Sweet. Thanks a bunch
Young Adult / Lavender Moon
Chapter Three
I was in awe! My mom… wow this was getting so real. I felt as if I were chasing some sort of ghost though. Why the games? Why couldn’t I just go where I need to be and see her? This was agony.
I opened the rest of the packet and found a Colorado ID, some extra money and a key on a chain. I kept the list out, put the key around my neck and stuffed the rest of the packet in my sling. I stepped back inside to catch the light, it was already dark and the sky was lit up with tiny bright little lights. I felt a little relieved for as much agony I was in. I searched the list for an address for me to camp out at. I folded up the list, stuck it in my pocket and went to ask the desk clerk how to find the first address on my list. He gave me very detailed instructions and bid me off. When I stepped outside to leave, out of the corner of my eye I caught someone standing on the side of the shack and I instantly knew they were waiting for me. I could feel some one’s eyes boring into me, I felt panic rise in me and almost took off in full sprint when this girl, not much older than me, stepped out and into the light of the tiny shack window. She was beautiful… short about five two, medium length hair that looked as red as blood and the prettiest ice blue eyes. What an odd combination but what a wonderfully lovely looking girl.
The closer she got to me; I could see the strangest concern in her face. Who was she? I was still intrigued with her, her beauty alone was marvelous. She was a very developed young woman, just as I, but also very thin and frail looking, almost bird like. It startled me when she spoke,
“Hello… Katelyn is it? My name is Rowan, your mother, Neala, sent me and made me promise to stay here and wait for you. She told me I would know who you were just by looking into your eyes. Boy was she right. Even in the blackest of night you could see those sparklers from a mile away!”
“Not bad yourself” I told her.
She just giggled and grabbed my bag.
“I have a room already set up for us.”
“I was told not to let you out of my site, so hurry up… its cold.”
I was still in shock from it all, my mom had sent her to watch over me, protect me, I don’t know, it was all so weird. I followed without hesitation because yes it was starting to get cold. It was only seven thirty and from the look of the sky it was going to rain.
Rowan was half jogging and pep talking me to catch up and keep pace. We arrived at what looked like another broke down shanty, she kicked the door open and set my bag beside this little settee sofa. From the outside this place looked like a shit hole, it seemed everywhere I looked though this was pretty much a ghost town. Maybe that was the way these folks wanted it. But boy howdy did the inside of this little motel look fantastic. I really liked the rustic look.
I had just realized how tired I was; maybe it was because I honestly felt safe with this girl, even though I didn’t know her. Rowan saw the stress and somberness in my face and pointed the way to my little escape. I needed sleep and she could see that. She followed me to the room and put my bag on the chair next to the bed. Yum… the bed… it looked so cozy. Rowan stood in the door way, looking at me with wide eyed curiosity and told me to sleep. She would see me in the morning. And like that she was gone.
I didn’t even change, I collapsed on the bed and don’t remember anything after that. I expected to have the same demonic and vampiric dreams, although this night… nothing.
I was so relieved when I woke up the next morning, or I should say afternoon. I woke up in the same spot I had fallen asleep. I rolled over and saw the strange bird like girl there again.
“Rowan” she said to me approvingly,
Like I had forgotten her name; I looked at her confused.
“I hadn’t forgotten” I told her.
“I’m still just a little bewildered; this is an awful lot to take in.”
I grunted at her. I felt dirty and was extremely hungry. I asked Rowan if she would mind if I got myself ready and without hesitation she left abruptly. She sure wasn’t one for talk, or so I thought. I probably sounded rude. I would have to apologize, later though.
I kept sifting through the events from the previous two days. So much stuff was rolling around my head, I had a horrible headache. I decided to take a shower to de-stress. When I got out of the shower, I got dressed combed through my wet tangled hair and threw it up in clip. No time to waste on hair. When I stepped out of the bathroom Rowan was there again.
“Feelin better, darlin?”
“Ya, much, thanks for asking”
“I brought these for you, looked as if you needed them.”
She plopped two aspirins in my hand. I know I didn’t say anything out loud about my headache, weird I thought to myself. I guess my face was more readable than I had thought. She just smiled at me disconcertingly, grabbed my arm and hauled me off to the little kitchen down the hall. Ummm, the smell of bacon and eggs, I didn’t realize how hungry I was. I scarffed down everything on my plate and almost went back for seconds but grabbed a glass of orange juice instead. As I sat back down at the table I was fixing to say something and she interrupted me.
