yeah, I know what you mean about the young adult, this should be considered middle-grade fiction, but I still think its closer to YA then I do to Dr. Suess
Young Adult / The North Pole Challenge Chapter 2: Snowball Massacre
CHAPTER TWO
Snowball Massacre
Once the bell rang to end the day, hundreds of kids poured out of school and into the world of whiteness. It was snowing yet again and Flea could plainly see that his fellow classmates despised the cold weather. Many were completely bundled up in snow boots, gloves, mittens, wool hats, scarves and any other article of clothing made to protect from the winter weather. Flea had heard that this weather was quite rare for North Carolina. According to his teachers, this area usually received only an inch or two of snow all winter. But that amount of snow had covered the ground during just this school day alone. The snow had started falling ever since the end of September and had only gotten worse over the last few months.
Flea looked around and noticed that steam came out of everyone’s mouth but he wasn’t nearly as bothered by the cold air. He wore only a winter coat as protection against the weather, although he didn’t feel like he needed it. Maybe it was because he lived farther north his whole life – where this weather was normal for the middle of December – that he seemed numb to the cold. In fact, Flea couldn’t ever remember feeling cold the way the other students did. He watched as they rushed to pile into the school busses parked just outside. Because Flea’s apartment complex was only a few blocks away, no bus transportation was available to him.
I guess it’s a good thing this weather doesn’t bother me then, he thought. A few other students that lived in the same apartment complex ran all the way home to avoid the harsh weather but Flea took his time walking. He enjoyed being outside and wished he could be out more often. As he crossed the faculty parking lot, he suddenly heard a loud honking and saw a brand-new pickup truck driving by. The driver waved and it took Flea a moment to recognize the familiar red hard-hat worn by Mr. Strick, who used to drive a smaller truck that was much older and dilapidated. Flea waved back just as a gust of wind blew off a tarp that had been covering the back of the truck. He waved for his shop teacher to stop but either Strick didn’t see him or didn’t care about the truck cover. Regardless, Flea had a view of the truck’s contents as it drove away: birdhouses, dozens of them. At the very rear of the truck’s cab were the three he had just built today and Flea was certain that the rest were all of his past ‘projects.’ It suddenly dawned on him what Mr. Strick was doing with all of the birdhouses he’d built over the last few months, as the brand-new truck was evidence of Strick’s recent salary increase.
Flea angrily picked up a snowball, ready to hurl it at his teacher’s truck, but Mr. Strick had already disappeared around the corner.
No wonder the shop budget has gotten so high this year.
Flea had little time to think about that, though. He turned down the next street and immediately noticed two freshly built snow forts, one on each side of the road. Just beyond one of those forts was a snowman and as Flea got closer, he could have sworn that the snowman’s green eyes followed his every movement. He was just as confused about why the snowman’s eyes would be green as he was about how a snowman’s eyes could move. But before he could figure it out, another sudden movement caught his attention.
“I told you that you wouldn’t be as lucky the next time we saw you.”
Big, burly Rob stood up from behind one of the forts while Cory stepped around from the other. Joining them was both dodgeball captains as well as several other boys from gym class, nearly a dozen in all. They all lined up in the street blocking Flea’s path and they all held snowballs.
“Now!” Rob yelled and Flea watched as every boy prepared to throw.
Flea had to put up with a lot of grief over the years but he tried to stay as good-natured as possible. But being ambushed by so many bullies made him angrier than ever before. He put his hands up and his head down and braced for the impact of a dozen snowballs whizzing toward him.
Not a single snowball hit him, though.
At first, Flea wondered if the bullies simply had bad aim; after all, they weren’t used to the snow and maybe didn’t know how to roll a proper snowball. But Flea heard two sounds that made him realize that there was more to the story than just poor accuracy. First was the splash of falling water, which now pooled around his feet. The second was a surprised – and simultaneous – intake of breath from every boy standing in front of him. Flea wasn’t exactly sure what had happened but he recognized the look of fear on the faces of several boys. Still, not all of them were frightened.
“You won’t get lucky three times in one day,” Rob called out. He and Cory quickly grabbed another handful of snow.
When they threw the snowballs this time, Flea’s curiosity outweighed his fear. He kept his hands raised but did not look away, even as the snow zoomed directly toward his face. Just inches before hitting him, both snowballs instantly turned to water and splashed harmlessly to the ground. Several kids turned and ran away but Rob and Cory and a few others began to slowly approach Flea. Some yelled that he was a ‘freak’ while others were ready to pummel him with fists since snowballs hadn’t gotten the job done.
Flea was just as surprised as the others and considered turning to run away. But he knew the bullies would easily catch him so he did the only other thing that he could think. Flea bent over and picked up his own handful of snow, which instantly formed a perfect round shape in his hand.
Rob and the others nearly doubled over in amusement.
“Is that actually supposed to scare us?” Rob asked between fits of laughter. “We’ve seen you play dodgeball, you throw like a girl.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Cory added. “He throws worse than a girl.”
