Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Angelika

I was sitting in my German conversation class wondering when it would be over, when the next infatuation would enter my life. The door opened and there was a beautiful girl. She was about 5’4”, mid twenties, brunette, a great tan, and a great body with all the necessities of a perverted 18-year-old college kid. I sat up and took notice of her and watch her walk up to the Professor. I had to remind myself that it was possible she was a grad student or teacher aid and to not get my hopes up that she would actually be in this class. Not that I would do anything anyways. That is something that a normal guy can do, and I am definitely not in that category. They were talking in German and I was trying to listen to their conversation but since I was in the back of the class and they were talking in low voices, I was not able to hear. When their conversation was over the Professor in German told us, “Everyone, we have a new student that will be joining our class. Her name is Angelika. Please tell the class a little bit about yourself.” She then turned to the class and said, “ I am from San Francisco and my parents had to move to Southern California for work. I am 25 years old. I have lived in Europe for 3 years. I speak French well, and I am trying to finish my bachelors.” The class in return said, “Hi”, and welcomed her and then next thing my Professor said made me put my head down and look at the textbook. “Angelika, since we have no seating assignment, why don’t you pick where you would like to sit.” After I heard this, I had no choice but to look down because I feared that she would see how red my face had turned. Luckily it could be hidden a little because I had a tan but I still was reluctant to look at her eye to eye. A couple of seconds passed by and then my heart stood still. I could feel any color that was in my face leave, and my stomach tightening so hard. She decided to sit in the empty seat next to my left. Well, at this point, I shifted myself to face more to the right. I could feel my face getting hot and start to perspire. Every part of me wanted to be able to turn around and just say “hi” without making it seem that I was interested, like a normal guy, but the shyness took over and I kept focusing on my work which resulted me ignoring her for the remainder of the class. When the Professor excused us, I made sure that I packed up my things and walked out of the room as quickly as possible. Oh how it made me mad at myself that I could not even do something as simple as say a merger “Hi.” I walked out fast and was adamant not to look back to ensure that she could not talk to me.

“You are such an idiot”, my friend Josh said. “You should have at least said hi. Now she probably thinks you are a jerk because you refuse to talk to her. My advice would be to just next time say hi. It is really not that hard.”
“I know, you are right, but you know that I have never been like that. It is not easy for me at least to talk to a girl and try to figure out what I can say that does not make me look like an idiot. When I am not interested in them, the conversations are endless, but when I am interested then I close up”, I said.
Every Tuesday and Thursday after German class, I would meet my Friend Josh at a fast food restaurant that was off campus for lunch. This is where we would get together and talk about the things that happened in class or the hot girls that we saw on campus. I had just relayed the story about what happened in German class and he was persistent that I talk to her the next time I saw her.
After that day I had the opportunity to go home and think things through. I knew deep down that I really, really, angst to talk to her but I knew also that I was no Casanova and was going to be able to sweep her off her feet immediately. I told myself that I was just going to have to force myself to at least say hi on Thursday when it was inevitable that I would see her again. But I did not know that opportunity would come closer than imagined.
It was Wednesday and I was waiting for my Sociology class to start. I happened to like this class very much as it was something that intrigued my personality. It happened to be a normal September day in California. Bright and Sunny with just a little wind in the air as fall was on its way. I was standing under the shade when out of the corner of my right eye I saw her coming up my way talking on her cell phone. Well, the first thing that I did was turned away from her direction. I would have not wanted her to know that I was checking her out or potentially looking in her direction. I just assumed that she would walk away. After all, I really did not want to speed up the process of breaking out of my comfortable zone. Well I think God intervened in this one because she was not walking in my direction and stopped about 10 feet away from m. Now, of course at the time, since I was so nervous, common sense went out the window and looking back now I know what her intent was. However, I still stayed quiet. She finished her cell phone conversation and there we were, standing about 10 feet away from each other not talking and me facing away not knowing if she was facing me or not. I turned around and I found out she was looking to the side but her body was facing me. I then knew it was time, to attempt to break the “comfort zone”. I then looked at her and started to speak to her in German and said,
“Hi are you not the new girl in my class?”
