Flash Fiction / The Shadow On My Shoulder

‘Alike’- ‘like’, in this instance. I think ‘alike’ is used if it’s the last word in the sentence.

I don’t think you ‘live’ a path. I think you’re confusing two phrases there. You might ‘walk’ the path, or live ‘a life’.

I have no idea what the last word means…

It’s also a bit dark to ‘warm hearts.’

This reads as more of a poem. I’m not holding that against you, per se, but what you leave the reader with at the end is a vague impression of emotions, not a plot.  What transpired here? I have no idea.  I can assign my own meanings to some of your symbols, but it doesn’t really do a whole lot to explain what is going on for the POV character.  It’s simply vague, even though it seems you are trying for surreal, dreamlike.  There’s a bit of word play, but even that is sloppy (“altogether” means ‘entirely’, when you mean ‘all together’).  You show promise, but this piece does not deliver.

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September 16, 2009

by cperger

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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25	M	Germany	October 22

you are quite correct, good sir. i wasn’t sure what i was even going for when i wrote it, only cared that it be written.

thanks for the review!

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Quite interesting. Are you sure this shouldn’t be in the poetry section? Anyway I like where your piece was going. There seems to be some confliction going on with the character that’s reaaly deep and should be developed. This could also make a very good opening for a short story or novel if you ever decided to go there.  

Maybe you should change the word “alike” to “like”--it seems to flow more to me.  ”Apart” should be “a part”--the word “apart” means separate, and you are saying that you are included in “the board”.