Flea knew that their insults weren’t far from the truth but he refused to give in without fighting. He took aim at Rob’s big laughing face and hurled the snowball with as much power as his tiny body could muster. The fact that the snowball hit Rob directly in the center of his chest would have been amazing enough, but the bully was also thrown ten feet backward. Rob grunted loudly just as he crashed through the first of the two forts. Everyone – including Flea – stared in shock, but Cory quickly recovered and charged at Flea. Without thinking, Flea scooped another handful of snow and launched this one at the other bully. Cory was also struck right in the chest and soared backward into the other snow fort. Neither bully could collect the energy to do anything but lay on the ground and squirm while their so-called ‘friends’ all turned and ran away.
At first, Flea stood there and stared in shock at what he’d done. But now that he had the group of bullies on the defensive for once, he could not just let the rest of them escape totally unpunished. He quickly grabbed another snowball and launched it halfway down the street. It struck the nearest fleeing bully directly on the rear-end and sent him headfirst into a nearby pile of snow. Flea grabbed even more snow and began his chase, launching the snowy projectiles at the worst offenders while letting a few of the more innocent kids go unscathed. For once Flea actually had fun playing with other kids – despite the fact that they seemed fearful for their lives.
By the time he reached his apartment complex, Flea had a smile from ear to ear. There was little doubt that the bullies would regroup and come after him one day – probably tomorrow, Flea thought – but he was going to enjoy his victory today. Unfortunately, Flea’s feeling of happiness was quickly replaced with increasing weakness as he approached his apartment. His feet began to feel like they were encased in cement and the light feeling of giddiness he’d had just moments earlier turned into light-headedness. Flea didn’t know what was wrong with him nor did he have much time to figure it out before collapsing to the snowy ground mere feet from his front door…
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slbynum3 reviewed Version 1 -
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JayCee reviewed Version 1 -
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I did not read the first chapter yet since this entered my que and I wanted to review it. I thought it was very interesting and the characters were simply charming. They hearkened back to “The Christmas Story” and I think so many children (and adults alike) can relate to the characters in that story. But the twist of magic made your story full of hope for a faulted hero. I have a young son and I know he would think that this was a lovely story and he would certainly be cheering for Flea in this chapter. I gave it a 10 for young adult because I see what my teens like and they would think that this was a cool story.
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deathspeaker reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad, probably better than your first chapter. There are some things that you may want to consider changing to help make it more dynamic.
First off, get out of Flea’s head. I wanted more dialogue and less 1-liners from the villains. Let Flea speak instead of “realizing” or “wondering” everything.
Reduce the amount of times you use the word “But” and NEVER start a sentence with it.
“It suddenly dawned on him what Mr. Strick was doing with all of the birdhouses he’d built over the last few months” -what’s that? Also why would he be mad at the new truck if it was due to a salary increase? That section as a whole doesn’t make sense as it is written.
There was little suspense between the bullies showing up on the scene, and the snowballs being thrown. Draw it out more. Give us more suspense, build up the tension more.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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“I guess it’s a good thing this weather doesn’t bother me then” drop the “then”, you haven’t set up a situation where it’s called for
I still have trouble seeing this story as “Young Adult”. This has the feeling of appealing to a much younger age group. It’s too bad there is no in between category. Young adult fiction usually has a more mature tone than this.
Your character, “Flea” seems to be someone that would appeal to a child; likewise the incidents that he is put in.
The writing is done well, the story flows smoothly. No spelling error, and the only grammatical error I found was the “then” in the beginning of the story.
Emalie reviewed Version 1 -
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Flea looked around and noticed that steam came out of everyone’s mouth but he wasn’t nearly as bothered by the cold air.
I do not know about this sentence, mainly because seeing one’s breath is not really a complete showcase of disliking the cold, but a reaction when our breath hits the cold air. Perhaps if you mention their breath, but also that they are shivering?
Other than that… I once again thought it was really good :)
We can definitly tell woodworking and snow is his element.
I think that this is very inventive and will be adored by many children and teens. Perhaps even adults will catch on!
Can’t wait to see more.
hansvonlieven reviewed Version 1 -
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This is quite good writing. The story is coherent and flows well.
Perhaps you should consider re-naming your central figure. It is appropriate for his enemies to call him Flea, but I would call him something else. I mean, the boy does have a name, his parents did not name him Flea. This gives you a choice further on in the story which you can use to your advantage. Perhaps use flea when some kids address him but use his name elsewhere. You also need to vary things bit when talking about him. For instance:
............................................................
