Lyrics / Collapse,Collapse, Collapse.

The first thing I wish to point out is that you have a fine grip on words. You know how to use words and easily set them to a rhythm that works with music. This has a mainstream, radio ready format--and, while I don’t really think that lends to lyrical brilliance, it shows you have a strong ability to accomplish what you set out to do. It is this point I don’t understand-what have you set out to do? Evasiveness is not bad, but the lyrical content here seems to be a mess of disjointed phrases. I note the first verse remind me of the perspective of an abuser--“we both know you won’t leave me… you’ll suffer greatly.” But then the mood shifts to “we were destined for each other.” It leaves me very confused because you don’t seem to have a grip on what exactly you are trying to say. You note “we’ll struggle together” but is the “struggle” and pain caused by the narrator? If so would that be struggling together? Or is the “struggle” related to her lack of ambition to “leave” (a topic the voice seems preoccupied with)?

I think in editing this piece you need to question the use of some description the the situation. Ask yourself the question, “What am I saying?” Then answer that question for the readers/listeners. I am left clueless—and the purpose of this piece seems to be telling a story. The reader here needs even clues as to the point of the story. Consider editing out conflicting details. Also, in editing, consider including some decent description. At the moment, your wording and use of vocabulary feels very generic. Could you consider avoiding cliches like “sunlight and darkness” and maybe strengthen that same concept by describing in a different way (note, the initial concept is fine, but how you phrase it seems typical).

In the end--you have a very flow and smooth use of words--I like that. I just don’t think this piece does justice to your talent. I’d love to actually “hear it” and I think reading it will be much more enjoyable once you have considered some edits like the ones I have suggested. Good editing!

simple. I have heard ones like this before. needs more fire more passion. write the best song ever or aspire to. do it for the love not the money

It’s really hard to judge lyrics without accompanying music. However, instead of having verse 2 and verse 3 be the same, I would like to see the lyrics go more in depth in describing the situation. Then again, these lyrics would probably work out in a song because there have been top 40’s hits with much worse lyrics.