I thank you kindly for your response and I was just recently thinking the same thing about the end part, it didn’t seem to fit too well with the rest of it, I’m working on it I assure you.
Poetry / Silently Screaming
Here my body lays,
Rotting in a silent hell.
Alone in many ways,
Yet surrounded by the fated fell.
Forever we have sought,
What cannot be found.
No matter how we've fought,
None do lay on level ground.
Laying at our feets,
A giant epitaph, a tombstone.
Covering old streets,
Not allowing paths be shown.
The epic tome is etched
With eternal truth in words.
Though our minds are stretched,
We read eagerly in herds.
It reads, "Here lies Time's hopeless romantics",
It appears I've found myself at home.
Not one to argue forthwith semantics,
Nor to allow mine eyes beyond fiery dome.
To have sought and loved for many years,
Is what I hope to say when it is the end.
To have reached beyond, to have staunched some fears,
To have had the companionship of an ditto-fated friend.
The perfect hell I live in now,
Is a hell of the waking sort.
Sometimes I go blurry and I know not how,
Sometimes I give no valid retort.
Old-fashioned, I'm labeled,
Ill-fit for society's bidding.
With no knowledge they have made me enabled,
Have fortified my desires, failure at ridding.
So I'm not fit to bend to whims?
Allow me to answer with a laugh and sly grin.
You'll find I cannot be created in the Sims,
And from where I stand, that counts as a win.
To be too much an individual to be accepted by many,
Makes me happier every time I run into the few.
Mistaken, untrue to have not cared any,
But my eyes stone set on the proverbial hew.
My want for love has made me an outcast,
So be it, I know what is fit for me.
I will be one of the few to have something that lasts,
One of those ill-fated constantly yearning to see.
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chasingdreams1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t really understand the last line… Other than that I enjoyed reading this. The desire for love in this poem is made clear by the choice of words. The title alone is alluring “silently screaming” ... That’s an eye catcher for sure:)
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fyriefae reviewed Version 1 -
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Only two things, first. The pop reference to the Sims. It could date an otherwise timeless piece, and somewhat shatters the romantic illusion. I know what you are trying to say here, but referencing a game that will most likely be irrelvent in ten or twenty years could hurt you in the long run. Second, the last stanza has an extra line that breaks the Rhyme scheme, it also made me stop and reread that part, losing the flow of the piece. Good job and keep writing
kiabrown reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the overall feel of it. It moved well and I read through it easily. However my one point of criticism: some of the rhymes seemed a little pushed and even some of the lines because of this. But overall I liked it.
lovelee1313 reviewed Version 1 -
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I understand where your trying to go. But it’s a little confusing.
“To have had the companionship of an ditto-fated friend.”
I’m not feeling this line.
“The perfect hell I live in now,
Is a hell of the waking sort.
Sometimes I go blurry and I know not how,
Sometimes I give no valid retort.”
this is my favorite part. It has a great flow, it clear.
You describe the hell as the waking sort… Then go on as to why.. because of the blurry times and when you feel you fall short.
Jeff0307 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m going to guess that English is not your first language. With that I mind it’s not bad.
nonsensical reviewed Version 1 -
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Poetry is meant to be emotional, descriptive, and metaphorical. You have found a great way to fit all of these into your poem, and the writing is actually quite well done. Though not a metered poem, it fits pretty closely into a rhythm, and, as you mentioned, for usually doing free verse, a structured stanza and rhyme scheme can be quite a challenge. This is very well written for a free verse poet.
My concerns mainly arise with the voice of the poem. Stanza’s 3, 4, and 5 refer to another person, which comes into play with a friend/comrade/similar soul later on, but in the beginning creates confusion, and then you return to a first person point of view. Granted, poetry offers plenty of freedom, but the content creates confusion in that sense.
I like the idea. The solitary attitude, a feeling of isolation, there appears to be a wish for a like-minded individual. Personally, I relate. I think this would actually work better in free verse than with a rhyme scheme, actually. The rhyme takes away from the deeper sense. It can almost become a prose poem, without the rhymes; they move away from the deeper meaning.
eyeronik reviewed Version 1 -
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your prayer is your return. your eve is in your soul and your soul has order.
I think you have talent. i would like to see a little more clarity. I think you are right on the edge of some originality.
music1358 reviewed Version 1 -
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My goodness this is florid. “fated fell” “nor to allow mine eyes” Some of the imagery is imaginative and I like the rhythms but I think some of the lines are there for rhyming purposes only and don’t really fit the overall thematic material. You could cut this down with a occam’s razor and maybe get a good two stanzas out of it.
Alex_Bruinekool reviewed Version 1 -
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“Laying at our feets” feet, probably an accident.
There were certain lines that could be cut down and others increased to better the flow of the reading. That being said, for someone who mainly writes free-verse the rhyming was very good and didn’t feel forced. I like how you left room for the reader to interperate what the point is in their own way, maybe drawing out some of our own experiences.
honey69_1986 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the piece as a whole. The individual parts flow together.
I loved the line “you’ll find I cannot be created in the Sims”.
How true also a fan of “here lies timeless hopeless romantics”
Great piece!
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