Thank you for the review, it was really helpful! There’s stuff i don’t explain properly and sort of ignore because I’m seeing it in my mind but i don’t quite get it all down because the picture becomes attatched to the words and i’m too excited about it to think ‘wait, in real life this would….’ but i’m rambling so thank you in short :)
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Short Story / Tides - Prologue
We don’t really have a name, my people. We don’t really have a home either. We just are and always have been. Nowhere and everywhere. There is one way to identify us, however. A symbol, simple and easy to understand that is only known to those who know who We are. You take your left hand and touch your index finger to the middle of your forehead, then make a crescent shape on the left side of your face, ending at the middle of your chin.
We are basically human beings but with something of a feral link to the Moon.
Just like my mum, grandparents and all my ancestors on my mum’s side, I feel shifts and imbalances in the tides and the clouds so I can tell when tsunamis are happening. I get these awful chest pains during storms too, as if my chest is crashing like waves.
We are not the only ones connected to the Moon however, although we are said to be favourites –this is debated by others, one group in particular. There are things humans don’t know of that we are taught about from youth. People we are brought up with all our lives, the Hidden People.
The Moon – known to us as Moonmother along with Earthsister and Sunbrother - controls the tides. Because of this She connects with the Merpeople. They don’t dislike humans as such, but there is a definite jealousy because they are in hiding whereas humans are known both on land and in the sea and can move in both. It’s definitely unfair, but some Merpeople get to experience both worlds, which you will see in this story.
The Mer are a curious people, but very proud and regard themselves as the favourites’ of Moonmother. At their best they are generous, respectful and infinitely wise as Moonmother blesses them with her wisdom. At their worst, however, they are jealous, warlike, proud, power hungry, hostile and defensive, especially when they are referred to as Sirens.
This is the name of the sorceresses, a part of their people that steal Sunbrother’s powers from the faeries. They are shunned, but never destroyed as they fear the extent of the maids’ –they are always female- powers. It is obvious which of the Mer Sirens are, as their tails are bright gold from over exposure to the magic of Sunbrother.
Merpeople are incredibly intelligent people and all speak a variety of languages. Primarily Merspeak –Latin to those above the sea—, Italian, French and English and they have a great love of music.
The sons and daughters of Moonmother are much closer to Us. These are Our friends, protectors, brothers and sisters, the Werewolves -or Lycanthropes, as the more pernickety ones like to be called. It’s only a ‘curse’, as stories say, to those who are bitten by malicious werewolves or misguided ones who want a loved one to share in…all parts of their life. The pain of turning usually drives them insane so, unlike real werewolves, they are unhappy people and have no self control.
Werewolves, in conflict to most stories, are a shy, loving, kind, gentle and extremely generous people. They are firm believers in good hospitality, so if you stumble across the house of a werewolf without malicious intent, expect to be cared for, fed well and treated like a member of the family. They aren’t shape shifters, let me make that clear. They have both a wolf and human soul. The human soul dominates and the wolf must be released at the full moon, when Moonmother is at full power so she can control their behaviour. However, some of their wolf instincts and physical characteristics remain such as heightened senses, the ability to understand other wolves, an inexplicable dislike of cats, sharp features, slightly sharp teeth and lots of hair. There are werewolves that have a dominant wolf soul and do not need the moon in order to change into their human form, but they are much rarer creatures and, due to years of prejudice, a slightly feared race.
They show a great love and solidarity with the other Hidden People and tend to steer clear of humans for fear of envying them like the Merpeople. One of their main teachings is that envy is a weakness that is the easiest to play on, so don’t broadcast it.
Finally, Faeries are more like our cousins than our brothers and sisters. They are primarily obedient to Sunbrother – who they call Sunfather – and obtain their magic from him. They absorb it passively, almost like plants use sunlight which is why faeries are so protective of and closely associated with plants.
They are, fully grown, taller than the average man’s hand and have thin but strong wings that move like that of a hummingbird. They are born with mastery in camouflage and hiding, so people only see faeries if they want to be seen. Saying that you don’t believe in faeries does not kill them instantly, but can harm the amount of magic they have and can be potentially fatal. When Sunbrother is unable to provide them with magic, for example in winter, they survive on the magic generated by the minds of those around them and the more open these minds are the easier it is for them to survive. This is why all the stories about ‘mystical creatures’, as humans choose to call them, are called ‘Fairytales’. Faeries visit chosen storytellers and do them favours in exchange for writing ‘Fairytales’ (which is misspelled on purpose because it’s…odd how many humans see the word ‘faery’ and can’t pronounce it).
Faeries are mischievous, playful and fickle but good fighters and bond well with other Hidden People. They are incredibly jealous of the openness of humans which links them closely with the Merpeople; however this link was strained due to the Sirens stealing magic, especially at the time during this story.
We are always told not to distance ourselves from humans too much because it creates resentment. We are alike in every way except We live longer, understand Moonmother and know more about Earthsister. We’re just more aware than human beings. For example I remember everything from birth to this very instance and If I wanted to I could memorize my entre syllabus for school and pass all my exams with flying colours, but I’m not allowed to do that or people will get suspicious. I can take things in and observe things because my mind is more attuned to the world around me but that’s it. Well that, and having a One.
