Thanks hun! I appreciate the input. And that was you being kind, so it is appreciated. :)
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Rhythm of the Rain - Chapter 2
Chapter 2
The footprint in the mud had become less visible as it continued to be assaulted by the rain. While Lt. Brian Grey of the Aeron Creek Police Department felt that it was a great indicator as to where the suspect had fled, it wasn’t exactly what you would call a lasting piece of evidence. It not like forensics was going to be able to determine anything in this downpour.
Which reminds me, Brian thought, what the hell is up with those guys? Rush job or not, I should have seen them at the scene, period. Continuing to stare at the footprint, Brian attempted to collect his thoughts about his visit to the scene. Something was almost tickling the back of his brain; his instincts practically screaming that me had missed something. Maybe he had, maybe he hadn’t. He assured himself he did the best he could with the leeway that he had been given at the scene….
The huge buzz of activity surrounding the crime scene had been no surprise to Brian when he had arrived. Despite the late hour, word of murder at the McGuire house had spread like wild fire through a small town of sixty thousand like one would expect. Several neighbors and what Brian had assumed were members of the local press had already gathered outside the gated wall around the McGuire property. Despite the rain, the gawkers and concerned Aeron’s Creek citizens huddled next to the gate, straining to see up to the main house and get answers.
Despite having been there before several times, Brian never failed to be impressed by the McGuire estate. Every time the gates opened to allow passage, he always felt that mouth dropping sense of awe when the house fell into focus.
Being the home of the region’s most successful real estate mogul, big was a given. However, just the mere construction of the house was akin to writing the word “massive” on it. Straight across for over one hundred years, the three story brick building granted a visitor the impression of an impenetrable and interminable fortress. For all Brian knew, that had been intentional when the house was built all those years ago. Despite the rain, light blared from several of the lattice windows, showing that the entirety of the household was awake and dealing with the situation.
Chewing on a pen, Brian followed the main drive as far he could go and positioned his car behind a patrol car, blazing like a lighthouse in the darkness. Parking, Brian exited his vehicle and headed for the front door. But before he reached the massive set of door at the front of the house, Brian had already spotted the uniformed officer in charge of keeping the scene secure.
He hadn’t learned much about Anne Summers in the six months since she moved here from Boise. Standing five foot nine in a police uniform, she wore an expressionless mask on her face as she secured the area in front of the yellow line of tape over the front door. She had come into the department with an obvious grudge again anyone who found a redheaded woman with a decent figure and being a cop an unlikely combination. Whether she had something to prove to herself, others, or both, she had made it clear from the get go that she was all cop, regardless of gender or dress size. Brian could respect that. Having something to prove to a small town police department was something that he could relate to.
She also made it very clear that she did not mind Detective Brian Grey’s company in the slightest. Upon seeing Brian, Anne’s stoic expression melted into a grin. Her green eyes danced as she watched the detective approach.
“So, the desk jockey finally deigns to make an appearance at our little soiree?” she teased, placing he hands on her hips, “to what do we owe the pleasure? Did sitting at home reading about old serial killers get old? Or are just here to show us how it’s done; walk in and wrap this up Sherlock style?”
Brian took the pen out of his mouth felt a small smile tug at the edges of his mouth as he raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Well, if you’re so concerned about being done early, you can just skip to the part where you join the rest of the guys out there in the rain searching for our suspect,” he responded, “or better yet, flooded bridge traffic duty.”
“You wouldn’t dare, “ she warned with a mocking glower as Brian went up the three small steps to the front door.
“Try me,” he said, looking at her as a mischievous grin broke out over his features, “I haven’t slept in almost twenty four hours. It brings out the bastard in me.”
“So basically you haven’t slept in the past six months,” she asked, eyebrows waggling. He chuckled and looked in the front door that she had been standing in front of. “But seriously, what’s up with the delay?”
“The Scott Street Bridge is out due to flooding,” he responded, “And what delay, I just got the call twenty minuets ago. Detour included, that’s some great response time.”
“Whatever you say, Detective,” Anne responded, here eyes twinkling while she chuckled.
“No respect,” Brian muttered loudly, “seriously, I get no respect.” Turing from the officer, Brian took his first look at the scene.
