Haiku/Senryu / Love

This is lovely.  Your last line, “A soul for my own” makes me think of self-love—I don’t know if that was your intention…but “a soul for my own,” seems to me like you’re describing your own soul, rather than someone elses.  I don’t know if I would agree entirely or see that you could “own” someone else’s soul, that’s the only reason why I say that….    

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August 05, 2009

by nbcboy20

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3	100.0% (4 votes)	4.8%

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22	M	Warner Robins, GA	August 16

Yeah that last line does come off that way, but no that wasn’t my intention. I was going more for “A soul to match my own” but in fewer words of course.

August 05, 2009

by Ch0ronzon

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22	M	El Paso, TX	October 06

Well, there you go!  See, I think that line you just wrote is much better.  It even sounds more romantic.

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Overall a nice job with the imagery and the concept and, in particular, of remembering to show, not tell. But the second line seems just a bit cliche to me. It’s kind of a let down after the originality of the first line. Keep working at it.

Happy writing.

-K.S.

Not bad, though I’d suggest changing the middle line to “Hands forever holding hands” as that’s a little more active and present tense, which is what haikus are all about. Otherwise, good job.