Young Adult / Confusion

Let it just be known how tired I am of dreaming. I have done very well lately by not thinking of certain people and trying to get on with life as a normal human. I read a ton of helpful journals to try to make myself more prepared, and to have a better understanding of what is happening and what will be happening to me.

But for some reason as usual my brain, heart and body are not all in it together. Last night my dream was simple, but had a huge impact on me. I was with Ryan watching a spectacular meteor shower and having fun. For some reason we were at Crystals house instead of my backyard like we had planned to be. My cell phone kept ringing and it was a number I did not recognize and they never left a message so I didn’t answer it. Anyone who knows me knows to leave a message if I don’t answer and I will eventually call back. So I figured it was a wrong number and went on about my business. Finally I got tired so we decided to go home. He dropped me off and I noticed a strange car in the driveway. I said goodnight to Ryan, and hurriedly walked into the house to see who the person was in the car. As I walked up the driveway toward the front door I passed the car, not looking into it, I was more anxious to see who was inside the house rather than what was in the car.

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I heard the car door shut behind me and I got a sudden chill.

“Why don’t you answer your phone anymore? Boyfriend won’t let you?”

I heard his voice behind me. It was low but cut right through me. I turned around so slowly just to catch a glimpse of his perfect face and beautiful eyes. Then I woke up.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just stop thinking about Shannon? Even when I am not thinking of him, I am still thinking of him because I am making myself think of something else to try to block him out.

I look at Ryan and all I want to do is to call Shannon and beg him to come back.

It seems as if all of my energy goes into trying to block him from my thoughts.

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that I have a need to find out what his effect really is on me, and why.

Oh well tonight is supposed to be a beautiful night and I am going to have fun damn it! No thoughts are going to keep me away from this. This only happens once a year and this year is supposed to be special. It is supposed to be more active than most years.

As I am just getting through the day doing normal house chores, laundry, making my bed, dishes, cleaning

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my bathroom, all the things I hate to do but need to be done, the phone rings and my heart fell out of my chest. Had I not just been recalling my dream over in my head it would not have startled me. As I noticed it was playing apple bottom jeans, this was Crystal’s ringtone and only hers. I had a different tone for each person I knew.

“Hello”

I struggled to say without sounding like I had just freaked out. I guess I was convincing because she didn’t ask what my problem was.

“Hey girl, bout time your amongst the living again. Ryan called me to tell me that you were going to watch the meteor shower with him tonight and I suggested that you two come over here. We just put in a new hot tub, deck, and pool, it looks awesome. “

Her house? Seriously? If I do go will I find Shannon at my house when I return? I know that is silly, he is in another state. I do need to figure out the meaning behind this dream but I know it’s not what I want it to be.

“I had no clue your parents were doing that, it sounds cool, why not. Don’t think I will be getting in the hot tub but sure.” As I said it, I couldn’t help but have the thought in the back of my mind that maybe I had said yes so easily for the wrong reasons.

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“Oh, come on, your coming back to life, live a little. Just bring a spare pair of shorts, hell your cute white board shorts with the pretty Hawaiian pink flowers will work, wear a t-shirt; you black one that has the pink glittery butterfly on it.

That way you don’t look like you trying to be sexy or lead him on, you just look comfy, and sensible. You will kick yourself if you don’t.”

It was odd that she said I was coming to life when ironically enough I am just running to my death.

“Ok I will bring it over and we will see how it goes. I have a lot to do here today and if he is going to be here at 7:00 to pick me up I have a lot to do before then. See ya later”

“Bye Erin, you better not stand us up!”

Why would she think I wouldn’t show? She would never have said that too me before. It’s funny how already things have changed so much. It hasn’t been that long and I still have a while till my change but already my life will never be the same. I need to start working hard at this now to keep a bridge between what will be my two lives. No one will know when I change unless I tell them; I just hope that I can figure out how to be a good fledgling and not one of those blood thirsty ones that most vampires go through. I was once told by a friend that it was all a matter of mind of matter, if you don’t mind, it don’t matter. Well for this I do mind so it does matter, but still he was on

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to something. The brain in the strongest tool I have here and I plan on putting it to good use. I will make this work and be able to keep both lives. I know I want to keep this one, after all I have been working on it for awhile now, and I seem to have no choice about the other life I am going to be faced with.

The day seemed to drag so slowly. I can hear the ticking of every second, that’s pretty bad considering we have all digital clocks here.