He could see the brightly lit foyer with the marbles floors. A staircase on the right stood next to a hallway that Brian suspected lead to the kitchens. Light from the spacious open doorways on both sides of the entryway added to the illumination. Between that woodwork and the marble, Brain couldn’t help but appreciate how beautiful of a home this was. The walls bore white wallpaper offset by a green floral pattern flecked with gold. An exquisitely carved dark mahogany banister ran up the staircase to an airy second floor landing. A small table stood next to staircase, made of a similar variety of wood with a magnificently arranged bouquet of flowers in a simple glass vase. An honest-to-God crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling of the second level over the entry, painting the entire foyer in a warm, muted white light.
It was too bad that the body of Jonathan McGuire Jr. was marring the whole aesthetic.
“Jesus,” Brain muttered quietly to himself. Sure, this wasn’t the first body he had seen, not by a long shot. This was also not the most gruesome scene he had ever investigated. However, seeing the bloodied body of a twenty-four year old man was not something you were ever supposed to get used to. In private, Brian made damn sure that it would always bother him, get to him, and keep him up at nights. In his opinion, only by letting such things affect him could he make sure that he always had the drive and urge to stop such things from happening and make sure that those responsible could never do it again.
Brian lifted up the yellow tape across the open front door and stepped under it. He could see into living room to the right and the dinning room to the left, also cordoned off with police tape. There bore similar styles as the rest of the house as far he could see. He was convinced that most of the front rooms of the manor house was to show off for any visitors.
.
No. No way. The old man doesn’t have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance. Not at all, Brian thought bitterly, putting the pen back in his mouth and chomping down.
Bodies aside, Brian always felt comfortable at a crime scene. Though he would never admit to anyone, being in such places gave him an opportunity to make sense out of the chaos and the random events of this world; to feel in control by piecing together the circumstances.
“When’s forensics arriving?” he asked Anne, still taking in the full scope of the scene before he began concentrating on the details.
“Already been here,” she replied, joining him on the bloodier side of the tape and handing him a small tackle box, “They left a kit for you, just in case. Captain had them all in and working on it, hence why it got done so quickly. The ME is holding off waiting for you to have a look.”
“What the hell? Why the rush?” Brian asked, turning to the officer.
“Old man wanted the body removed post haste,” she said, meeting his gaze.
Brian turned his eyes towards the body and did his best to keep his surprise and displeasure at these revelations to himself. It wasn’t a smart idea for the forensics team to start without the lead investigator at the scene. He chewed harder on the pen in his mouth while he tried to process the thought.
“You okay?” Anne asked, a puzzled expression creeping over her face.
“Um.. yeah,” Brian responded, “sorry, just got in the zone for a moment.”
“Okay,” she replied, not sounding entirely convinced, “don’t forget this.” She thrust the forensics kit towards his hand.
Brian nodded, accepting the kit, and knelt down by the body.
Thankfully, Brian could not see JJ’s face. Though it had only been a short time since he had died and serious decomposition had not set in, it made it easier. Clad only in a blue and white striped pajama bottoms, the discoloration of his back was slowly creeping all over as what was left of the victim’s blood was settling in the front section of the body. The rest of that blood was congealed in a pool under the body. The cause of death was plainly seen by a singular brown and blue hole on the victim’s back approximately the size of a quarter.
He had met JJ at few times, usually at some social event that the department practically blackmailed him into attending. Handsome, wealthy, and a known womanizer, it was hard not to have run into JJ once or twice in such a small town. He had been a decent guy, as far as Brian could remember. It had been such a shame that he came from such a controlling, egotistical asshole like McGuire senior.
Son of a jerk off or not, no one deserved to be shot, lying on the floor of your family home, face down in a pool of your own blood.
Hope I can bring you some peace, JJ, Brian thought, wherever you are. Standing up, he scanned the room looking for the telltale markers left by the forensics team was to points of interest.
Brian’s eyes were immediately drawn to several crimson splotches on the wall following the staircase. The first had a bright blue tag in the shape of an arrow pointing towards it, as did the second, smaller one. His eyest continued up the stairway, notice several more, smaller splotches. Standing up, Brian walked up the staircase, to the landing at the top. From this point, looking down at the body, he could here faint voices down the hallway on the first floor. He could make out a faint sob, as well as a small, quiet rumbling voice.
“Who’s in with the witness?” Brian asked.
“Brummel and the Captain,” Anne said, raising an eyebrow. “They’re going to take them down town in just a little bit.”
“Both the sergeant and the captain?” Brian exclaimed, eyes going wide, “The old man calling in all the markers, isn’t he?”
Anne didn’t say anything, but he could see in her eyes that she shared the exact same opinion of McGuire that Brian did.