“I know you have a lot of questions for me right now Katelyn; we have a long road ahead of us so there will be plenty of time for that. What we need to concentrate on now is Liam, and the box.”
That threw me for a second how did she know about Liam and the trunk? Did she say we?
“Oh… it’s a trunk.” I told her almost sarcastically.
I caught myself and looked up at her with my doe eyes to tell her sorry.
Rowan asked me for the list that I had folded up and stuck in my pocket last night. I myself was curious to see what all was in the orange packet again. I was almost trance like last night and methodically just shoved the rest of the packet in my bag without thinking. We went back to my room and I pulled it the orange packet from my sling, my pictures and my Gran’s letter.
“Wow thoughtful, looks like you brought everything.” She giggled
I had to chuckle myself, it felt good. Everything about her felt comfortable.
She looked up at me and grabbed my shoulder, looked me straight in my eyes and told me not to worry; no one would come looking for me.
“You are safe, that’s why your mom picked me” she said.
“I won’t let anything happen to you.”
In that instant I did feel safer than I had in years. It was funny to think of my life being safe in the grips of this frail little thing. But I believed her.
She started sorting through my belongings and I started to feel very uneasy. I reached out grabbing it all, snatching them from her hands so quickly that I didn’t even know what I was doing. The look of shock on her face suddenly made me feel like a complete ass. It had just occurred to me that these were my only possessions. I had nothing else, nothing to claim as my own except for what I had shoved into my bag the day I left.
I apologized rapidly and tried to explain it to her; she understood though. She reassured me that she would have reacted the same way.
There was something about this girl, Rowan. I didn’t know what, but she made me feel at ease, as if I hadn’t a care in the world.
She didn’t even have to speak to me to make everything feel ok. She just gave me these pleased glances, and I knew. I had seen my mother make the same faces to me in my dreams. How strange that one little girl could make everything seem ok in my world of torment and distortion. I laid my stuff back down on the bed and looked at her again apologetically and she just grinned, waiting for my approval, I nodded to let her know it was ok.
I just sat, watched and listened intently at the plan that was starting to arise, and I knew it was time to move on. Rowan had asked me for the list I had stuffed in my pocket; she read over our next destination and then instructed me to pack my things and to meet her in the lobby. It took mere minutes to throw my things together, rescan the room and grab my bag. At that moment I felt exhilarated and was eagerly anticipating the next stop. I went to the lobby but she wasn’t there, so I set my stuff down by the sofa again and plopped down on the couch. I heard her from the back thanking the inn helper for packing us some food for the road. Her voice was amazing; she even sounded bird like, her laugh also sounded chirpy to me.
I couldn’t help but giggle to myself. Rowan sprang into the room, almost too happy.
“Time for a road trip Katy cat… I can’t wait.”
How did she know my nick name my mother had given me? I wasn’t comfortable with Rowan calling me pet names, yet. I guess she saw the annoyance in my face and immediately apologized.
“Ya I guess it’s too soon for that huh” she blurted out.
I just shook my head. It wasn’t funny; it was if she could read my mind. How uncomfortable. Just the thought of it made me shudder. Rowan turned around and stared at me kind of funny. It almost looked as if she wanted to say something.
“What”, I said it almost too sarcastically.
“No-thing” she retorted back to me, annunciating every syllable.
What the hell did I say, I thought to myself?
I heard her mutter “nothing, just forget it about it” almost too soft for me not to hear. I just blew it off. Maybe I was tired or maybe she was tired. Who knew? We walked in silence for a little while.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. In that thirty minutes I had fallen behind her and had to jog to catch back up. I yelled “sorry” at her and she stopped and turned back to me and giggled her little chirpy bird laugh again.
“Katelyn… I know you’re sorry, but you don’t have to keep saying it.”
She said all this with that brilliant smile of hers, I knew to believe her.
“But we have to keep trucking along, we have to find Liam, your mom wrote down an address to this pub in town. I’m sure we’ll catch up with him there. I can almost bet they won’t be letting any minors in so we’ll have to see if we can run into him out front. They open at noon.”
“Ok” I told her
And we took off.
Small talk and endless chatter came so natural to the both of us. It was funny we had both confessed to one another that we weren’t as chatty as we made ourselves out to be. It was nice, I liked being able to talk to someone so freely. She agreed… I could feel this instantaneous bond that was developing between us. God… it would be so great if I had a sister, her as my sister.
