Short Story / The Day After

The descriptions are good and this is well-written. The critique I have is that the tense is inconsistent. In terms of publishability, this seems too short to stand alone. It’s more like a vignette. When reading a story, people expect a beginning, middle, and end. Perhaps you could make this longer and base it around that single vision of the guy’s death.

as I soaked up the cool feel of my wooden, bedroom floor --- the transition here is pretty quick, so it sounds like you spent the night laying on your floor, did you? also no need for a comma between ‘wooden’ and ‘bedroom’

my mind has decided --- is decided/made up

shielded room --- shelter? otherwise it sounds like you’re back inside

every, living moment --- no comma

I know you meant this as a short piece but I really think it could do with lengthening as the reader is left wondering who these people are, both the killer and the victim, and what exactly happened that led to the death of one of them. And what is the connection with the grass? It seems at first that this person is seeking shelter, but it is the opposite, why are they seeking out a place to remember when they don’t want to?

your descriptions and pacing are good but this is crying out for development

good luck working on this

“morning. Not that it matters much.” morning, not that it matters much.
“I lay awake all night, thinking. I let my mind wander as I soaked up the cool feel of my wooden, bedroom floor.” maybe a better choice of words would be “I lay awake all night, letting my mind wander as I soak up the cool feel etc.”
“The cool breeze clears my thoughts. Not enough” clears my thoughts, although, not well enough…
There were just some things like that throughout the piece that may need some revision, although, overall, I think it’s a good piece. I like how it makes my mind race toward the end with ideas of what may have happend to the character. Every piece of writing has potential, it just takes some work sometimes.

I really like the language of the piece. You have some really beautiful phrases in here. Just a few things I noticed – you say “I soaked up the cool feel…” “Soaked” is in past tense, yet the rest of the piece is in present tense. I couldn’t tell if that was supposed to be something the narrator had done the night before, since it was mentioned in the previous line, or in the present tense, in which case it’s in the incorrect form. Also, something about the first line bothers me. I think it’s the present tense accompanied with “this morning.” “This morning” feels as though you’re placing a time on it, while the present tense is just in the time, if that makes any sense. I might take out “this morning” and just put “AM” to indicate the time of day. Good job overall!

In this sentence:

“Roses as red at the blooms that appeared on his chest just seconds after the… No!”

I think that the word “at” was meant to actually be “as”, so that the sentence reads: “Roses as red as the blooms”

I love this sentence:

“Tears spring to my eyes, betraying my resistance.”

It’s worded beautifully and is a very strong image, that a person’s resistance can be betrayed by her own eyes.

Keep up the good work, this is very well written and contains a lot of great imagery.

I usually try to avoid the more depressing Urbis post, but I actually liked this mainly because of the details. You made me see red the whole time while reading.