All my laundry was washed, dried, folded, and hung up. My bed was made, I even made Rebecca’s, and I cleaned my bathroom so well that I even washed the floor on my hands and knees. I gave the dog a bath, and I took my shower. I still have about an hour until I need to start getting ready for tonight. Well I guess I will waste some time by going through some of the text messages that I missed. Normal, hey I miss you, call me, from Crystal. I got some from Ryan. Nothing big just I hope your ok, give me a call. Almost everyone I know sent me something, I missed a couple party invites, Oh no I missed some birthdays too. I will have to remember to send them all a card and I am sorry I was in a mental state letter explaining why I missed their birthdays. I had one number that I had no clue who it was. All it said was call me please. This must have been a wrong number.

When I first got this phone I would get calls all the time for a Kristen. I am guessing that’s what this was for. I

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haven’t gotten any of her calls lately but it was about time I got another one.

Well now that I did that it took up enough time, I don’t have time to go through the missed calls or voice mails yet. So to get ready tonight won’t be hard. A simple pair of blue jeans, and a V neck shirt. The blue one that is silk. This should be comfy. I will take my outfit for the hot tub just in case, but I am still not sure about it.

Just as I finished putting on my cherry glaze lip gloss I heard his truck pull up. I gave Rebecca a hug and kiss good bye, she looks so worried all the time now. I wish she would stop worrying.

As I walk out the front door I noticed he looked surprised.

“What’s wrong?”

O hell did I forget to put on half my make up? Is my hair crazy?

“I just didn’t expect you to meet me out here. I just pulled up and I was going to come to the door to get you.” “I was just ready and in the living room when I heard your truck. It was quiet, made it easier to hear you.”

I had to think that up really quickly after thinking about it and he was right, that was quick. I hadn’t realized how quick I got there. That’s why Rebecca

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looked worried. I hadn’t noticed and she knew it was careless of me, but before she could say anything I was gone. I do need to start paying attention to that. It looks like even though I am not changing yet some things are starting to get fine tuned on their own.

“Well are you ready Ryan?” “Now that I have you by my side I am most certainly ready.”

During the ride I couldn’t shake this odd feeling I kept having. It was odd, I felt like I as missing something, not like keys, or my phone, both of which was in my back pockets. But I was missing something inside. There was a hole and I needed to fill it. This was odd. I had not experienced this before. I felt overwhelmed and had to fight not to cry. I kept trying to bring up meaningless conversation to keep my mind busy but it was not helping much. Thank goodness it was not a long drive to Crystal’s house.

We pulled up in her driveway and could see the glow of the citronella candle torches she had lined out back to keep the bugs away. Florida in August was not always pretty. I stepped out of the car and I heard a metal crashing sound. Damn it! I knew what it was without looking. It was my phone. I bent down to pick it up and it had broken pretty good. I had dropped it so many times that this was its last leg and I just broke it.

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“Damn it! I am so damn clumsy!”

“Don’t worry about it, your aunt knows where you are and on Monday I will take you down to get it fixed or to get a new one. Let’s just forget it for tonight.”

He made a good point. There was no need to worry about it, I couldn’t fix it now, and I was here to have fun. While this did suck, I had to go on. Besides I had several other issues more terrible than this one and I am surviving through them.

“Your right, let’s go see some meteors.”

We started to walk around back, he grabbed my hand and for some reason I snatched it away. I tried to play it off like I had an itch on my other arm and I needed to scratch it with the one he tried to grab.

As we rounded the corner I thought Crystal was going to knock me over with the force of the hug she had for me. I managed to stay on my feet somehow.

Right about then something caught our attention in the sky. We went to the deck where Crystal had put a queen sized air mattress on it and we all laid down to watch. We would see the meteors shoot by, there were a lot of them and they were so fascinating to watch. Why had I not done this before?

It was such a beautiful night. The weather was perfect for this. We three just laid there looking up at the sky watching the meteors fly by at such rapid speeds. Ryan

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and Crystal were talking more than I was. I was enjoying the quiet peacefulness of the night too much. I had almost completely drowned out their voices, I heard voices but not loud. I was too busy enjoying this moment. I wasn’t sure how many I would have. With every day that passes I change just a little bit more. I am not sure how much I will change on my own and how fast it will happen, but right now in this moment I am Erin. I am normal and content. I guess I got too relaxed because I feel myself being shaken. I opened my eyes, which I didn’t realize I had closed, and saw Ryan standing over me.

“I am sorry did I fall asleep?”

Wow he looked really irritated.

