Sci Fi & Fantasy / Work in Progress (Analysis)

“The room was dark and had a sinister air about it.”
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Do not tell us this, describe it. Make the room feel ominous.

“Three chairs were arranged in the middle of the room, they were of old, Victorian style.”
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Victorian style? There must have been more than one model of chair in victorian england. What model is it, possibly distinguish it for the reader, or don’t mention it as being victorian if that would take too long. (As not every object must immediately become visible to the reader, but when you bring specific attention to it, and do not properly describe it, that is when the issues arise.)

“age of 19 was lounging on one of the arms.”
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leaning instead of lounging. He was lounging on the chair I would think, and he was leaning on the arm. Lounging is something your entire body does.

“We need to get the boy, before the others find him. We have to leave tonight or it will be too late.” he man with green eyes said in a worried tone.”
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I don’t know if it is necessary to say “with a worried tone”. In fact, what is being said in the quote by default suggests a worried tone. Now if the man said it calmly, while smiling, this would be a detail not obvious to the reader by the context of the sentence and would have to be put into the sentence in this manner.

“tonight would be a grave mistake Jasper… I can feel it.”
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What? Was this the intended wording?

“The last time they did not trust his feeling World War II broke out.”
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feelings, world war two erupted. I think erupted is a more publishable phrase than broke out. I think it is good to say that someone broke out in pimples. And that a war erupts or initializes etc.

“It’s hard to see at a glance but is easy to notice once you know who you are looking for.”
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It was* (no conjunctions outside of dialogue ahhhhh)difficult to detect at a glance, but upon closer inspection is quite distinguishable and is their means of separating one another from humans. -Also, I recommend trying to make this into a twist within the story. Tease the golden rings as a means of identifying one another instead of simply coming out and telling the reader.

“Silas knocked on the door only to get no answer.”
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Silas knocked on the door of the house, but to no avail.

“Silas walked around the house and found a window that the boy had forgot to board up in the back of the home.”
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Forgotten Also, how would the boy forget one window… and if they were boarded, the muscles in these mens legs must be incredibly strong to run that fast, so they could just kick the boards in. I suggest changing this, to make for a more dramatic entrance into the house.

“Jasper lunged at the boy, just in before Jasper reaches him he leaps out of the way and runs toward the doorway forgetting about Silas as he is not visible at the moment.”
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Just in before? Did you forget that you were typing just in time, and then changed your mind on the wording? I have a feeling that is what happened there. Also, Silas is not visible at the moment? Details!!!...

“fistful his shirt”
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fistful of his shirt

“We aren’t amateurs. Next time think before you try to run from us, boy.” Silas said with a snarl, it seemed that the boy’s style of getting away was insulting to Silas. Silas bound his hands and feet together and threw him across his shoulder with ease.”
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He’s a kid though. I’m not sure why he would be expected to be slippery, and why Silas would take this as an insult to his skills or intelligence. Hmmm…

“Even though Silas had Milo on his back he ran as if he weighted nothing.”
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weighed

“Silas, please stop being so rude to the boy. If he is going to help us at all you will need to be polite.” Jasper said, once again with that intimidating voice. Silas looked at Jasper and reluctantly nodded in agreement. You could tell who was the leader of their coven.”
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Would a leader say please?

“The once enraged face was now full of questions and disbelieving.”
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Disbelief

Please read notes to the reviewed in profile.

- In the begining, I as a reader need more description of the enviroment and the first characters that we see. This is our first impression of the world that you creating. It needs to be a strong represenation of what you want us as a reader to see and understand. Flesh it out a bit.

- I would definatley reccommend a re read out loud for flow. You tend to overly favor the whole “Noun, verb.” “Noun, verb” sentence structure. This makes it a little choppy. You’ve got some good word choice, all you need to do is restructure some of the sentences for better flow.

- “We aren’t amateurs. Next time think before you try to run from us, boy.”  Damn good line.

- “Milo’s expression changed drastically.” Changed to what? You have the structure for a great story here. Flesh it out. Better desriptions of setting, more character insight via descriptions of actions, expression and/or internal monolouges will give this story the depth that it desrves. This becomes especially true at the begining of the next section.

Again, this is a great framework for a good story. Keep at it.  

“painted black with intricate gold designs”  the way you worded it sounds awkwardy

In almost no time they were in a small town of about 300 people—instead try “it took them almost no time to reach a town that was populated by about three hundred people.”  Has a better sound to it.

“found a window in the back of the house that the boy had forgotten to board up”  again, this way is better grammatically

Why not say “teach you how to use your powers”?  leave out the “for the lack of a better term”

leave out “pure” when describing decorations—you don’t need it

“you and I both is awkward”  why not “he would have killed both of us”?

conscience should be consciousness

First of all, you need to do a grammar check on this.  There were a lot of errors and I didn’t want to point them all out.  You need to revise your sentence structure and grammar check will help.  You’re also a little “wordy” in some of your sentences.  Some of them could be simplified and you would still have the effect you want to convey.

This has the makings of a fun, fantasy story, but it needs work.  You’re not expressing yourself well, but I sense potential.

You have some good ideas that struggle with themselves to be conveyed in the best possible way.  Hopefully the review can help you convey your story to the best of your abilities.

“We need to get the boy, before the others find him. We have to leave tonight or it will be too late.” – That should be your first line.  It offers more intrigue and suspense. Starting out with a description of the room is substantially less captivating.  The description of the room can come after you’ve hooked the reader.

Don’t be afraid to slow down the dialog so that everyone knows whats going on.  The dialog tags that follow the quotations can be limited to actions and this character said.  When you tell the reader that this dialog was informing someone, or even explicitly state how the speaker spoke, then you distract the reader from your story.  Those things will be evident from the context if presented in an effective manner.

