Poetry / Pillow Talk (Analysis)

With this poem, I picture myself lying in bed thinking about love. Like how I want to be loved. I want to be loved with love not loved with hate. I am afraid to love because I am afraid to get hurt.

I don’t see anything really to critique. I think you did a beautiful job. Great work!

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September 21, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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But every love is different, is it not?

Some loves inspire fear of hurt, some confidence, some growth, and some can actually bore you into a comatose state.

Don’t be afraid, CreativeFrog.  Half the fun is getting there.

Bibelot

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I like the 4-syllable lines which give it a succinctness, and a ‘punchiness’, if you will.  I could easily see this being part of a longer poem, especially if written in 8 syllables per line.  The rhymes and word choices are simple but well chosen and pleasant. The whole piece flows well finishing with a thought provoking reference to physical or emotional abuse, completing what began in the first few lines with ‘barbs’ and ‘quips’.

The icing on the cake for me is the use of ‘subtlety’ and the inevitable question; in what ways is this person normally subtle?  Lastly, I like that this poem is not gender specific.  9.

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September 15, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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Thank you for reading, Smintboyuk.

I do see your point.

However, if it were longer it would perhaps lose its enigmatic quality.

Thanks again, and glad you enjoyed.

Bibelot

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I’m a big fan of love poems. Yours is not quite finished. It needs more of this:

But if you were
to warm my blood,
awaken me,
release the flood,

I want more from you. I want passion. I want raw emotion. I want you to work at it a little more.

So very close. Move me.

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September 03, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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Will it take more than 15 minutes?  I write on my coffee breaks. Five of which is spent on fetching the coffee.  Priorities.

Thank you for reading.  Improvement is imminent.  Bibelot

September 08, 2009

by Niansahc

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Haha. You’re spectacular.

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I love the picture this paints. It’s sad, dark and romantic. It’s very good.

My fave line is the first one. It reminds me of the song by Cat Power, Sea of Love, you should listen to it, if you haven’t already.

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August 31, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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Thank you, uhlexis.  I will listen to the song.

As for the first line- does it read:

Come to me (my) love

or does it read:

Come to me (love)

You decide.  Bibelot

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I like how this flows together- it could almost pass as being lyrical in the way it’s written. I don’t see anything that needs improvement really.

Well done

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August 31, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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Some of my poems flow.  Some kick.  And some hit speed bumps.  Repeatedly.

Thanks for reading, thecontactsolution09.

Bibelot

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This was an interesting read but i can tell you just be reading it twice that your main problem is flow, and transition. It reads a little clunky from stanza to stanza and all the “est,” and “ing” sounds make the flow bog.

As far as specific advice this is what i can say, in the first stanza, third line change sharpest to sharp. It makes the word “sharper,” bad joke, but true. Also the “but” as a transitional word into the next stanza didn’t work for me. Normally it isn’t a good idea to start a stanza with but unless you created a very strong trans phrase in the first.

Either way thanks for the read.

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August 30, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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Guess what, JscottR?  I began writing last May.  Subsequently clueless.  

My words seem to have formed themselves into an entity with its own agenda- quite separate from myself.  

I sometimes stand back and marvel that the thing exists at all, and will occasionally poke at it with a stick, but for the most part- I leave it alone to do it’s own dance.

I understand the changes you suggested, and agree.  Time to get the stick …..

Thank you for reading.  Bibelot

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Very nice!!!!!

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August 30, 2009

by Bibelotredux

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I choose to accept the !!!!! in lieu of profuse verbiage.

Thank you for reading.  Bibelot

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