This story following takes place when I’m about to find my One, which I will explain, and the trouble that this causes for she and I.
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carstenb reviewed Version 2 -
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lightningeyes reviewed Version 2 -
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CiannaSkye reviewed Version 2 -
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Utah_Jackson reviewed Version 2 -
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I see that you are under 18. I will say this, the first four paragraphs are some of the best writing I have seen on this site, no matter the age. I give two big thumbs up for the work represented in those paragraphs. And I could care less about this type of fiction. Yet you had my attention with some spectacular writing, so kudos.
Now for some constructive thoughts.
The initial fight scene between Sancha and Dorvan just does not support the writing shown in the first four paragraphs. It’s almost as if two different authors wrote the opening and the fight sections.
Now, I must admit that writing a surreal fight scene between imaginary figures, one of which features a myriad of magical powers, is not easy. But we can control how and what the characters say and when they say it.
There is a lot of dialogue in the fight scene. This genre make require that so I will presume it to be a function of reader expectation. With that said, here is the main problem with the characters’ dialgoue; they sound like they just broke out of a Saturday morning cartoon and landed back in time 3000 years.
I mean, all around is this vast amount of recent carnage and they come off as flippant, detached and unaware. Yet, in the first four paragraphs you do an incredible job of showing the reader the horrible effects of the battle and the despair of Sancha as she struggles with the same fate, over and over.
So, I think the first key is to slow down and/or tone down your fight scene, especially the dialogue. I know that sounds weird, but put aside the excitement and action of the characters and think about how you can make them more interesting. The last thing you want is for your characters to be stereotypical.
I know that Dorvan is the bad guy, but might there not be one thing decent about him, so that during the fight we may pull for him a little? Writers need to build some conflict in their readers because that drives them crazy. They know they are supposed to hate Dorvan and love everything about Sancha, but they can’t stop being conflicted because you made Dorvan just sympathetic enough to be an emotional nuisance. Any emotional reaction by your reader is of great benefit.
A rewrite might look something like this.
“Sancha Terrin, the moon-mage,” a voice called from above. Dorvan Finn jumped down to the ledge Sancha stood on, causing her to spin around. She nearly fell backwards to the carnage below. “Careful love!” Dorvan instinctively reached out and wrapped his massive fingers around her left arm, steadying her balance. Sancha shot her right hand into his chest with great force, sending him back enough to sling her arm free from his duplicitous grip.
Their eyes caught. They inhaled the scent of the other, a small bit of reality to assure that this was not a dream. “You can’t be surprised to see me love. In fact, I know you’ve been looking for me,” Dorvan said. He set his hands on his hips and showed her a look of radiant conceit and physical power.
“Where are your men, those elite warriors of Dorvan Finn?” Sancha asked with disrespect. Dorvan’s smile left his face. Sancha continued.
“I saw some of them earlier today- Carvicus, Baednon and Ghuere.” Sancha paused to allow the faces of Dorvan’s famous captains to ghost before his eyes. “Take heart Darvon. They only thing they desire now is for you to join them.”
“Your concern should be for yourself, Mage,” Dorvan seethed. A small vein emerged from his left temple and the immense muscles of his neck rippled as he bared his teeth.
“Me?,” Sancha asked with sarcasm. “What of the four others who have my powers- and more? For a long while you have dispatched many to overcome them, and you prevailed not. Now, you come for me- alone. Is it because I am a girl?”. Dorvan looked for a long moment at her. He narrowed his eyes and spoke in a solemn tone.
“I know you fear me, Sancha. And you should, because your life is mine to take. You know this is true. It has been seen.”
From here you can start your action sequence. The physical confrontation now has immense meaning. Look at we have learned from the dialogue above.
Here a list of improvements:
1. Dorvan is made a little sympathetic in that he attempted to save Sancha’s life even before trying to kill her. This kind of technique gives your characters believable conflicts just like we have conflicts in our character whereby our actions don’t always match what we believe. His impulse to rescue a falling damsel is noble if only because it shows him to be human.
2. We let the characters tell us things through their interaction. You do the same thing in the original but not quite the same. For example, you wrote,
“Five of you, if I am not mistaken,” the Captain said thoughtfully. “A rare group of your People with amazing powers, with one Captain stationed in the area of every one. Every single Captain has failed in capturing or killing one of you protectors—”, Sancha interrrupts and the Captain continues, ““…but I shall not fail. I am nothing like those weaklings, I am the best human fighter there is and I will take you down,” the Captain boomed. “After which all of your flea-bitten dogs, fish people, tree-people and all of you Moon Monsters will know your damn place!”
Indeed Dorvan is telling us things via dialogue but it sounds like he is reading from a book about his life. In the rewrite I let Sancha use all of this information against him in a sarcastic way. She then further taunts him because he has come alone for her. She then paints him a sexist because of this. This is characterization and dialogue working together.
