Chapter 29 We Go Thud
(Note I wrote a lot of this before reading what Donna wrote so some will be repetitious, but it does show the view from the other side.).
And on we go. I wrote a rather nice love letter on the 16th. I do start by saying I've only gotten two letters from her in the last 12 days. I ask if she is mad at me and if she is for her to please tell me why. I tell her I miss her so much it hurts and recall a wedding she attended last year where the minister said "Pick out someone who pleases you and then spend the rest of your life making them happy." I tell her she's the one for me and all I want is for her to be happy.
The next day I got two letters from Donna. Her letters of the 15th and 16th. I don't know what held the first one up but they did come on the same day. I try to respond to both. First I bawl her out for even suggesting I could ever stop loving her. I tell her nothing she could ever do, say, or write would ever make me stop loving her. (She puts that to a real test very soon.) I write that, because I do love her and know she loves me, I know she isn't trying to cheat me or get away from me. I tell her I wasn't quoting out of context, but only repeating what I understood her to be saying. Then I mention the Chastity issue, saying "As you are now, so shall you be on the day we are married." (That's not a bad reply.) I end by saying don't get all worked up by what you wrote because I'll always love you no matter what. I tell her that I don't always agree with her but I do always love her. I mention that my finals will be over tomorrow and say that within two years we will be married, and to think about the arguments we can have then. All in all a good letter, but written too late.
On the 21st I wrote to her while listening to the Indians/Angels game she was attending. I tell her I hadn't heard her singing during the National Anthem. I say my finals went OK and I'm only signed up for one class 2nd term. Her family had talked about taking a cross country vacation which might mean she could stop in Ohio on the way back. We had talked on the phone the 19th and I seem to think she is now coming back to Valpo I tell her I love her more than she can ever know and that while I hope to be the husband she deserves I know I'll fall short, but not from lack of trying. I also tell her I'm sending her father a birthday card. (I wonder what he thought of that.) I close by telling her my draft classification is 2-S so I won't be drafted. The Indians lost 4 to 0.
I know what is coming next and I’m surprised at the feelings I’m having after forty-seven years. Anyhow, here we go. Donna wrote to me on the 19th (after our phone call) and the 20th. I got both letters the 23ed. For some reason I opened the letter of the 20th first.
It was a nice enough love letter but it scared me so much I was afraid to open the other letter. It starts "I know I said I wouldn't write until I got your answer but you know what - I wanted to tell you I love you. I’m not saying that as your fiancée but as a girl friend who loves you very much, and who hopes you love her enough to understand and forgive her and to ask her again to be your fiancée someday.” She tells me her grades are going to be bad and she hopes there is nothing worse than a C. She reminds me they are going to the ball game tomorrow because she promised me she would when Cleveland came to town. She closes with "I love you and some day I'll grow up and be old enough to marry you."
I remember sitting in my chair for a long time just looking at the other envelope. Finally I opened it, took out the letter, and read:
Dearest Joey,
I've been sitting here since you called going over this letter again and again in my mind - just as I have been doing for two weeks. I still don't know exactly what to say - but I do know I love you enough to tell you the truth.
I think you already know part of what I'm going to say but you've been so wonderful to not show that you did know. Please try to understand darling that this is because I love you.
You remember that everyone warned us not to get engaged too early? I would not listen then darling but now I'm willing to admit that we did make a mistake I have found that being engaged doesn't mean anything to me if I can't give a definite wedding date - or count days with some of my friends. Honey, I love you very much but I'm not ready to be engaged - and I'm afraid if we don't put it off now - until later - that we may never get married at all.
You see, I'm so immature and so in love with having a good time that I can't make myself stay home - so I've been going out some. For that reason I cannot and will not put my ring back on. Do you understand me Joey? 'Cause if you do, we're on our way to being that much happier later - and if you don't I definitely can't come back to Valpo. That is not a threat because I still don't know for sure if I'll be back anyway. But if I'm there it will be for an education - and I can understand now that when we get married we'll have plenty of time to be together - if we just worry about studying now.