“Yeah. You were very asleep; we were almost worried about you. You were very hard to wake up. So I guess you’re ready to go.”

That wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement. For the ride home I was so embarrassed, and tired, and had an empty feeling, so I didn’t talk. I knew he was mad so it was probably best I just left him alone unless he wanted to talk.

We pulled up to my house, he didn’t pull into the driveway, he pulled up at the street by the driveway on the side where Rebecca’s SUV sat.

I got out and tried to say goodbye but he rushed off. I don’t understand why he is so mad. Yes I fell asleep but

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damn, really that pissed him off? Oh well, it was a good night for the most part. Hopefully tomorrow I would talk to him and figure it all out.

As I passed the back end of Rebecca’s car, my heart fell.

In the driveway was a car I had never seen before. Shannon drives a truck so my dream was wrong. I was a bit relieved, but sad at the same time. But there was a question that needed to be answered. Who was this? As much as I want to run inside to find out, I am so terrified, who I am going to find? I got up next to the car to pass by it and notice how dark the windows are. They are so dark that you can’t even tell what it looks like on the inside at night.

Maybe it was Ariello? The timing would be great. He would be able to help so much right now. I actually hope it is him. This could just be a friend of Rebecca’s. Really I need to learn how to relax and not read too much into everything.

I reached for the handle of the front door when I heard a car door close behind me.

Oh, hell I forgot he was in the car in my dream. Oh my God, could it be? I couldn’t turn around, I was frozen. Everything was going in slow motion. Someone please hit the fast forward button! The suspense is killing me. I am pretty sure now that it is him, the dream is right on. But, why? No, it couldn’t be. It was not his truck. Just hurry and turn around, come on legs work with me here.

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“Hey, you are ok I guess?”

It was him! I know that voice anywhere. And I was frozen worse now than before. All I wanted to do was run to him, but I couldn’t even get a word out.

“So now you won’t even talk to me or look at me? I heard you got very sick and no one had seen you in a very long time. I got worried and tried to call you many times. I left you many messages and gave you my new phone number. I even texted you to call me back a few times. But then last night I had a dream that told me to come see you for today I have had an overwhelming urge to come see you for myself. I could not stay away anymore. I had to see you. And you won’t even look at me?

Erin, please, look at me!”

That cut right through me, I felt a drip of rain on my hand. Great now it’s starting to rain. I looked up at the sky but notice no clouds. Well that happens sometimes. Really I had a bad habit of focusing on odd things when I needed to focus on something more pressing.

I summon the strength to just turn around to look at him; there he was, beautiful as I remember. Beautiful clean cut blonde hair, gorgeous baby blue eyes. Inviting arms that make me want to run right into them, but if I do I would not be able to let him go.

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His eyes met mine and he looked so hurt, he rushed to me and brushed his hand against my cheek he asked in a very tiny voice,

“Did I do this to you? Or was this why your boyfriend rushed off?”

“What? Do what to me? And what boyfriend?”

“Erin, why are you crying?”

It wasn’t starting to rain, that is why there were no clouds, I was crying. But why?

“Did he do something to you?”

Shannon sounded so mad. I had not heard this tone in his voice before.

“No. He didn’t do anything to me. I just made him mad. And he is not my boyfriend. We are just friends.”

“I am glad to hear that. That means there is still a chance for me then?” Really? Was he serious? He has a great way of messing with my head.

“But you left, and as far as I know you are not coming back.” “I will be back and forth. I miss you, we just started talking and getting close, at least I thought we were. I don’t want to lose that.”

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“Well then you shouldn’t have left.

“Trust me Erin, if there were any other way I wouldn’t have left. I would much rather be here.”

“How long are you here for now?”

“I have to leave in the morning. I was not supposed to leave in the first place but I just couldn’t stay away from you tonight. There was something so strong that made me come to you. Nothing could stop me from getting to you. I just wanted you to know that I do care about you and I want to keep contact with you and get to know you better. I want to be a part of your life.”

“Shannon you just don’t understand how hard that is. I don’t expect you too because even I can’t fully understand it. I have so many things going on in my life right now. I am going through changes you could not understand. I am constantly under stress right now. I don’t know what I am doing from one day to the next.

When you told me you were leaving, something inside of me died. I spent the past three months so depressed that I could barely move, however I did spend those months getting to know me better. I do not fully know me yet, in time I will, however I am battling every day.

