Novel Treatments / Untitled: Excerpt, Possibly Ch. 1
I slowly descended the narrow stairs of the tiny two-bedroom apartment my brother and I shared. It was a drab morning, cloudy, cold, wet, and my first day at Cedar High School. I was dead tired and my entire body ached from the long night Riley and I had before. So far, the school year wasn’t starting out so hot, and I could only hope that morning wasn’t of omen of things to come.
“Good morning, Sunshine,” Riley said. He was wide awake, already dressed and halfway through a plate of eggs, bacon and toast. His exuberance annoyed me. He was the reason I was feeling so crumby. What right did he have to feel good?
“’Morning,” I grumbled, filling my own plate with the leftover food that still sat on the stove.
“Ready for school?” I scoffed and plopped down across from him. “What’s the matter, Kid?”
“I’m tired and sore,” I complained. “That stinking leach really got me good last night.”
“I saw. You’ll be okay, though. You’ll live. At least the beast didn’t bite you. You wouldn’t be able to say that much,” Riley said, then paused and contemplated for a moment. “Not technically, anyway.”
I sighed. “Why am I even doing this, Ry?”
“Doing what?” he asked, taking a large gulp of his orange juice.
“School. It’s not like I’ll be finishing out the year here.”
“Actually, I think you’re wrong,” he said. “We’re close this time, Brev. Closer than we’ve ever been. Their nest is right in this time, somewhere in these trees. We’re gonna find it before they get a chance to leave this time.” I didn’t even waste the energy believing him. I’d heard it a million times. “When we do, I think we’ll stay here for a while. Cedar’s a nice enough town, don’t you think?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t ask for this, you know.”
“Neither did I. But we got it, Brev, we were born to do this. We’re vampire hunters. Damn good ones, too.” He was so proud. The fact that our lives had no stability, neither of us had any real friends or lovers, and we were constantly in danger didn’t matter to him. The only thing that matter to him was the hunt.
I prayed he was right about catching the nest this time. I prayed they wouldn’t run before we had our chance at them because either way, Cedar was my last stop. For a while, anyway. If Riley chose to go on, he’d be going without me. I didn’t choose that life, and I wasn’t going to accept it. Of course I said none of that to Riley. Instead, I ate down my breakfast and left for school.
Cedar was a small isolated town in upstate New York. Tiny actually, barely even a spec on a map. It consisted mostly of dirt roads and trees, located dead in the middle of a forest that went on for miles and miles. Everyone in the town knew everyone else, so naturally Riley and I were somewhat of a spectacle when we arrived. No one moved into Cedar, only out. The people that lived there, always lived there and newcomers were rare.
Cedar High School was small, naturally, at the end of a long, narrow road. I pulled into the student parking lot and all eyes fell on me. I wondered how long it would be before everyone got used to my presence as I found a spot in the back of the lot. Shutting off my engine, I surveyed my surroundings before climbing out of the car. This isn’t so bad, I told myself. It was cozy, modest. Everyone seemed friendly enough, once I got past their curious stares.
Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my backpack and climbed out of the car. Locking it behind me, I turned and nearly dropped my keys when an all black Audi A8 came cruising by and found a spot across the lot. What was a car like that doing in this Podunk town, at this Podunk school? Could it have been a teacher’s? No, no way this school was paying their teachers enough to afford that. And a student riding around in it seemed even less likely.
I stood by my own ragged ’67 Impala and waiting anxiously for the driver to emerge. Finally, the back door opened and a girl climbed out. A gasp escaped my throat when I set eyes on her. Seconds later the driver door opened and another girl stepped out, this one just as breathtaking as the first. On the other side of the car, two guys appeared, both strikingly handsome if I do say so myself, and behind them, came another girl.
My eyes immediately fixed on her. She stood out like a sore thumb in her group, which stood out like a sore thumb amongst the rest of the school population. She didn’t seem to notice, though, or care at least. None of them did. They seemed content in all their oddness. It was as if they didn’t notice the contrast between Scarlett’s peanut butter-brown complexion and the rest of their skin tones, all bone-white.