We finally made it to the pub. I didn’t realize the walk had taken almost forty-five minutes and this seemed like such a small town. Well, we were overloaded with a big bag so that had a lot to do with the taking forever part. Rowan kind of ushered me to the side of this pub and told me to wait there. She disappeared around the corner, but I could still hear her voice. Was that Liam she was talking to? I could make out two distinct voices, hers and a man’s voice. Why in the hell was I instructed to stay behind? Wasn’t this MY cousin? Curiosity got the best of me and I quietly got up and tip toed to the corner. Just as I had peered around the corner they both had stopped talking and turned to look in my direction. I know they didn’t hear me, I was mouse quiet.
“You know what they say Katelyn, curiosity killed the cat.”
I saw her eyebrows raise and she looked down at me. Then she flashed that brilliant smile at me again.
“Just kidding Kat, get over here.”
Liam just looked at me in shock and disbelief; I thought his jaw was going to hit the concrete. I instantly felt uncomfortable. I’ve seen people look at me like that before and I could read his mind, looking at me as if I were no relation to him and the despicable things he was thinking. I instantly thought of my father and got on the defense.
Rowan was also in shock, I don’t know if she knew what I was thinking but she instantly stepped in between me and Liam. He just shook his head, as if he were trying to shake the image from his thoughts. I could see Liam say to himself “Your married, cut it out.” Rowan then proceeded to introduce him to me, how did she know him? He stepped up and gently took my hand to shake it.
“I have heard so much about you Katelyn”
“How… who told you about me, because I just found out about you.”
“Your mother of course” he gave me that silly girl grin.
How do all of these people know my mother, but I don’t, I started thinking to myself. I started to shake, I felt so weird, what was going on? Rowan immediately grabbed my hand and threw it back to my side.
“I knew that was going to happen” she muttered shaking her head disapprovingly.
“What was going to happen” I asked her.
“I’ll explain later” she said
“So Liam” Rowan asked
“Where do we need to meet you?”
Liam jotted down an address, folded it up and placed it in Rowans hand.
“Ok I’ll see you at eight.”
I was still standing there reeling from what had just happened, Rowan just looked at me very motherly,
“I will explain, let’s talk to Liam first and get it over with, we meet him at eight tonight.”
“You promise me you’ll explain to me what’s going on, I just don’t feel right. I feel… strange, I can’t really explain what I’m feeling though.” I told her
“Yes Kat, I will and I do understand.”
She looked at me reassuringly; she put her arm around my waist and hugged me tight. I didn’t really know what to make of it. I was not used to that kind of affection, from anyone. But I went with it and again I felt safe. Rowan and I found a spot to chill for a while, I grabbed the sandwiches and waters out of my pack and we sat and ate in silence. I had a lot of contemplating to do and Rowan knew I needed this time to think, so she gave it to me. Only once she asked me if I was ok. She said I had “the look” on my face.
I glanced at her unconvincingly… she just smiled and nodded her head. I was about to ask her a question, but yet again she interrupted me.
“Please let me ask you a question Kat. Have you been noticing something weird lately?”
“Ya as a matter of fact I have, I just don’t know how to explain it.”
“Could you try?” She asked me
I sat there looking at the clouds roll by and couldn’t really think of how to put it. The words were all jumbled in my head. It was easy enough to say but I would sound downright crazy if I dared utter the words I wanted.
“Well, I can’t find the right words, should I just tell you outright?”
“Please” she urged me.
“I can read your mind, and you can read mine. That’s the only way I can explain it. The only thing that has me freaked out is the fact that I don’t really know you. Funny as it is, I can read not only yours but everyone else’s to. It’s very unsettling and I feel as if I’m doing something bad.”
Rowan looked astonished, all I could think to myself was, am I wrong?
“No you’re far from wrong” “But there are more things, magnificent things to come.”
I studied her face intently. I could read her mind perfectly but her body language was another issue.
“I think I’m going to have to deal with this on a one by one basis” “I’m a little freaked out right now.” I told her.
“One day at a time.” She smiled.
Not too long ago I had wished that I could have conversations wordlessly, it just seems too good to be true. I was defiantly out of my comfort zone now.
We must have sat there for a while because before I knew it the blue from the sky was fading into a brilliant peach, pink and purple. It was stunning, looking up at the brilliantly hued palette with the mountains in front almost drowning out the sky completely. I wished I could paint because this was one memory that I would want last forever.