“I’m sorry”, she said in English.
“Oh are you not the new girl in my German class”, I said this time in English, because based on her accent was a total native.
“Yes I am. How are you doing?”
“I am well, thanks. How are you?”
“Good, just trying to adapt to the new school and new neighborhood” she said. It was a wonderful sight to be able to see her with her great tan, sunglasses, and great looks.
“Oh where did you come from?”
“I was from San Francisco, but because of my parents work I am all over the place. I have studied in France. My Father is from there.
To be honest, the questions that I asked were ones that she address yesterday. But I was trying to make conversation! I will not bestow upon you the remainder of the conversation. There were no major details just simple questions. At the end of the conversation, is where I should have figured out that she liked me. But of course, being young and unexperienced, I missed all the signs.
“ Well Angelika, it was great talking to you. I have to go to class now but I will see you tomorrow. Have a good day.”
“Yeah it was nice talking to you as well. Umm, maybe we can hang out since you have grown up here, you probably know all the places to hang out”, she said.
I was to be honest dumbfounded that she would have ever made this request. However, I tried to play it off like it was nothing.
“Sure, why don’t you give me your phone number and when I have time, I can give you a call and we can hang out.”
“Sure”, she said and then gave me her phone number.
“Well, have a good day”, I said.
“You too”, she said smiling. She had a natural smile that could make any guy take noticed. It was the type that did not take up all her face, but was small yet you could tell that it was not force but from within. This did buff up my esteem a little bit.
I might have as well skipped my sociology class. I did not hear a single word that my Professor said. All I did was sit in my desk and replay the conversation and how amazing she looked in my head. I knew that this was probably someone that I would like very dearly to date. I knew that if anything was to come from this, that I would have to take it upon myself.
As I parked my car, I was already dreading going to my German class. I was in denial on what the conversation meant and if she interested in me or if this was just a friendship. I know now that it was more than what credit I gave it at time, but when it comes to romance, I am a known pessimist. However, I dragged myself to the class. When I entered I saw Angelika talking to a girl in the front of the class. I walked past them, without any regard as if they were not there and went to my usual desk. I then took out all my materials and kept looking down at my desk refusing to put my head up. I knew that if I tempted myself with looking up, I was inevitably going to look her way, and I did not want to make eye contact. When the Professor entered, everyone, including I, looked towards the front of the class and she said,
“Everyone, we are going to review the grammatical questions that were part of your reading.”
I pulled out my homework and placed it in front of me. The Professor proceeded to present the question and call on one of us to answer the question. And of course, the day that I absolutely needed her to leave me alone, she seemed to call on me the most! This was the worst because when you were called on, everyone in the class looked at you. Of course, knowing this, I could feel my face get red, and my forehead start to perspire for the fact that she probably was looking at me. I knew that I would at all cost have to avoid eye contact. It seemed that I made myself refuse the fact that there could have been an interest in me. I had never had rejection and was not looking to being rejected and if that meant to not talk to a girl, then that what was going to happen. Weird way of looking at my love life huh? After reviewing the homework, the Professor instructed us that in two weeks, we were going to have presentations where we had no time to prep. She was going to call us one by one to the front of the class and she would give us a subject. We then were required to talk about personal experiences, stuff we knew about the topic, and anything related to the subject and at the end, the Professor and the students would ask questions related to what was said or the topic that the student did not cover and the student would have to elaborate about that. Now obviously the measure of the grade was to show the Professor whether or not you were able to converse on the spot and as well, how well grammar, sentence structure, fluency, and word usage was. She said that she was going to partner us up today and the next class. We were going to give our partner possible subject topics and we had to listen to them talk entirely in German to us. Then from there, we would try to help them practice fluency and proper conjugation based on subject. She would choose a person this week and another one next week because all of us were at different levels of certain aspects of the language. Some where great at conjugation, while others were