‘throwing shapes’ means dancing crazily. I wrote it for British mags but I was hoping it might be universal- I suppose it could be adjusted. Thanks.
Journalism / Manbags: A Doomed Trend
‘I don’t make things difficult. That’s just the way they get. All by themselves.’
- Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), Lethal Weapon
There was a poignant moment in the middle of last night while I stood in Rififi, Stalybridge’s most popular nightclub.
I was half-drunk off overpriced Glenfiddich and apparently dressed like a waiter in black trousers and a white shirt with a loosely fastened white tie. While staring into a dance floor full of fine women, I realised that on that particular night I couldn’t have any of them.
The reason? Adding to the monochrome, I was carrying a not-too discreet black Ted Baker man bag.
I have carried this bag on pretty much every night out since January. The reason for this: a short-term memory disability, which has been the bane of my existence since birth. Whereas with most men it is more a fashion accessory, I was hoping that, for me, it would be more an organisational benefit- something that would my life easier.
Prior to buying this bag, I’d got by on nights out by jamming essentials into my pockets: the wallet, the keys (house and sometimes car), the phone, an A7 pocket notebook and a pen. All of this gave the impression that under my jeans, I was wearing a pair of Megatron’s boxer shorts. The angular shapes jutting from my crotch not only looked weird, but also felt uncomfortable –particularly when attempting outrageous dance moves. I’d lost track of the amount of times my phone had flown out of my pocket while throwing shapes.
This, I now realise, was a small price to pay.
An A5 man bag allows me to carry a diary and a larger notebook, which helps me to stay organised. I can also throw in eyedrops and nasal spray for hayfever, painkillers and blog cards. Despite these ‘plusses’, the bag is first and foremost a highly powerful woman-repellent.
Last night, like on various nights, a woman walked up to me like I was a fucking mannequin- subhuman- with her nose crinkled, fingering the bag’s strap across my chest.
Suffice to say, it didn’t flick her switch.
She’s not alone. People in Stalybridge (men and women) voiced their disliking of my man bag as have various people in Oldham. I’ve given it half a year to catch on, but I’m resigned to the fact it isn’t happening.
When people have asked about the bag I have tried every response I could think of- from ‘I am a drug dealer’ (a lie, for the record) to ‘it keeps my shit correct’ to a general arrogant display of defiance- something along the lines of ‘what the fuck does it have to do with you?’
Wow. And I used to be such a nice guy. I sure don’t pull as much as I used to, before I carried the man bag.
Surely, you would have thought, I could have foreseen the barrage of prejudice heaped upon me for making this fashion decision.
Maybe I could. But I was enthused by the number- and calibre- of men already carrying them. Matthew McConaughey, David Beckham, Hugh Jackman, Robert Downey Junior, George Clooney, John Terry and Cristiano Ronaldo have all been photographed in public carrying man bags.
Let’s look to the world of movies- Indiana Jones, whilst trekking through various dangerous regions, carried a brown shoulder bag not dissimilar to those available on the high street today. And check out Star Wars. Ever noticed how Chewbacca’s beige satchel blends into his fur?
Nobody would dare take the piss out of those two dudes. However if you’re an unbridled cock and an overrated fictional character like Joey from Friends, you’ll get an entire episode dedicated to your bag, and people will rip the piss out of it and call you a homo for half an hour. Or so I’m led to believe. I have an aversion to canned laughter- especially when it is unjustified- hence I avoid Friends like herpes and haven’t seen the episode.
Oh yeah, by the way- remember Barbie? Well, at least the adverts? Remember her fella, ‘Ken’? Guess what the latest model, ‘Metro Ken’, comes with. I’m not even going to say it.
And you might want to check what Jack Bauer has slung over his shoulder in the latest Season of 24…
Aside from the celebrity roll-call, there are men I personally know who carry manbags. All three of them are straight, before you ask, and all three are- or have been- professional cage fighters. One is a well-known instructor of Mixed Martial Arts.
