thank you, i tried to leave the poem as open as i could to interpreation without being far too abstract
Poetry / Learn, Embrace, Know
Silence pierced the dim lit room,
Tragedy would be known soon.
The ebb, the flow, the rise, the fall,
The dead, the crow, the eyes, the wall.
Extrapolating distorted faith,
Manipulating a wispy wraith.
Rectifying thought in motion,
Subjectifying the tiniest notion.
Eclesiastical retribution,
Eccumenical contribution.
Satisfying realized doom,
Gratifying the dim lit room.
Spurring others to find there foes,
Luring more to read my prose.
I am the one you hear in silence,
I am the force behind your defiance.
I am the one forcing you to see wealth,
I am the one thinking of your health.
Of your decisions, I am an influence,
Of all derision, I am the inference.
You see me not, but my voice rings clear,
Ignored a lot, but let it be known I am here.
Just as it seems tragedy would not strike,
Along comes something you will not like.
Another voice shows, enveloped with hatred,
Claiming it knows, leaving your mouth acrid.
It is that moment where you confess wrong doing,
This is where forgiveness is hoped for, slowly brewing.
To ease a mind of regretful past thought,
Is something necessary, though seldom sought.
As you can see it divides your mind's voice,
Leaving you with many, when should only be one choice.
Bring to amends what you have done,
Or it will prevent you from truly hvaing fun.
Accept your shortcomings, do not deny,
Life is not living when greased with a lie.
Follow your heart, nothing takes you farther,
Accept what it tells you, let it take you further.
The heart is nothing more than a gateway of love,
Brought from the spiritual side, you know what I speak of.
The intrinsic connection felt between two people,
Is more important than any marriage near a steeple.
Though do not let love pull a wool over your eyes,
Do not try to accept the many, many lies.
Be you, be the real you, that is why you are here,
You cannot accomplish this when staunched by every fear.
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Maria reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice write! I loved the passion here. The piece was very moving. I liked how meaning depends on the reader. For me this was a very spirtual piece. Your flow was very nice, the tone was good. I thought this was an excellent read. Nice word play, captivating, and filled with passion. Your are very creative, and this piece shines.
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sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this, though it left me with a sense of unfullfillment. I kept expecting ti find out for sure who or what “I am the one….” actually is. There is much inference as to what or whom this may be but I wnated to know if I was on the right track so you mught think about adding or revising to include this. The imagery and flow are good but the clarity needs to be tighter.
Thanks for sharing!
Donna
kiabrown reviewed Version 1 -
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really all I can say that I thought the rhyming was pushed and that it just didn’t flow right.
loveandrockets28 reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the rhythm of the piece… i’m not usually a fan of a rhyme scheme but you made it work, especially wit dead, crow, etc. good luck!
nubadunk reviewed Version 1 -
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Scheme was good it rolled off the tongue. For a moment I got the feeling I was reading the bible which was nice. Basically everything the bible teaches is in your poem and in a sort of way! Keep up the good work!
DanielleSnelson reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice! It definitely has character and feeling! however it almost seems as tho it may be two poems in one. then again it could be just how i read it. While reading it i thought it was going one way and then the ending was surprising. very good though!
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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Scans ok, makes sense and I guess there is a point to make. But I personally don’t like poems where you use big words when little ones would do. It is more an exercise in using a dictionary or thesaurus. Prolixity is a evil incantation as they say. Do you think you could put this in simple language? e.g. What does subjectifying the smallest notion mean? If you made it simple would it be worth doing?
Sothanma reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed reading this poem. It has a somewhat old fashioned feel to it which may not appeal to a very braod or young audience.
TonyVinyoh reviewed Version 1 -
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I think as you go along the notion of something dangerous fades into something motivational.
honey69_1986 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! So many goos lines here…
Spurring others to find there foes,
Luring more to read my prose.
To ease a mind of regretful past thought,
Is something necessary, though seldom sought.
As you can see it divides your mind’s voice,
Leaving you with many, when should only be one choice.
You see me not, but my voice rings clear,
Ignored a lot, but let it be known I am here…
I think this line is my favorite. :)
Be you, be the real you, that is why you are here,
You cannot accomplish this when staunched by every fear.
This is true motivation for every person who has doubts :)
I love this poem. Keep it up I want to see more!
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