great at being able to tell almost a story entirely in the language. I choose “What is my current occupation” and “Where do I see myself after I graduate”, as my topics to talk about. These seem like topics that would allow me to talk for the entire 7 minutes that we were supposed to talk for. I was able to get almost 5 minutes out of it with my partner. He thought that it was great for everything with the exception of the fact that I needed to either elaborate more, or talk about the subject more on another tangent. I felt kind of flattered and thought that I should do well. When the class was over, I went back to my desk and started packing my things up. I felt actually kind of good, because of what my partner said about my conversation being really well, and all I needed to do was ramble more on the topic. I was finished and put my bag over my shoulder but looked at Angelika while I was doing this. She was looking back. It was about a 3 second period of us just looking at each other from her desk to my desk, which was only about 6 feet away. I knew that there was something there, a hidden dark message in her that why did I choose to ignore her the entire day. I could have made the smallest of gestures and just waived, or walked by and smiled. But, one could say, I made an effort to ignore her. She then turned around and walked out the classroom without saying anything to me or anyone else. I stood there for about another 5 seconds trying to figure out what it meant. I know it was a huge mistake now, but at that time, I could not help but tell myself that she did not like me. There was no basis that I can argue for this fact. Truth of the matter is that there was a 90% chance that she did want me to ask her out. She could have ignored me that day when we met and she could have even ended the conversation and not give me her phone number but in reality, she did make that effort. No girl would make that effort if she did not want something, and it is possible she was just looking for a friend. But now that I have an opportunity to look back on this day and see the look of hurt, anger, and maybe disappointment I have come to realize that it was more than what my inexperienced mind thought of at the time.
The following Tuesday came and I knew that most of the day we would be spending the day practicing for the presentations that were scheduled to start next Tuesday butm the Professor overheard us talking and said that we all sounded for the most part prepared. And because of that, we would start the presentations Thursday. The Professor started pairing us up and I was paired up with Angelika’s new girlfriend in the front of the class. And cause I was the guy, I for sure was going to have to get out of my desk and go to the front where her girlfriend was. This meant, that I had to sit in Angelika’s desk. I cannot even being to describe how uncomfortable I was at this thought. I of course made sure that she was with her partner and then I went over to her desk. But sitting in her chair knowing that her stuff was underneath me on the floor gave me a nervous feeling because I knew at anytime, she could come to her desk to grab something from her bag and there would have to be some sort of contact between us. And of course, my wish that I never, ever wanted to come true did. During the exercise, my partner and I started taking notes and trying to come up with questions so that we would be prepared with on the spot type of scenario regarding the topic. My partner was talking and she was maybe about two minutes into her dialogue regarding “My favorite vacation” when Angelika came to the desk. She went directly for her backpack not trying to disturb her friend from talking. I was trying so hard, to be attentive to my partner but it was futile. I kept staring at my paper trying to look out of the corner of my left eye to see what she was doing. She was looking at me the same way that I was looking at her. We were both waiting for a sign, an action, a gesture so that the other one could know what the other person was thinking. I so longed to be able to talk to her and simply say a simple word such as “Hi”, but it never came out and she could no longer procrastinate the fixing of her backpack without drawing attention that she was staying there longer than she needed. She got up and walked away. This was probably a bigger blow than I realize. I now made an upfront, to her face, effort to ignore her presence.
To this day, I do not know what she was looking for in her bag. It may have been something that she needed or an excuse to try to see if I would respond to her being near me. And for the 2nd time, I chose to turn my cheek to someone the probably had a great interest in me for the fact of the effort she made for me, and then knowing that I had pretty much rejected her. I look back on this moment and reflect that I never meant any harm to such a wonderful person. But when one is ignorant and shy, it is never a good combination and one must understand that a person that can bring the quiet one to talk, needs to continue that path, if something is to spark.