The group came together at the trunk of the car and started across the parking lot toward the school building. They all kept a steady, graceful stride and everyone they passed stopped to watch them. It was as if they were moving in slow motion, gliding across the parking lot. And each of them seemed completely oblivious to everything but one another.
No one called out to any of them, or waved or made a move to greet them at all. Everyone seemed just as intrigued, as enthralled by them as I was. Were they new to town, too? I didn’t think so. Strangely enough, they seemed comfortable there, comfortable in their isolation despite the unease they brought to everyone around them.
I focused on the shortest girl in the bunch, the youngest, it seemed, the only one with any color in her complexion, and it wasn’t even because she was brown. Bushels of long, thick curls fell around her face and blanketed her shoulders. Her prominent cheek bones accentuated her catlike eyes and shaped her face into a heart. When she laughed, the corners of her full lips were turned up into a smile revealing her perfect, sparkling white teeth and a dimple in her left cheek. The girl was stunning, so unique, even exotic, yet, average in comparison to the beings she walked with.
I guess that’s what drew my attention to her. Her incredible beauty, far more intense than the other girls in town, but nowhere near as great as her siblings. Her flaws made her splendor more natural and therefore unnoticable. Not until she was next to the two gorgeous girls, or the dazzling boys, whose perfectly faultless, symmetrical features could have been chiseled on by Michelangelo himself.
“Are you looking at Scarlett?” a voice behind me asked. I turned to see a boy about my age standing there. He was smaller than me, as were most of my peers, but still sort of broad and stocky. I assumed he played football or something similar.
“Who?” I asked.
He nodded toward the group just as they disappeared into the building. “Scarlett. The short one. The Black one.”
“Oh, yeah. Scarlett’s her name?”
“Yep.” He turned to me and extended his hand. “I’m Will.”
“I’m Brevan. Good to meet you.”
“You’re new, right? You must be. Everyone else knows the Winchesters. Their names, at least.”
I nodded. “I just moved to Cedar last month,” I said as we started toward the building.
“Oh, yeah? How do you like it so far?”
I shrugged. “Its…woodsy.”
He laughed. “Yep, I guess that would be the perfect word to describe Cedar. Where’d you move from?”
“New York City,” I replied.
His eyes widened. “Wow, talk about culture shock.”
I shrugged again. “I’ve lived all over, actually, in worse places than this, believe it or not.” Before New York City it was a small town in Maine, smaller than Cedar if such a thing is possible, that my brother tracked the nest to. He swore it was there we’d stay, because he was sure we’d find the nest’s hiding place and we’d be able to exterminate it for good. But four months and twenty-two disappearances later, we ended up in New York City.
“Military brat?” Ha, I wish.
“Something like that,” I said.
Will led me through the narrow halls of the school to the cafeteria where everyone waited for the first bell to ring. It was there I spotted Scarlett again. Her coat was off, now, and I had a clear view of her figure. Curvy, toned, beautiful. “So, what’s the deal with them? Who are they?”
“No one really knows,” Will said. “They just showed up one day. Moved into the Winchester manor—”
“The what?”
“The Winchester manor. It’s that gargantuan house off the road that leads into the town. You can’t miss it.” I nodded, looked back at Scarlett. She was smiling again. A rush a warmth coursed through me. “Anyway, supposedly the house belonged to Amarus Winchester’s, that’s their ‘father’,” he said, portraying quotation marks with his fingers. “His great-great-great-grandfather, or something like that. I’ve looked the guy up, too. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear they were the same person.”
My eyes darted back to the Winchesters. Was it possible..? Could they have been..? No, of course not. I watched them walk through the sunny parking lot myself. I looked out of the window and up at the sky. It was a kind of cloudy. Was it possible..? “They’re all related?” I asked.