Brian looked down again at the body, pausing to take it all in. His gaze started at the pool of blood down below what was left of JJ and moved slowly back up the stairs to his position. His eyes were drawn to the wallpaper on the wall going up the stairs. It was some floral design, probably picked by the late Mrs. McGuire, or whatever decorator she hired.
Sighing, he reached into the kit that Anne had handed him and pulled out a pair of latex gloves, snapping them on. He placed his fingertips lightly against the wall.
“What do you see?” Anne asked him, her gaze following him.
“He wasn’t show down there. He was shot up here. There is an exit wound,” he responded.
“Yeah, and…?”
“Where’s the blood spatter? Or a bullet hole?”
Anne tilted her head as she looked at the detective.
“Could someone have moved the body?” she asked after a moment’s pause, “make it look like he was shot while trying to escape?”
Brian shook his head.
“Two things say no to that. First, if he had been shot trying to escape through the door, the blood along the steps wouldn’t be there at all. Its just small trace amounts that practically blend into the wallpaper. Only the one closest to the bottom steps is even marked by forensics.”
“Okay, that fits. I guess that is what we get for a rushed forensics job, “ Anne conceded, “but what is the other reason?”
“Simply put, bleeding that much, if the body had been moved, there would be a large blood trail from someone dragging that much dead weight. It would appear to start up here,” he said, indicating a spot about a foot above the first step from the top, “and stops down there. It also would have soaked into the carpet. Also, there is a lot of blood under that body, strongly suggesting that me might had been shot up there, fell down the stairs, and landed there and bleed out. ME will probably be able to confirm that. “
“Some one could have cleaned up after themselves,” Anne suggested.
“Not if the blood had soaked through the carpet,” Brian countered, “At least, they couldn’t have cleaned it up and have it bone dry by the time we got here.”
He placed his hand on the wall again; feeling for something that his eyes told him wasn’t there. Where was it, the piece of this puzzle that would send all the rest of them falling into place?
“So we have a victim shot on the second story, but little to no evidence to support that,” Anne concluded, “at least, at first. We’re getting statements presently.”
The pieces were not making sense to Brian. How could someone be shot on the second floor, fall bleeding down the step, and land at the bottom, dead and bleeding out, with out leave an bullet hole or a blood splatter where he was shot.
“Who were the witnesses?” Brian asked, not taking his eyes from the wall.
Anne pulled a small steno pad from her pocked and flipped them open.
“One is the victims sister, the other is a maid. And from what I can see,” she added, peering down the hallway to the kitchen, “they’re taking them out the back now. You going to with go with them?”
Brian was about to answer affirmative, but something was gnawing at his stomach about this scene. Sure, he still only had pieces, but something seemed off. Part of him wanted to just shrug it off as getting older and more suspicious, but he wasn’t sure.
“No, I’ll get there in a bit. Just want to get this all in my head before I go talk to them. Where was the victims father at the time?”
“Sitting with an air tight alibi… he was with the Captain at that Breast Cancer fundraiser,” she replied, “he’s already waiting downtown with his lawyer wreaking havoc.”
With an almost thunderous crack, Anne’s police radio blared to life. Brian ignored what it was saying, again, staring at the staircase wall with an intense furrow of concentration on his face. What was he missing?
“Ten four. Sir?”
“Huh?” Brian replied, snapping out of his contemplation.
“Tip just called in,” Anne reported, “Suspect mentioned by the witness reported seen across from Karen’s Diner going across Hwy 31 into the woods.”
“That was mighty quick,” Brain spat, scowling at the officer, “We already have a tip for a suspect whose name isn’t even dry on the Captain’s note pad yet?”
“Don’t shoot the messenger. Captain wants you down there ASAP.”
“What!?!” Brian exclaimed, starting down the stairs, “I’m supposed to go help with a manhunt when the are witness to be questioned?”
“See above, R -E : messenger shooting,” Anne replied calmly, placing he hands up in surrender. Then she shrugged, “I’ve got to stay here till the ME arrived to take the body.”
Removing the gloves and carefully descending the stairs, Brian returned the forensics kit to Anne with a scowl shaking his head.
“Give me the heads up if you notice anything else,” he stated, looking back out into the rain.
“Will do, Detective,” Anne chimed, watching him.
Shaking his head, he had stepped back out into the rain…..
It was about an hour later when Brian first found himself in front of Kaileigh Barnes’s footprint. Whether or not he had missed something, Brian knew his job. Right now, all he had was a millionaire’s dead soon, the victim’s girl on the run, and more questions than answers.