This has been the problem all along honey - that I haven't been able to say where I'm going this fall to school. I finally decided I had to tell you what I've done before I could make up my mind. I would have told you sooner but I worried about your finals. Please try not to hate me for this - only try to understand - I know I've been asking you to do that all summer and this time it's really important.
If I can't bring back my ring, I will send it - or if you want me to go ahead, I'll send it now - I can't wear it. I wish I could sit down with you and tell you how I feel - in a letter I just have to close my eyes and stab. This is not meant to hurt you because I do love you - but I feel like somebody different now than last spring and I hate myself for what I've done.
Joey this has been a hard letter to write - I hope you will accept what I have to say. You may agree or disagree only please understand. There is no follow up for this letter. I'll have to wait for an answer if you have one.
Love, Donna
I felt like a series of bombs were going off in my stomach as I read that letter. I don't think I ever took a harder blow that that letter in my life. She was right, I'd suspected she might have started dating again, but I had prayed very hard that she hadn't. Even with my suspicions I was crushed. I felt---ah shit, I'm done for today.
This has been a hard entry to deal with. Even over the span of years that letter still cuts.
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Oh Joe, that’s the first time in forty-seven years I’ve read that letter. I read it at least ten times after writing it and before mailing it. It still cuts me too. I recall that I didn’t sleep much at all that night, and I kept thinking maybe I could get the letter back out of the mailbox.
Oddly, the next day I felt as if a great weight had been lifted off my head. The letter was in the mail and out of my hands. True, I had no way of knowing how Joe would react, but it was out of my hands.
I can not remember a lot between when I first went out with Allen and when I told Joe about it. I know I had four or five dates with him, counting the time he came to the house with Jeff and Gale. There is one night I do remember fairly well. The four of us went to a drive-in. Jeff drove so Allen and I were in the back seat. Once it got dark and the movie started Jeff and Gale started too. Both Allen and I watched them more than the movie and I could feel myself becoming - - well, excited. In a while I realized that Allen had stopped watching them and was watching me, but I couldn’t stop watching Gale and Jeff and slowly becoming more excited. I knew what was going to happen. It did. Allen leaned down to kiss me and twenty minutes or so later I found myself with his hand under my blouse. I pushed it away and he didn‘t complain, but ten minutes later the hand was back. Again I pushed him away and this time I lit a cigarette and got out of the car to use the rest room. I think I remember wondering if I could walk home, but deciding to go back to the car instead.
The movie ended and Jeff took me home. Allen and I did kiss good night. I couldn’t sleep at all. “What have I done, Oh God, what have I done?” That kept going through my head all night. I had to tell Joe, but what could I tell him? This was nothing like the few days with Vic the summer before. The next day was maybe the worst of the whole summer for me. I tried to tell Mother but she just said not to worry and that everything would work out. When Daddy got home I asked him what I should do and he told me to just wait and see what happened. I wanted to call Joe but they wouldn’t let me because, they said, I was too hysterical. They may have been right about that. I did write to Joe, but couldn’t make myself tell him what was going on. That is likely the letter Joe said was the strangest I ever wrote to him.
I was miserable for the next couple of days and finally Gale told me I had to write to Joe and tell him. She repeated that either Allen was just a summer romance or Joe was history, and she said that Joe would make that decision. That is the night I wrote the letter Joe ended his section with. I don’t remember any phone calls that day.
I can see now that I was rationalizing when I wrote it. Everyone hadn’t told us not to get engaged too soon, Mother had. The line about worrying about Joe’s grades is pure rationalization. I will end this by agreeing with Joe’s last statement. Even today that letter still cuts, and it cuts both ways.
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Even though she’s engaged…Donna is always going on dates for some reason. Her side of the story always clear things up for me. When reading Joey’s he’s always stressting and wondering why this or why that. Then her part comes along and simply states…why should did this or that and how she felt about it.
The story is interested between the lovers and I would like to read more. TI would work on the tone, mood and descriptions. Perhaps speak from ‘feeling’ inside sometimes. I want to know what she feels.
its brilliant, andyour right it doesnt make sense all on its own, but ill deffo go and have a look at the previous chapters. i have something similar that im writing, just dont have the guts to put it on yet.
good luck with the rest of the story ill be lookin out for it
l13dj13
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