I suppose you can carry a man bag off if you’re a big guy with a shaved head and generally look mean. When you’re a regular 65kg guy, it’s not so easy to master. Even if I reached for the clippers- and I may do soon out of a need for a fresh start- it’s still not going to balance out the potential risk of being a walking fashion disaster.
One other possibility is that I shell out more. I spent £20 on my Ted Baker man bag. Functionally it’s sound, with a long cover flap, a zip pocket for coins on the front, a spacious interior and a couple of hidden pockets. No elastic loop for pens though, or a zip lid for waterproofing. The whole thing is somewhat nondescript- which could be a virtue, but isn’t.
I asked a friend of mine his opinion- he’s usually dripping in Vivienne Westwood and All Saints gear. He knows the shit.
‘If you’re going to carry a bag,’ he suggests, ‘I’d invest in a pimp-arsed man bag. Something like Gucci. But spend a minimum of £100, £120. For you, it would be a worthwhile investment.’
I considered this, but a quick scoot around the trendiest stockists in Manchester proved that bags of this price range don’t look much different from my own. And in a packed, darkened club, which woman would care? All she would see is the black strap, and that doubtful expression would return.
One other issue with wearing a man bag is the slightly different kind of attention you might also get. In one unnameable bar in Oldham, a young, skinny but dodgy looking man stopped me in the corridor to the toilets. You can forget you’re wearing a bag that light.
‘E’yare mate,’ he said quietly, looking over his shoulder. He tapped the side of his nose. ‘You got any sniff?’
I’d not been asked for drugs before. I’m not proud of it, but I suppose it’s a milestone of sorts. So aside from an affinity with drug dealers, and some of the most lethally skilled men in Britain, and gays, and people who are so internationally famous they can wear whatever the hell they like and not have to deal with bullshit, the man bag may not be particularly popular- at least not for the next few years.
For the time being, my man bag will be resigned to the storage unit for all redundant fashion accessories- the cupboard. I’ll just go back to more compact notebooks, and more jammed pockets.
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oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I was half drunk on…Would “on” sound better than off or not.
Apparently dressed…I am having a problem with this….Was he dressed as a waiter or was a waiter?.....I would take out apparently unless you mean that it was apparent that you were dressed like a waiter or was a waiter. Can you make this clearer?
I love paragraph 4 and your reference to your crotch and the protruding objects. No one naughty humor more than i. Very clever.
hahaah. Love the nasel spray bit.
Hahahaha. “It didn’t flick her switch.” Matt this has to be your work. Either that or someone has copied your unique style You are at your best in this one.
Chewbacca’s beige satchel blends into his fur?” oh , hahahahahaha. You are most correct. Love it.
body would dare take the piss out of those two dudes….Is this an English phrase? I think it could be plainer. You are clever. I think you should say something wittier.
avoid Friends like herpes and haven’t seen the episode….Love the herpes but if you haven’t seen it how do you know about it. You could say “if” Friends dedicated a whole episode…..
Love the bit about the toilets and the skinny man….hahahahaha
I enjoyed this to the max. I think it is sharp, witty, intelligent, and begs a question. Do men think have enough confidence in their virility to sport a man-bag. The only thing that i think really hurts this is the waiter suit. This blog is about the man-bag. Now, if you talk about the waiter suit the reader has to wonder if it is the suit that deters the girls. What if you introduce the man-bag first and then say, to top it off i am apparently dressed like a waiter. That way the man-bag would be the main subject of the blog. I think this is one of the best blogs you have ever written but i love them all, and try not to miss one. You also prove your point and that is the most virle and manly men carry man-bags. No one would call Indiana Jones a wuss. Remember that!