The driver waved and it took Flea a moment to recognize the familiar red hard-hat worn by Mr. Strick, who used to drive a smaller truck that was much older and dilapidated. Flea waved back just as a gust of wind blew off a tarp that had been covering the back of the truck. He waved for his shop teacher to stop but either Strick didn’t see him or didn’t care about the truck cover. Regardless, Flea had a view of the truck’s contents as it drove away: birdhouses, dozens of them. At the very rear of the truck’s cab were the three he had just built today and Flea was certain that the rest were all of his past ‘projects.’ It suddenly dawned on him what Mr. Strick was doing with all of the birdhouses he’d built over the last few months, as the brand-new truck was evidence of Strick’s recent salary increase.
Flea angrily picked up a snowball, ready to hurl it at his teacher’s truck, but Mr. Strick had already disappeared around the corner.
...............................................................
In this passage you refer to him as Flea in nearly every sentence. You need to vary this, as it stands it is too repetitive.
Use alternatives like: he, the boy, our hero, the kid, things of this nature to break up the monotony.
Altogether this is a very good effort. Good scenario, good action.
Hans von Lieven
DecoyarBrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Good piece. I would recommend to people i know. I love the way you tell you story because i could see it the way you painted it. For example when Flea was about to throw the snow ball at the van, you declared that he didn’t get a chance to becuase the van went around the corner.
Also, i like Flea’s ability. Not sure if he used heat to melt the snow ball into water or magic but overall i liked the way you went with it.
Ol_Uncle_Pedro reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this. It didn’t go at all where I thought it was going to. Bullies. Water manipulation powers. Unknoweldgable misuse and handling of sed powers. I think this would make a wonderful story for young adults who are looking for a fantasy.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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The snow had started falling ever since the end of September and had only gotten worse over the last few months.
“Gotten worse” is too general description. You could say the conditions had gotten worse and then describe what the conditions were like. Also you don’t mean it steadily snowed for the last few months do you? You could say it had snowed steadily for a week but not months.
but he wasn’t nearly as bothered by the cold air. ...As apposed to who. Who was bothered by the cold air more than Flea? Name who.
You need to mention that Mr. Strick is the shop teacher right away. You could say ….. familiar red hard-hat worn by Mr. Strick, his shop teacher. Here would be the place to introduce him. Also, explan more about how Mr Strick had been using up the schools wood to build birdhouses that he sold and made an illegal profit off of. I think you need to go into more detail about this and why it made Flea so mad.
What made the snowman’s eyes green? What was used to make them? Tell the reader. Was it marbles?
recognized the look of fear on the faces of several boys. Still, not all of them were frightened….This is a bit of a contradiction. If they weren’t scared where did the fear in their eyes come from? Explain or redo the sentence and take out the contradiction.
the snow zoomed directly toward his face….Was the snow a snowball? You might change this.
which instantly formed a perfect round shape in his hand…This could be said better. A snowball must be formed by the hand. It cannot instantly turn into a ball. Say the hands shaped the snow into a ball.
He quickly grabbed another snowball…He quickly formed another snowball and…Make sure you add that his hans formed it.
Very visual but you might tell us jsut a little more about Flea’S home life. How many brothers and sisters does he have? What does he want to be? The reader needs to know the characers better so they can care about them—or even dislike them. I have suggested other things i hope might be helpful. Sandi
RavenJake reviewed Version 1 -
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I like where this plot is going. It’s got a believable fairytale element that works. This scene felt passive and a few times I questioned the choice of verbs as I really wanted a great selection that would tell this story in a powerful way.
I took a pretty critical approach as it’s already clear that you are capable of writing great scenes. So, don’t take offense if I’m on your case about anything:
(Once the bell rang to end the day, hundreds of kids poured out of school)
You can cut “to end the day” because kids are pouring out of school and the reader will know what kind of bell it is.
(Flea looked around…by the cold air)
This sentence is not connecting relevant ideas to one another. Bothered by the cold and steam from breath are unrelated.
(protection against the weather)
Cut against the weather, the reader already knows what you’re talking about.
(where this weather was normal for the middle of December)
This part of the sentence doesn’t work. It feels contrary to his origins that are being established, while giving limitation to the cold of that different location.
The second paragraph has a passive feel to it and nothing is really happening. There has to be a way to move the plot forward while Flea is subjected to the familiar idea that he is different.
(As he … driving by.)
Cut “as” and the second “he” from this sentence.
(who used…and dilapidated)
This info drags the sentence on and should perhaps be its own independent thought.
(Flea waved … truck.)
There is too much passive here. Cut “back just” as it has no function. And “had been” should be “was.”
(has gotten so high)
Increased, grown, fattened. Anything to replace “has gotten so high.”
(as Flea got closer)
Got is a weak verb you should limit and replace with descriptive action.
(and Flea watched as every boy)
This is adding unnecessary perspective from Flea. It would magnify the power of the scene to throw in another sensory feeling he has. ”And Flea’s stomach sank as every boy prepared to throw” which is an awful example, but you understand the point.
I like that the elf has super-snowball throwing powers. Makes you wonder.
(increasing weakness as)
It’s not “increasing” as the weakness has yet to be established. Growing or something to that effect would work.
(collapsing)
He collapsed.
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