If you can subtly insert the information that you have into the dialog tags your text will be way more engaging. Excellent dialog is sometimes when you don’t have to identify the speaker at all, the reader already knows by the situation and context.

Slowing down and addressing your dramatic, character plot points will draw the reader in to who your characters really are.  It’s obvious that you like your characters, but to get the reader to like them takes some convincing coaxing.

Your back and forth drama requires a subtle approach, and any cliche elements require an even more subtle approach.  I’m interested to see what you accomplish with future additions.

Watch how much you use specific words. “The man looked into Jasper’s deep green eyes as if trying to convey the importance to him through his eyes.” (eyes)
“Jasper slid on the robe and walked with Silas’ out of the room towards the door. Jasper opened the big door, it was at least 18 feet tall and made of Mahogany.”(door)

I’m not going to go into gramitical and spelling errors. I’ll help edit later if you would like.  You have a lot of present vs past in the same sentences
”...for he could not see him at the time. Out of nowhere Silas drops from the ceiling and lands in front” (dropped and landed or he didn’t see him before)

I also think this story has a very generic feel to it. So watch out for that. But your imagery is pretty good. I would watch how much speech you put into the story.

I don’t have time to read this all now, but I will read it and save you some of your credits and message you them when I get the chance.

Thank goodness this isn’t about vampires! I’m starting to get sick of them.

“The other man looked him in the eyes…The man looked into Jasper’s deep green eyes as if trying to convey the importance to him through his eyes.” only one of these sentences is needed since they mean the same thing.

“that is how they distinguish” the word ‘is’ is present tense. you should change it to past tense (was) if you want to keep this same flow throughout the story. You change tenses a couple times.

“thunder and lighting” lightning, not lighting

You have beautiful, thorough descriptions. Nice job.

“only graced the boy’s clothes” i think you mean grazed instead of graced.

I think you could elaborate more on the capture of Milo. It happens too fast.

Is this a whole chapter? It’s a lot happening to pack into one chapter. The overall pacing of this excerpt could be slowed down. I suggest the first chapter should only last up to the part where Jasper and Silas capture Milo.

This is an excellent story idea you have here. You have what it takes to be a wonderful writer. Great job!

How stupid does this boy think we are? -LOL

“W need-We

I really like the ring around the eyelid thing…it’s kind of believable that we can over look that. Things are still a little unclear about them…like the time period and how Milo lived before being recruited. This isnt Twilight 2…mainly because it isnt a boring love story..also good job of stepping away from vamps..kind of overdone. Even though Silas and Jasper arent really that young…they;re come off as two grumpy old men…add some hip to them a little.

Three chairs were arranged in the middle of the room, they were of old, Victorian style. These are two sentences that need a connecting word in between them or just make them two different sentences.
Second paragraph, first page, you use worried back to back. I suggest erasing the first and leaving the second.
I noticed you have a choppy transition going from action to explaining something.I’m sure you can fix this, and it’s almost a turn off to this interesting plot and clearly defined characters you’re shaping up.
Thunder doesn’t strike the ground.
he weighted / weighed.
Hmm..very different though the idea of superhumans isn’t new, but this like a revival of it. I look forward to reading more. Kudos for the names by the way.

In regards to Coven/Clan, there is also Kinfolk or Tribe. Coven doesn’t remind me as much of vampires as it does witches, but I haven’t read twilight either.

In the first of the three chairs -Youve already described 3 chairs, so I would use something like, In the first sat a boy no older than 19, who was lounging… or in the first chair…This way it doesn’t sound redundant.

He looked as if he [were] deep in thought -were

while his face was expressionless. -while the rest of his face was expressionless. Or while the rest of his face displayed no other emotion.

looked around at the other two -little lost, sorry. You said only 2 of 3 chairs had people in them. Since you describe 1, I thought there was only 1 other person there with the boy. In this sentence you say he looks at the other 2. Be clear. Is there a 3rd standing near them? (I realzed you say later there is only 1 man, so he looked at the other 2 what? Chairs? Not sure, please clear that for me.)

looked around at -Looked at, you can’t look around at somebody. You can look AT them or not look at them. Or he looked around and then at them. (Sorry, don’t get upset, I just review as I feel while reading. I am not trying to be overly critical and you don’t have to use any of it, it is your story =-P)

boy first and use the boy against them -boy first and use him against them.

that is how they identify each other from the humans. -identify doesn’t seem the right word here. Maybe how they separate their identities from humans? Or distinguish, detect the difference, single out who was human and who wasn’t…

around them both-omit both

run with superhuman speed east -run eastward with super human speed.

just in before Jasper reaches him he leaps out of the way and runs toward the doorway forgetting about Silas, as he is not visible at the moment. Out of nowhere Silas drops from the ceiling and lands in front of him, blocking anyway out. Jasper grabs a fistful his shirt from behind. -You changed tense in this scenario. You went from past tense to present tense back to past. Be careful with that. Jasper reached, he lept and ran, he was not visable. Slias dropped and landed, jasper grabbed, etc.

if he weighted nothing -weighed

(Is Silas and Jasper are really that old, in your opening sentence, try: sat a boy who looked to be no older than 19. Then it gives us an opening for later that something may be different about him.)

W need to act fast -we

And quickly, how did this man get into their house? From what you described the lock opens only with their hands…?

It seemed Milo was banging on the door to know what was happening -take out It seemed. Say Milo was banging on the door…

I am glad you left it open for more. Work on your tense, and be careful not to go back and forth with it. This has some potential but needs some cleaning up. Good job with keeping suspense and not giving to much away.