Standing in the rain, looking from the footprint to the woods that it lead to, Brian could only come to one immediate conclusion: This really sucks.
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ThePerpetuallyLostCellPhone reviewed Version 1 -
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FleaTheElf reviewed Version 1 -
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his instincts practically screaming that me had missed something – me should be he.
Despite the late hour, word of murder at the McGuire house had spread like wild fire through a small town of sixty thousand like one would expect – I would take out ‘like one would expect’, based upon your assertion of news spreading in a small town, the reading can figure out on their own that ‘one would expect this’, I have this same problem when I write but sometimes you have to trust your reader to put two and two together on things like this.
Every time the gates opened to allow passage, – eliminate ‘to allow passage’, this is another example of giving too much information that a reader would already know (okay, I’ll stop giving examples of this now and focus on the story)
In his opinion, only by letting such things affect him could he make sure that he always had the drive and urge to stop such things from happening and make sure that those responsible could never do it again. – I know I promised to focus on the story but I suggest rewriting this sentence, it was a bit of a doozy to read.
I liked the banter between Brian and the female cop, though her first bit of dialogue doesn’t seem too realistic to me – she says a lot just to ask a single question. I think you could get rid of at least one of her lines to make this flow better.
Another small annoyance that I’ve noticed is that you tend to use names too much. In one particular paragraph, you seem to alternate between Brian and he when you can just use he the entire time; when there are no other characters, you can use pronouns the majority of the time – it makes your story read easier.
I noticed that as I read, there seemed to be more careless mistakes as far as spelling and grammar. Again, I know that you’re most interested in opinions of the story but I can’t stress how important it is to get this stuff right. A quick readthrough of your own work should eliminate most of these issues; having so many errors makes the reader wonder whether how important this work is to the writer.
But with that said, I am certainly a fan. I just read the first chapter and the prologue and I immediately went to find chapter 2. As far as the story goes, I think this was a solid second chapter, showing the aftereffects from the opening chapter. Keep writing – and editing! – and I look forward to the next part.
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deathspeaker reviewed Version 1 -
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ok, just a few things and I will try my best to be “kind” (although dearie, you know that word rarely reaches my vocabulary.)
1-if the rain is coming down so hard, why is he not hastilytaking measurements of the footprint? I understand that it may be disintigrating too quickly to get a copied imprint, but he could at least measure approx. length and depth and width. SOMEthing is better than nothing.
2-Don’t tell us that the house is considered massive. Give us details! this is supposed to be an impressive house, so show us. tell us about the unique features of the architecture. go into detail to show us what kind of people the residents are.
3-”Chewing on a pen, Brian followed the main drive as far he could go and positioned his car behind a patrol car, blazing like a lighthouse in the darkness.” too much going on in this sentence! simplify just a bit. (ex: “Brian followed the drive as far as he could before parking behind a patrol car.” -I would leave out the blazing and the chewing. Neither seem overtly important enough to mention. You can put the pen chewing someplace else if it is needed, but the rest is just overzealous fluff.)
4- “she wore an expressionless mask on her face” I know you don’t mean literally, but remember there are morons who will think you did. maybe switch it around to be a simile instead: Her face was expressionless, like a mask…
“Did sitting at home reading about old serial killers get old?” (play a guessing game :)
I’m trying to form the timeline to figure out how long your forensics team was there…it seems too quick. Even with 3 people they wouldn’t want to rush a high profile homicide investigation, even if the order is to get the body moved “post haste”
“See above, R -E : messenger shooting,” stop having every character speak like you. it makes them all sound the same, and gets boring.
“millionaire’s dead soon” dead son?
Over all I like this much better than how you had it before. It lets us in more, into the story and lets us get our feet wet a bit more. It also gives us a beter characterization of Brian, without having to get into too much “This is who he is!”
Let me know if youw ant me to nit pick more :) And feel free to read part 2 of my piece if you want, it won’t be revised for 2 weeks.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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show down there.-shot
millionaire’s dead soon-son
I really liked your notes…some people are we to picky when it comes to how much scifi is in the story. I really liked this…it distracted me from comedy central…which proves how drawn in I was. I was confused by the ending, but I realized this chapter ended where it started…overall I would read more.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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light blared: ”blared” is used to describe noise, you need a different word here
Nice addition of a new character. Good physical description and a look at her personality. Amusing interaction between the two, the banter-like play is a nice touch.