Rowan jumped up from the bench,
“Oh my goodness… we are going to be late!” With all her shouting she jolted me out of my concentration.
She grabbed my bag and my hand and we took off. She kept muttering something to herself as we were jogging to get to Liam’s. In between her mutterings I could read her thoughts… the only thing I asked her was why he was going to ring her neck when we got there. She looked at me almost sad and didn’t answer. I honestly found it funny.
We had finally gotten to Liam’s house, he had a grand house. This wasn’t like the other houses I had seen in Delhi. This was like the Taj Mahal compared to all the other rinky dink decrepit buildings. The double doors in the front were carved and stained almost a cinnamon color and the outside had that stucco texture. The windows were large and wide, I could imagine standing there in the mornings drinking in all the glorious sun. This house too had that very rustic feel about it.
He greeted us at the door, looking thoroughly disgusted, tapping one foot and shaking his head. I wondered to myself what the big deal was.
I felt a little to diva’ish and thought to myself, isn’t this whole thing about me or what. Why does he have any reason to be mad! It was only fifteen minutes. I guess she could feel the irritation oozing from every pore of me. Rowan shot me this look of shut up and I did, mentally and made it a point not to say anything as well. I didn’t have any idea what to expect. Liam ushered us through the door and slammed it shut.
All I could think about was what in the hell did this girl, that I had put my complete trust in, get me into. My mind raced and I knew she could hear me so I tried to visualize my demise. She would lead me to some secret dungeon and they would strap me to a stone wall with chain irons for my hands and feet. I didn’t want to die at thirteen! Just as I had screamed that in my head Rowan turned to look at me puzzled and tried to keep a straight face but she couldn’t hold it for long. She broke out in this hysterical laugh that pissed Liam off so bad that he stopped dead in his tracks turned around sharply and told her to “SHUT UP!”
Rowan looked back at me and told me, very sarcastically, that she was ruining the intensity of the moment. I still looked at her puzzled, what did she mean? This was turning into a very Sci-Fi moment. Liam had escorted us down this long hallway. I took my time looking at all of the family portraits hoping that I would find someone in those pictures that I would recognize. We walked almost to the back, then he stopped short to turn and look at me. “This is your right of passage Katelyn, I hope nothing but the best for you from here on out.”
He left Rowan in the hall, abandoned, and ushered me to this room. It was beautiful… the walls were midnight black with sprays of stars that almost seemed to actually illuminate. There were no windows and on the wall in front of me there was this red curtain, kind of swaged along the entire length of the wall.
Under the swag was a beautifully decorated, ornamental table with all kinds of ritual tools. I was still scared, no one had prepared me for what was about to happen. There were all kinds of pictures on the other walls framed in expensive in wood, of what looked like wizards, warlocks and witches decorated in their ceremonial robes, I was intrigued by them, and I wanted to know who they were. I guess Liam could feel my panic, not to mention interest and grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently, reassuring me everything was going to be ok.
We sat down on a rug in the middle of the room on what looked like a huge pentagram. On the points of the star were lots of different items. Some were tools others were animals in little jars and flowers. Candles lit up the rest of the room.
He moved me to the middle of the star and told me to relax, that this wasn’t going to hurt. I don’t think he realized that I had never been through or gone and done something like this before, but the look in his eyes made me trust him, just as I had trusted Rowan. He told me this was going to go quick and then like that I was out. I know at some point I had tried to open my eyes but they felt so heavy and immediately shut again and I slightly remember the chant he was repeating to himself but nothing after that.It did seem fairly quick, but then again I was out, I opened my eyes and asked him what had happened, he looked at me in disbelief and shot back at me
“You seriously don’t remember a thing? I mean I know, how would you remember anything. I have never before seen anything like that.”
“Wow” he kept shouting.
“Unbelievable”.
I started to get very irritated “what” I kept asking.
“I…I…I… can’t explain it” he stuttered.
He sat me up and he took a seat in front of me.
“How do you feel” he asked me gently, patting my shoulder.
I was so engrossed in his experience that I hadn’t even thought about me. I sat there for a few seconds thinking and started to feel dizzy, my head was throbbing, my ears were ringing and it seemed as if everything on my body were vibrating. It was almost the same feeling I had when Rowan had introduced me to Liam. This was more intense though. I told him what I was feeling and he looked dumb founded.
“Unbelievable” he kept repeating
He kept quiet for a few minutes longer. I guess the same as me, trying to absorb the magnitude of what had just happened.