“Yep, accept Scarlett, obviously. I hear she’s been with them for a long time, though. Amarus Winchester raised her with the rest of them.”
“And they’re all seniors?” He nodded. “How’s that possible?”
“Well, like I said, I don’t know the whole story. But from what I hear, Alexander Winchester, the taller, stockier guy, and Teagan Winchester, the sister with the curly hair, are twins, and Amarus’s niece and nephew. And the other two, Abel and Lizette Winchester, who are also twins, are his kids from his late wife.”
“So they aren’t brothers and sisters?”
“Not by blood, but yeah, they’re definitely brothers and sisters.”
None of them looked related, let alone like twins. Not at first glance, at least. After watching for a bit, I started to notice their similarities and wondered how I ever missed them. Their skin, for starters, was an eerie chalky white and absolutely flawless. Not one of them had even the slightest mark or blemish that normal teens were cursed me. All four of them had the same onyx eyes, like small, black pearls and thick, jet-black hair. Their movements were similar, stiff, tense yet effortlessly graceful. And the way they all stood around Scarlett, like guards, almost daring anyone to get close. Especially one.
Abel, Will said his name was. The shorter brother. He stood the closest to her, hovered over her almost, didn’t take his intense stare off of her. Whenever she shifted, he shifted. When they walked, he kept him his hand planted on the small of her back. And she seemed as equally engrossed in him. Even from across the room, I could see the way she gravitated toward him, almost looked at him when she spoke, kept her body positioned toward him. Strange behavior for two people who grew up as siblings. I couldn’t help but think there was more to their story.
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The first thing you can do to make this a good fit as chapter 1 in a novel, is get past the “Please no spelling/grammar critiques.” You need a lot of work in this department, as well as basic structure and sentence flow.
When your errors are so numerous that it distracts from any story…it pays off to just let people help you in that department.
Aside from that, not sure what else you want here. So you want it as a first chapter, I say it will work fine (once you fix your issues with the English language)
You main character brevan doesn’t sit quite right with me. In the beginning they (he and his brother) claim to be damn good at what they do, and yet he can’t smell the vampire on the family (especially when the character of Will pretty much spells the word vampire out to him….just appeared…oh wow! they’re all seniors! just like the cullens!!!) it isn’t right to me. It is not believeable.
Be careful, your piece seems to be a very typical teen vampire story. in other words, so far you don’t get much originality points. You will have to work very hard to make it stand out.
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Their nest is right in this time -I am sorry but the feel incomplete or wrong. There nest is in what? Or are you trying to say their nest is HEre this time?
Please explain…
The people that lived there, always lived there and newcomers were rare. -you’ve said this with the rest of the paragraph, it makes it sound a little redundant.
You mention him having a hard night. And what leach? You’ve left us hanging on an important point? We cannot relate at all to his tiredness if we don’t know what he was up to and why he was out so late the night before school. Is Riley his friend? Brother? Father? I believe you should at least let us know that. It will help us better understand their relationship throughout the chapter.
slightest mark or blemish that normal teens were cursed me. – I know you said no spelling or grammar, but spell check might miss this.. Do you mean cursed with?
Other than those I think it is going well. Hope to see more.
Not until she was next to the two gorgeous girls, or the dazzling boys, whose perfectly faultless, symmetrical features could have been chiseled on by Michelangelo himself. – I like this statement. It’s almost poetic. I like how you throw in the the art of Michaelangelo. It makes these creatures the work of a very talented artist and have the perfection of his work. Good description.
His eyes widened. “Wow, talk about culture shock.” – A typical reaction from small town people. Nice touch.
Captivating is the only thing I could think of as to how I find the story. It’s definitely caught my interest. Only, I kind of feel like it’s more of a Romeo and Juliet or an Edward and Bella kind of story. I’m still interested though. I found some errors but you said you didn’t want it pointed it so I didn’t. You have a good story and you could possibly get away with making this your first chapter. I don’t feel like you were missing anything about your character. You supply just enough to pique the interest in readers. well done.
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