The description of the forensic scene is good. I don’t know where you got your source for the facts but they seem realistic enough to be believable in your story. Wouldn’t the police tape more likely be used outside and not inside. The inside of a crime scene is usually marked with chalk.
The description of the house seeming like a fortress makes Kaleigh’s escape seem inevitable. What has given Brian the hint of nymph—that has still not been explained.
As an aside, how about an explanation of why he chews on a pen. Is he an ex-smoker? Was he one of those people who chewed on pencils when he was in school? An explanation would be nice.
And this is sci-fi fantasy. At least in my book.
AProphetForHope reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, I’m going to hit everything as you asked which means grammar and technique first I’m afraid.
Use the active form of the verb – instead of ‘had become’ just use ‘became less visible’. Better still, rearrange that sentence for more punch – ‘The footprint in the mud began to vanish beneath the barrage of raindrops.” Try not to relate to too much in the past if you can write it as is it is unfolding as you are telling it. This way it feels as if the future is still uncertain and you increase the urgency to read on.
Just tell me what he felt/thought. Write things from his perspective I’ll understand where’s it’s coming from. Currently, it’s all very wordy. Just do ‘Hardly lasting evidence, thought Brian. It wasn’t like forensics could lift it now. It was a lead though.’
‘Which reminds me, he thought’ – no he didn’t. This is you talking to the reader not him thinking. The next bit after this, is him thinking. This is you info dumping. Just lose this little bit.
‘Continuing to’ – change to he continued for more punch.
‘that me had missed something’ – he’d missed?
‘town of sixty thousand’ – don’t believe it. Towns need to be a lot smaller than this for word to spread across town like this. My home town is 40k and I don’t know enough people for this to happen. 15-20k might be realistic though.
‘Brian had’ – lose had wherever you can. Every time you put it in there you’re creating a world that has been and gone not one that is unfolding whilst the reader is there watching. What’s been and gone isn’t interesting because it cannot change. See Dwight V. Swain and his ‘Techniques of the Selling Writer’ for more.
being the home of OR being home to the..
just the – drop just, it destroys your flow.
‘Despite the rain, light blared’ why despite the rain? Surely if it was raining you’d be more likely to expect lights on inside…
‘windows, showing’- suggesting but not showing.
‘Chewing on a pen,’ ‘Parking,’ – do you see the similarities in your sentence construction here. It’s a recurring theme and it’s because you aren’t writing in sequences yet. First, set the scene – write what your character sees and hears – this provides the stimulus for the following things. Second, give us any thoughts that pop instantly into you characters head in reaction to this stimulus- no one else’s head mind you, keep us in POV place at once. Third, give us the actions your character performs in reaction to the stimulus provided in (first). Finally, any speech you character may utter goes here. First, this reaction by the world can be either a new stimulus in reaction to your character’s actions or an untied event. Either way this new event provides the stimulus for your character’s subsequent movements etc.
All of the above keeps the story unfolding in strictly chronological order so the reader doesn’t get confused and so every stimulus prompts a reaction from your character.
‘Anne Summers’ – not that you’d know, I’m sure, but Anne Summers if a make of lingerie in the UK. Much like Victoria’s Secret in the US only less classy :)
‘grudge again’ – st?
Not sure on Anne’s description, it feels a little clunky but your dialogue is good. It’s cute and made me smile.
‘Turing from the’ – touring?
‘with the marbles floors’ – marble
‘beautiful of a home’ – your dialect creeping in here I think. ‘how beautiful a home’
I like the way you describe Brian’s motivation for doing his job. It’s an odd one and one that you don’t often hear. Mostly, it seems that law enforcement switch these things off. A worrying fact…
‘see into living room to the’ – in the living
‘There bore similar styles as the rest of the house as far he could see.’ They bore a similar
‘house was’ – were. Front rooms <- plural.
Forensic before the lead instigator… is that not counter protocol? Best to check.
Come on – cause of death is a very tricky business. Even after full autopsy doctors can disagree on the findings. Pure speculation on his part here methinks.
‘He wasn’t show’ – shot
‘dead soon’ – son
OK, I could get into the story as I like the fact that there are more questions than answers. I’d describe the body a bit sooner as you allude to it but don’t describe it – which is fine if you’re making a point and building up to a big expose of this horrible scene… but you’re not.
Apart from that and the points above you biggest problem is editing, or rather not editing. You need to edit your work more effectively. No publisher is going to touch you unless you can do the lion’s share of the work there.
All in all though, a good start!
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