Lyrics / Terms of Agreement.

This empire of gold, taxes on your soul.

This is the most interesting line. The one that captured me the most. It’s very strong in depth.

The rest of your lyrics, it’s a bit hard because the rhyming is loose and without a very good structure but unless I heard it sung I wouldn’t know if it could work or not. I’m just letting you know then to be careful of that.

In saying that I can’t really critique your gramer and such knowing that this is meant to be heard not read.

The thing is that I like the overall message of your poem. The depth to it is powerful but I feel like you could present this in a much stronger way. With possible better vocabulary and less cliche imagery such as your last line like lying with death. It seems a bit overused to me. The land of the living is a bit boring and plain. I think you could go far with your overall message but I think that expanding on even just the vocabulary could do so much more.

For example:
Many ways they live their lives,

This is plain and boring.
The stanza is worded a little above average but still feels like it hasn’t reached it’s entire potential. Maybe you could expand on how people chose to live their lives by the complex thought and enviornment that they posses. This is much deeper than just saying everyone lives a different life. You have a lot of lines like that in here.

Now see if you are going for an attitude like apathy because in the end we’re all dead then expand on that. Make us feel that apathy.

Or if you are trying to explain how we need to seize the day and take advantage of every second that give us that feeling too.

However if you are just saying that someday we are going to die, we already know. You need to make us feel some kind of fear or rejoice that this death might one day come. Or maybe feel nothing towards it and only know it but feel something for the life that it follows. You know?

Also some of the lines like the one I just gave you seems to be like placed in there just to be a break in between rhymes like it has no real purpose other than that.

Overall though I think you have amazing talent. I think that this piece has a good message to it.

Thanks.

There were parts of it that were strong, but it was very inconsistant. Also, it’s unfocused as to what the song is actually about. There were also some grammatical errors. This song has potential, but it needs heavy revision.

This is very well done. Wonderful flow and rhythm and a deep, sad meaning.
Apart from the word “conscieness” which isn’t actually a word.
What did you mean to say here?
Consciousness? Or conciseness or maybe even consciences?

hi there,
well it’s not badly written but very negative, (no matter what one does in following his dreams, you will still end up laying with me) i do like thew v/c/v/c structure which is popular and very successful one.though you speak of “terms of agreement”..in you song,,,you do not mention the title at all throughout which i think is important..you want people to know what it is they want to buy..you just can’t assume they’ll figure it out…to make it better i think if you add more rhymes in the verses as well as the chorus you’ll see it’ll be more singable, catchy, and memorable..as the words will flow much better..ok, i yapped enough..hope i helped more than i hurt..jim