6, 7:
Again, flawless… I am deep into the story now….
Page 8:
This was just a little awkward for me: They had (in them) the fortification… They had the fortification? I did stumble over the sentence just a bit. Again—could be just me.
Otherwise, page shiny…
Page 9:
typhoon of emotions—very uncliche. Nice!
Page 10,11:
ditto! The bumping into sequence… Very well done!!!
Page 12:
Must read chapter one… I want to know more about her dream!
Stay away from him… We know that won’t happen! As a reader, I can’t wait at this point for her to “bump” into him again!
Page 13:
dreams again… good foreshadowing…
Page 14:
Just can eliminate unnecessary word here, for flow:
relief inside (of) the bathroom.
Ok—there he is! Well done! Good romantic tension here… one paragraph, and he is sexy to me, the reader. Then his intro-line… Yes! Well done!
Page 14-15: discription of Brevan could be a little more colorful. More vivid. Must match his opening line. I don’t like the face like a child part. Its not very effective because I am now instantly transformed into thinking of him as a child… Not a sexy, goodlooking teenage boy who will win Scarlett’s heart. Your build up was so good with him so I was expecting more in his physical description.
*You can do this! You are a very capable writer :) Make me--the reader-- believe he’s good-looking enough to fall for, etc.
Page 15:
Whoa! Love triangle! Okay, this is getting really interesting…
Page 16: ending paragraph—very well done!!!
Overall impression—I was very taken with your characters, dialogue, flow, etc.
Above are my only little nitpicky things. In my (humble) opinion, this is a great ch 2 of a novel (where we’re still learning characters, storyline, etc). *I would only spruce up the physical description of Brevan.
A very worthy and wonderful read!
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jonaustin1481 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 24% of the Item
Though its good, I won’t read it all, because I think most people want and need a straight-to-the point critique for the least credits, so here goes:
Overall the writing shows great promise. I would be a little concerned that a story involving teen-aged, romantically entangled vampires might be a tad unoriginal, so I hope you can bring something to the table that sets the work apart in a BIG way.
I think it could be made better with a little tightening up of things. In a vampire story, each sentence MUST pack a punch. Show, don’t tell, and avoid any hint of cliched and oh so blase syntax. Word search “was” and “that” and artfully dissect them as much as possible.
Examples:
“I was different. No matter where I was, no matter where I went, I just didn’t fit in. Not even in the comfort of my own home. Especially not in the comfort of my own home.”
Try:
When you don’t even feel comfortable in your own home, especially in your own home, then you know you have a problem. It wasn’t much better anywhere else. Fitting in wasn’t my thing, I suppose.
Another:
“That morning began like most others. I awoke with a start, damp with perspiration, a sharp pain pulsating through my temples. Abel kneeled at my bedside holding a glass of water and two small, white pills. I grabbed the water and gulped it down without a pause, quenching the burn in my throat. When I dropped the cup, I was breathing heavily.”
Try:
Not again, yes again, I awoke in a flash. Pain pulsed in my temples, making me want to cry out, but I didn’t. Abel startled me, standing there with a glass in one hand and the other extended palm up. I turned towards him, the damp sheet clinging to my back, and took the glass and let him roll the two tablets into my hand.
Anyway, that’s quick and dirty, but note that subtle things are left out intentionally so to make the reader fill in the gaps for themselves.
Dont tell me you dont ‘fit in’, dont tell me you ‘awake that way every morning’, dont tell me you are damp ‘with perspiration’, dont tell me ‘here’s your medicine’, dont tell me they are even ‘pills’, dont tell me they are ‘migraine pills’, dont tell me you are ‘recalling the dream’ etc etc etc
Don’t tell me any of that stuff, SHOW me, and leave some stuff out very strategically.
Hoffmane21 reviewed Version 1 -
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Can you tell us the difference between a purebred and a non-purebred is? I thought that vampires were created by biting humans and turning them. Is there another way? (Okay you kinda exaplin this a bit later.)
Where did they find scarlett? How long ago? Why did they help her? Can you give a brief explanation? I feel left in the dark.
the charm his possessed -he not his
I mumbling -mumbled
Very good, I am sorry I liked it so much I forgot to review! I actually like this chapter much more than the first. It’s kinda like a romeo and juliet story. (although I wasnt as much into that as I was this). You really give off a good description of your characters without having to say so much. I like that about your story. There are just a few things needed andthis would be amazing.
Can’t wait to see more.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay I’ve seen Twilight. The them always being seniors and the first lunch reminded me a little of the movie but from the vamps point of view. BUT to boost your ego, I liked this better than twilight. I like you managed to squeeze your vampire human romance into the story. I really like Abels and Scarletts love hate relationship. I like that Scarlett might not be all human. This stands out from other vamp stories. The funniest thing was the part when the female vamp mentioned somebody liking her sweater. Only negative is that I forgot about alex. He just kind of vanished and the popped back up with the scene with braven.
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