If I have to go weeks, or months between being able to see you, being able to touch you or hear your voice, I would go crazy. The problem here is that you have no clue exactly what you mean to me. I know this sounds

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crazy but you’re all I think about. I have tried to get on with life but even when I am with a very sweet guy who wants to be with me and make me happy, all I can think about is you. He tries to hold my hand and all I can think about is how different his skin is than yours. How you smell, the way your eyes shimmer, the cute barely noticeable dimple you have on you left cheek when you smile, the way your voice booms when you really laugh. Shannon I … well I feel a lot for you. If you think that I can handle seeing you sometimes and be okay with that is not going to work with me.

Now if you decide to come back for good one day then let me know. I miss you more than you know, but I care too much to let you promise something that I know you can’t.”

“Erin, I am sorry I caused you so much pain. I will leave you alone and let you get on with your life, but I want you to know first that I feel the exact same way about you. I can’t get you out of my mind. The difference is that I don’t want you out of my mind. And I can tell you without a doubt that I could promise you that I would come back and that you are what I want.

Erin, I will be back I promise you that, but for now I will go. Please promise me you will be happy and never forget me. If you ever want me or need me call me and I will be here, that I can promise too.”

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With those words that again cut right through me, I was again frozen. He turned to go to his car and I felt a sudden rush of heat and then I felt nothing.

When I finally did feel something again it was a burning in my chest, and a horrible headache.

Why am I laying down? Wait why am I in my bed? What is going on? Was that all a dream?

I looked next to me; Rebecca was there in the chair sleeping. On the table by my bed was a cup that smelled wonderful. I knew what this was. While I was disgusted by the thought of it, I remember the taste and how it helped make me stronger right away last time.

This was a little sweeter, but still had pretty much the same taste.

Rebecca sat up like she had just had a nightmare. She kept that look on her face as she started to realize she was awake.

“I thought I told you to be careful?” Shannon told me what happened and he told me to tell you he was sorry and that he meant every word.

I believe him Erin; he looked like he was in pain to leave you. He didn’t want to but I made him. I knew you needed to get your strength back up. He seems to drain your strength for some reason.

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You need to be very careful, especially around him. Tonight when you collapsed, you scraped your hand on the pavement and it was bleeding pretty badly. He helped bandage it up, and then kissed it.

He did get some of your blood on his lip, now it was not enough to make a difference obviously, but be aware of the fact that there is not a study guide to go by on what can be harmful to you or others. I know it wasn’t your fault, I am just saying be careful.

Why do you keep rubbing your chest?”

“It hurts. I don’t know why, it stings but not that there is a problem with my heart but the skin. It burns. Maybe I hit it when I fell.”

“Let me take a look at it Erin.”

As she pulled my shirt up to see the area just below my breast, almost to the middle of my chest, the place that you can best hear the heart beat, she gasped. She had not looked as pale or frightened when she had told me the truth about myself.

Was it really that bad?

“What is it?”

“I...umm…I don’t know. It looks like a handprint. But it looks like it is part of you, like a tattoo or a birth mark. I have no clue what it means.”

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“What? A handprint? Right there, why? And why would it burn? What the hell is wrong with me?”

“Erin, the only thing I can think of, and still it makes no sense is that when he carried you in, you weren’t breathing like you normally do. We couldn’t see you breathing or hear it at all. He laid you on the bed and checked for a heartbeat and when he did, you gasped so loudly like something had startled you. What did he do to you?”

“He couldn’t have done this to me.” “He could have. Think about it, you have trouble every time he is near. Maybe he is a bad person to have around. You still don’t know why all this happens when you are around him. Again I beg of you to stay away from him please!”

“Well that won’t be a problem, I made it clear to him that he should stay away and he said he would. Now if you don’t mind I am going to go to bed. I have had a stressful last part of the day.

I love you Rebecca, thank you for taking care of me.”

“I love you too sweet heart, get some rest.”

I laid in my bed with the lights off just staring at the ceiling, only the light from the moon was shining in making peaceful shadows. I kept my hand at my heart, where the handprint was and felt very content. As long

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as my hand was there it didn’t hurt, but as soon as I moved it I was in pain again.

I have to admit that it was a nice feeling to touch something that somehow he had left for me a little part of him.

That was the exact moment I let myself realize and admit to myself, only myself that I was in love with Shannon. I had know it from the first time I saw him, but I was trying to make it into a crush or something silly. There was nothing silly here, I loved him so much that it hurt me, physically and mentally and I knew I could not have him which tore me apart. But the knowing that I got through to him and above all else he would move on and he would be happy. That was enough for me.