I turned and ran right into a broad, solid chest. Panic hit me in the gut like a wrecking ball and I nearly screamed before realizing who it was. “Brevan!” I cried, gripping my chest. “You scared me! What are you doing here?”
“I told you I’d be back.”
“I didn’t think you’d…How did you even get in?”
“Your window.”
My eyes widened. “You climbed three stories?”
A small grin spread across his lips. “You saw me wrestle a bear. Is it that surprising?”
I sighed and made my way past him to my bed. “You’re lucky my family left. If they heard you up here—”
“They’d kill me?” His tone made me pause, his stare made me quiver. Everything about him was so intense in that moment, so grim. “Where’d they go, anyway? This late?” His tone was almost accusatory, I could feel my heart beat faster under his glare.
“To the lake. The moon is full tonight, it’s peaceful by the lake.”
“And you stayed behind?”
“Obviously.”
He nodded as if he knew I was lying. I couldn’t help but wonder if he did. He looked around my room. “This is nice. Different from what I was expecting, but then again, I haven’t seen the rest of the house.”
“Well, what were you expecting?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Coffins, maybe. Bats, cob-webs, bloodless corpses.”
My stomach wrenched and I swallowed hard. “What are you talking about?” I asked, struggling to keep my voice even.
“Are they out murdering people, Scarlett? Do you sit here every night while they go kill innocent people?”
“No!” I cried, jumping to my feet. I made my way across the room, as far away from Brevan as I could get. “God, what are you talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb. I already know.”
My palms grew damp beneath my fists and I chewed nervously on my bottom lip. “How could you possibly know anything?” My voice came out as nothing buta hoarse whisper.
“Because…What they are is the reason I am what I am.” I didn’t hear his footsteps approaching, just felt his hands on my shoulders in the next minute.
They were warm and soft, so different from the cold, rough touch I’d become so accustomed to. “They’re vampires.”
“How could you know that?” I choked out.
“I was born to know, Scarlett. I’m a hunter.”
His words hit me like stray bullets. A hunter, in my house, in my room? I pulled away from him and darted for the door, nearly stumbling over my armchair. He caught me before I could get far and pulled me against him. I opened my mouth to scream but he slapped his hand against my face. “Please don’t run from me, Scar. Please don’t be afraid. You know I would never hurt you. You know that. I would never hurt you.”
Maybe not me, but my family. What difference did it make? I was so stupid, so stupid. How could I let him get so close to me, to us? “I’m gonna let you go, okay? Don’t scream, please.” I attempted to nod but his firm grip on my head wouldn’t allow it so I just waited for him to release me. As soon as he let me go, I moved back across the room. “I didn’t come here tonight to hurt you or your family. I honestly came to…talk to you.”
“You’re a hunter.” I felt hurt, betrayed. “You used me.”
“No. No, I fell for you before I figured your family out. Honest.” He took a step toward me and I took one back. His eyebrows pulled together. “Please don’t be afraid of me, Scarlett. You know I wouldn’t hurt you. I’m the same person—”
“No, you aren’t. You’re a hunter. Since I could remember, I’ve been taught to avoid hunters at all cost. How long have you known about my family, Brevan?”
“Your family? How are they your family, Scar? You aren’t safe with them!”
“But I’m safe with you?”
“Yes! You are, you’ll always be. I’ll never get hungry and kill you.”
“My family wouldn’t hurt me. They don’t drink human blood—”
“Don’t lie to me, I already told you I know the truth.”
I was furious. Who did he think he was? He thought he was so smart, figuring out our secret. All of his kind did, but in reality, they were all ignorant. They had no idea what kind of beings vampires had evolved into. “You don’t know anything! None of you hunters do! You’re all heartless beasts! Murderers!”
His eyes widened with surprise and a chuckle escaped his throat. “Are you kidding me? You live with a houseful of walking, talking leaches and I’m the beast? Have you read the paper lately? Did your family tell you what they did to that girl?”
“I already told you, they don’t drink human blood. They haven’t for as long as I’ve been around. Even longer.”
“And how long is that?”
“Since I was four.”
He raised his hand to his heart, stared at me as if I was one to pity. “You’ve been living with them for thirteen years?”
“Yes, and I’m still alive, as you can see. Perfectly healthy. No bite marks, all my blood where it should be.”
He shook his head. “I don’t understand. That’s impossible. They can’t…They can’t control themselves. The bloodlust is too strong.”
“Is that what your elders have taught you? Like I said, you don’t know anything, Brevan.”
He took another step toward me and my heart pace quickened. “Stay back!” I cried, taking another step back, only this time my back met the wall. “They’ll be back soon,” I lied. “I suggest you be gone by then.”
“I just wanna have a civilized conversation with you, Scarlett, please,” he begged. He shook his head. “How could you be afraid of me?” He sounded so genuine, so sincere. He still looked like Brevan. The same Brevan who managed to capture my heart despite all my best efforts to prevent it. The same Brevan I’d dreamt about, the same Brevan who made me feel human again.
But he wasn’t that Brevan anymore. He was a hunter.
A hot tear made its way out from behind my eye and slid down my cheek. “I trusted you.”
“You can still trust me. I just want to protect you.”
“From my own family?” I shook my head. “If you hurt them, that’s hurting me, you know that, don’t you?”
“Can we please just sit down and talk? We both obviously have some explaining to do.” He took another step toward me, and another and another until he was just inches away. He reached out and gently touched my face, and I collapsed into his arms.
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I would shy away from first person since you are telling it from two people’s points of view. You can write third person and still be in their head.
You dialogue doesn’t have the same flow in the first section I read (probably because you are trying too hard to show us that they like each other.) Don’t force it, don’t let it drift into cliche….just put yourself in their position. You care deeply about someone, but you can’t be with them because it would tear your world apart. Show us in their actions, their words.
Let her stay angry a while before making her fall victim to her passions. In other words, don’t let her give in at the end of this scene. Sometimes the best way to show how much someone cares is how long they can linger on the hate and anger.
She uses too many words such as “elders” and even her calling him a “hunter” more than that first initial “You’re a hunter?” moment, it’s too much technical speak. She is a teenager and one that is flooded with emotions.
Hmm…How do I explain what I think? I like it. It’s exciting. You asked us not to correct grammar or the such so it makes for a constructive review. Nothing seems to be out of place. Your pace is very good. When it comes to showing how they feel for each other there does need to have more feeling. Imagine what it feels like. You can’t breathe, your heart races, everything inside your body screams to be close to that person. Your stomach knots and butterflies seem to control every nerve in your body. Now for the betrayal part. You heart skips, your throat tightens your head spins uncontrollably (not sure i spelled that right). The pain in your chest and the utter disbelief needs to be more described. Her actions need more. Instead of telling us, show us. She’s nervous her family would find him there. She worried he will do everything in his power to rid of the vampires, despite his words to her. Show us more of her doubt. Show us more of everything. It’s hard to describe but I’m pretty sure you can pull it off. Can’t wait to read more. Well done.
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