3. Sancha directly call out his dead captains by name. This heightens the sense familiarity between Darvon and Sancha. This is truly personal between them. And now, Sancha is rubbing the memory of his dead friends in his face. What does that say about Sancha? It also lets the reader imagine these men because they are named. Imagery, characterization and dialogue are cornerstones of good writing.
4. In the rewrite I let Dorvan tell Sancha that she fears him. In the original you wrote “In all honesty, Dorvan terrified Sancha.” But why does she fear him? After all, she has magical powers and it has already been shown that her and her people are indomitable. Dorvan tells us why she fears him, “I know you fear me, Sancha. And you should, because your life is mine to take. You know this is true. It has been seen.” Now, it makes sense why she fears him. It shows that she is vulnerable as well as Dorvan, heightening the physical confrontation and its outcome.
You have a lot of natural ability. Very, very good writing. Just work on your craft, particularly dialogue. Be just as creative with it as you are with your descriptions.
Good Luck.
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Jacklin reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, it’s good. I like your style of writing and the story was very interesting. However, there are a number of ways in which I think you can improve. Many of your sentences are too long, which makes the story confusing and difficult to read. If you don’t treat a long sentence in the right way it can end up sounding weak. For example, I found your opening sentence long and confusing. Instead of saying,
“Sancha Terrin stood, back to the wind and brushing the black hair from her thoughtful blue eyes as she stared down at the carnage marking another battle to defend the Asylum Occultus and the freedom of the Hidden People.”
you could say something like,
“Sancha Terrin stood with her back to the wind and brushed a strand of hair from her thoughtful blue eyes. She stared down at the carnage below. Here lay the remnants of yet another battle for the rights of the Asylum Occultus and the freedom of the Hidden People.”
By splitting one long sentence up into more, shorter sentences, the paragraph sounds better and is easier to read. Try to keep a good balance between long and short sentences. If there are too many ‘and’s in a sentence, split it into shorter sentences.
Also you seem to have contradicted yourself. You say in the beginning that Sancha is standing with her back to the wind, but if Dorvan jumps down from a higher ledge, then the ledge must be behind her, so how is the wind at her back? I may have missed something here, but it seems contradictory to me.
Another thing is that Dorvan is killed by an arrow from behind while pinning Sancha to the cliff face. In order to do this, he must be in front of her. So if the arrow went right through him why did it not hit Sancha, or at least hit the cliff, which she should have noticed? Maybe you should have the arrow remaining in his body to be more realistic.
Something that seemed strange to me was that Dorvan announced himself as he was leaping down behind Sancha. If he wanted to kill her, why didn’t he just remain silent and kill her outright? That’s just my thinking though, it could be in his character to do that. However, just as a suggestion; you could have Dorvan jumping down and taking a swing at her with whatever weapon he has (you don’t mention what it is), which she dodges at the last moment. Then their conversation can begin.
Also, it would have been a very difficult angle for Koru to shoot Dorvan and surely it would have taken him longer to climb up? Unless of course he has magical powers too. I also think it sounds a little unimaginative to say,
“Koru walked behind her to tie it around her neck again and while he was doing that, Sancha started contemplating her lover’s arrival.”
I would suggest you replaced it with something more sensory (as this is presumably their first meeting in a long while), such as,
“Koru turned her in his arms to tie it around her neck again. Sancha smiled at the gentle touch of her lover’s fingers on her neck and in her hair as she contemplated his arrival.”
Apart from the things mentioned above, I really think your story is very good. I love your style of writing, it’s captivating and descriptive in an unusual and interesting way. If you tighten the sentences up and think all the actions through, I would not be surprised to find this in a book shop.
Hope this helped (I don’t mean to be harsh, just honest, sorry if it sounded mean!). Well done, and good luck with your writing! :):)
groovieknave reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t like the beginning, it starts with history and makes sense for a fantasy story but… it was easy to stop reading it. I’d much rather see this played out in some form of action or event to learn about it as the story goes. Because now you’ve got to explain all this stuff and then you create the story. It would be better (in my opinion), if you had something else going on besides the history/background at the start.
The faeries thing sounded a little too ridiculous for my liking… and the werewolves bit was a little disappointing… I understand the whole put a different spin on things, but you could have just easily created some different type of race and gave them similar names.
I didn’t like that you mentioned it’s a story within the story. That pulls us out of the whole thing and makes us realize we’re reading. I’d recommend just cutting it out. But that’s just me, fantasy is a rough thing to write. It seems like there is some code in fantasy where you have to name all this stuff with obscure names, and then explain them. Half the time people don’t explain them but here you are giving a history and I don’t like it, cause it’s just history and nothing else.
You’ve also decided to change the way we think of werewolves and faeries, which I didn’t like much… I’d say a different race, but again it’s just an opinion.
As for the grammar and such I will only mention that in this line -- ” I could memorize my entre syllabus for school and…” -- entre should be entire I’m thinking.
You have talent for writing and creative, I’d rather see this with something else going on to make it more interesting. Give us the details as the story goes, give us a reason to get to know your world that you’re working on.
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