Query Letter / Beyond The Dreams - Synopsis

You might want to hold out on the ending. The idea would be to get the attention of the publisher and make the want to read what you wrote. It’s a good idea, I liked where the story is going. I would try to hit them with the interesting parts of the story then have them guessing what is going to happen next. Then you might get a solid response. Good Luck.

Axia, a genetically and physically altered alien slave, (add comma after slave)

Axia, a genetically and physically altered alien slave finds her whole existence shifting unexpectedly after her trusted Master betrays her. (This is a great scenario, but I think I would focus more on Axia’s goal in this story.  Her world shifts unexpectedly, but what is her purpose for going on the journey that takes place in the story?)

The overall story concept sounds good, as do the characters.  I like that there is a romantic subplot between Erin and Axia.  You also have several great scenarios that present challenging conflicts for your protagonist.  However, in the synopsis, it seems as if your protag is more reactive and proactive.  It seems like she has all of these horrible things happen to her and is reacting to them, but not making active decisions that drive the story forward.  Also, I’m not quite sure what her “flaw” is in this story.  You have some great external sruggles going on, but what is her internal struggle and how is she changed at the end of the story?

I like the way you end the synopsis and have set the story up to possibly be continued in a sequel.  

Keep up the good work!

Now if you are talking about a brief synopsis to put into a query letter than this might work if you just clean up the typos I found but imagine this is what you are reading on the back of the book sleeve – if you read this, would this entice you to buy the book?

Rule # 1 – make sure your synopsis is free of any and all grammar and spelling errors:

Some of the typos I found
she knows nothing about is a challenged for – change to challenge
she is conditioned to listen to the hydride persona – hybrid??
she is the prisoner – change to she is a prisoner

If you need a detailed synopsis then read on:

Rule #2 – For a synopsis, it seems kind of short – of course some agents/publishers want a one page – but most ask for 2 pages or usually never more than 7 pages.

Rule #3 – Motivation – yes cut out all the extra adjectives, adverbs, etc but what is her motivation for living? Why doesn’t she just give up? After all if this is how she was raised – why would she all of a sudden just change?

Here is a link to a website that gives examples of synopsis – http://www.charlottedillon.com/SynopsisSamples.html

And the rest of this I got from another website

1.  Introduce and describe your protagonist.  And by describe I don’t mean a detailed physical description.  Use three adjectives that convey your protagonist’s personality.  For example:  Stubborn, shy and warm hearted, Joe Smith faces the worst day of his life.

2.  Then, tell what it is that your protagonist lacks or wants and how far he/she would go to get it.  This is his/her motivation.

3.  Introduce and describe the antagonist.

4.  Introduce the conflict which is usually that the antagonist wants the same thing the protagonist wants and they both can’t have it.  This can range anywhere from getting the girl next door or retrieving a missing nuclear bomb.

5.  Then give a compelling telling (active verbs, strong adjectives)of the major plot line concentrating on all the obstacles your protagonist must over come along the way.  And, be sure to include how the book ends.  The editor/agent you’re pitching it to will need to know that it has a satisfactory ending.

6.  I don’t know what length of novel you’ve written but I would strongly advise keeping it as close to five as is inhumanly possible.  You’ll feel like you can’t get it any shorter, but you always can.

I hope this critique helps you and good luck!

Crap, I spoiled the story for myself. I like where the stories goes.

Axia does not know anything but violence and the trusty relationship she shares with her breeder.-You mention she’s a gladiator but that she knows nothing about violence. So is she introduced to this violent world as a passive alien? And is she not aware of the relations with her breeder at all? Or do you mean throughtout the story does she development a trusty relationship with her breeder? That’s the only sentence that made me go, huh?

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August 17, 2009

by CSNS

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I’m sorry, I should have mentioned the spoiler. Thanks for reviewing.

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