Personally, i think you should put the man-bag back on your shoulder and pretend you are Conan the Barbiarian. A man with confidence can wear anything. Besides, i think you need it to remember things making it an necessity. I see nothing wrong with it. Wear it with confidence….Sandi
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I liked it and the swing from understatement to more slapstick humor it entails. It is quite visual and easy to follow, a journalistic plus, though the colorful language limits you somewhat (no Ladies’ Home Journal or Reader’s Digest for sure). You build one thing upon another to make your point quite well and the story rocked along to a rather abrupt stop. The last sentence is just a little flat in my opinion. You might want to punch that up. Maybe something along the line of “Right next to the parachute pants with all the pockets. Hmmmm.” or something to that effect. Your call of course. Overall, an enjoyable read.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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You need a comma after “Glenfiddich”
“flown out of my pocket while throwing shapes” maybe it’s just because I’m a Yank but I don’t understand this. Maybe find a different way to express this thought
BTW, you’re not missing anything by not watching “Friends”, canned laughter or no
I like the way you’ve written this, it’s an entertaining piece. But it makes me wonder if its the bag that is the reason you aren’t getting any action—LOL! What I think is lacking is an example of how you had better luck before you started carrying the bag. Proof that the bag is really the reason why women seem allergic to you, so to speak.
Like the Mel Gibson quote—the first two “Leathal Weapon” movies are a favorite and the quote does fit.
Tweak it a little. Is this for British audiences only? then they may understand the slang where I missed out.
Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 1 -
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You have to be pretty tough to wear a manbag, either that, or so rich that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks.
Nosferatu_Networker reviewed Version 1 -
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toward the end it started sounding like a different writter.
Correct 2nd to last paragraph
I’m not proud of it, but I suppose it’s a milestone of sorts. So aside from an affinity with drug dealers, and some of the most lethally skilled men in Britain, and gays, and people who are so internationally famous they can wear whatever the hell they like and not have to deal with bullshit, the man bag may not be particularly popular- at least not for the next few years.
too much and : and gays and people .. fix :brittian, gays, and people … ;)
I did like writing would have read the article if i saw it in a magazine.
Bibelotredux reviewed Version 1 -
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You may want to consider the following:
I was half-drunk off overpriced Glenfiddich and apparently dressed like a waiter in black trousers and a white shirt with a loosely fastened white tie.
Try:
I was half-drunk on overpriced Glenfiddich and apparently dressed as a waiter- black trousers with white shirt, and loosely fastened white tie.
Try:
All this gave the impression that under my jeans, I was wearing a pair of Megatron’s boxer shorts
All of which gave the impression that I was wearing a pair of Megatron’s boxer shorts under my jeans.
Suffice it to say
have voiced their dislike but I’m resigned to the fact it’s not happening.
Surely one would have thought I could have foreseen the barrage of prejudice heaped upon me for making this fashion decision.
I could go on on in this fashion, but it makes me uneasy. It’s too much like attempting to impose my own style upon your blog. The point, I think, is to tighten up your sentences. Tighter sentences, less punctuation- better flow.
Have you given consideration to carrying a small, battered and seemingly inherited briefcase? You may find it attracts women. Rich ones.
I liked it. Bibelot
hvy_mtl8089 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice. Short, simple entry. Very clear and understandable, great use of grammar and correct punctuation. Tells a good story, definitely publishable. I like how there are different themes throughout, and there is enough information of each. Very well-written.
Forebirdie reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed very much reading this. I really like how right away I felt like I was having a face to face conversation with this character. The only thing I think could maybe be different was all the references to all the celebrities who have man bags. That part, to me, did roll on a bit long. Other then that, I enjoyed this piece. I would like to read more. It made me laugh how you made the reference to ladies shying away when they see the black strap. People can be so judgmental! Good job.
OresteseViera reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, for journalism, this is very tidy and states what needs to be stated while branching out into territory I wouldn’t have thought of. I noticed your use of the word so in the beginning of the sentence. This can be eased up on to make the piece more professional.
Excellent piece of work. Entertaining for such a short read.
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