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Saia reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t actually read the first two chapters, but I like where this one is going.
The tone for the main character is good, it seems like a person about fifteen is talking (So, if it’s not, I suggest changing the tone, lol).
But the phrase ‘tiny bright little lights.’ is too descriptive for stars.
Remove one of the adjectives, it doesn’t mater which one. xD
Also, someone is one word. Just saying. ;)
Another thing, at the end of page one, the internal question at the end (Who was she?) Is a bit… unnatural? I dunno, but I suggest phrasing it differently, int he form of a statement, perhaps.
Another thing, you should separate the narration from her internal thoughts. For example, ‘I know I didn’t say anything out loud about my headache, weird I thought to myself.’
Should be ‘I know I didn’t say anything out loud about my headache. /Weird/ I thought to myself.’
(Slashes represent italicies.)
Other than that, I simply suggest you revise it (because of the grammar issues, like spelling out ‘okay’ and ‘yeah’, and adding commas and periods where needed.) and it’s fine. :D
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story is so secretive in a good way. Like I feel like the main character. I’m left in the dark about all the strange happenings. You handle your scifi aspects of this story well. You don’t make such a big deal about them being able to read minds. You made it very believable. I like the mystery behind her mother.
jonny2469 reviewed Version 1 -
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Not badly put together. The story rolls along without appearing to try too hard. I’ll bring up some thoughts but don’t take them seriously. What do I know?
Your descriptions are very basic. Stars are tiny bright little lights, for example. I prefer more sophisticated exercises of vocabulary and imagery. But that’s just me. Shanty, shack, shit hole. You give the word but you don’t describe it, make it real for us. We want a solid mental image of what you’re describing, not our own image from our past. something new and unique from YOU.
There seem to be a number of superfluous words that I’d guess come from your train of thought. For example: “I followed without hesitation because YES it was cold.” why on earth would you need a yes there? it was warm outside because yes it was summer. she looked into my eyes because yes I was crying.
I got a chuckle out of “she was a very developed younger woman, just as I…” what is this, subtle porn for young lesbians? just kidding.
“I was so relieved when I woke up the next morning, or I should say afternoon.” I was so relieved when I woke up the next afternoon, why add words that don’t enhance the story, advance the story, or give insights into the characters? it’s just wasted typing.
‘I told her almost sarcastically.’ almost? like: I almost fell off a bridge? I almost won the fight? there are little hiccups like this throughout the text. but it can be fixed by using an adjective to designate the degree of sarcasm. I said with a tinge of sarcasm, with a hint, whatever. I was almost a jerk mean that you weren’t a jerk. see what I’m saying?
phrases like: And we were off. not so much. Our job is to come up with original ways to say things, to look at the world. When it comes down to it most stories are the same. It’s how we write them that either makes our writing stand out or fade into the sea of the millions of other want to be’s. You’ve got a lot of plot here but (i hate to say this, because it sounds harsh) you either need to read more, or take further creative writing classes. I mean, little things like your punctuation if off. but that’s what this site is for, to realize from others how much work we’ve got ahead of us. In your story people ‘just know’ things and “feel at ease with Rowan” but you’re TELLing us that, as the narrator, instead of SHOWing, and if you show with skill the reader comes to the conclusion of what you’re trying to communicate, and arrives there having interacted. They’ve figured it out themselves, and that’s what they want.
of course that’s the way I see writing and others will disagree, which is fine with me. But I have been asked for my opinion so I’m giving it. I hope it doesn’t offend you.
I think an excellent exercise would be for you to take ONE chapter and try to write it from 3rd person objective. No insights into what characters are thinking, no narrator explanations. Action and description, that’s it. How do you communicate what the character is feeling? Describe her facial expression, tone of voice, body movements. The same way we figure out as people that a co-worker is in a bad mood. Dialog should advance the plot and give insight to the inner workings of the character. Nothing can be named (it’s just an exercise), you have to describe its characteristics. Like shanty. If it’s wood, what kind of wood? What’s the roof made of? Details details details. there is no yellow, there is ocher, there is no red, there is scarlet. blue? latigo, whatever. ok maybe attic blue. originality! when it comes down to it, the only ice that is blue is in a blue colored glass or cup. just cuz you’ve heard other people use it doesn’t make it worthy to use.
anyway, it would be a good exercise. I hope you’re not upset by my review. Remember, this is just one idiot’s opinion.
erinbell reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this very much. I would definately like to read the book. Is it available yet?
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