You are not way off. There probably are mistakes. It is the dying of an ideal that might not should have been thought of. Thank you, Sandi
Poetry / Ashes of Roses (Analysis)
You, my moon in the distant heavens
I the rose in the garden of your heart
Your arc of light shines down on my petals
Enhancing their beauty
But what is a rose but a reflection of summer
That lasts only as long as the season
Without the wind's kiss, and warm drenching rains
My petals wither, scorched by the bloody sun
Bleached by your luminosity
Parched and turned to red dust
Ashes of roses.
All that is left of your seasonal flower.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Nosnibor reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Some nice images here – the bloody sun stands out in particular, and some well-chosen poetic words (luminosity is great) – but for me the overall concept is a little cliche. That said, it’s well executed and is reminiscent of traditional / renaissance poetry.
- add/view comments (1)
Odnelem reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I like the use of “but” twice in the same line, however I’m not sure the flow is smooth enough. Maybe the two “but”’s are too close. I have to read it a certain way for it to sound right. Perhaps that’s your intent. The last four lines are a treasure. This speaks to me a love that has worn out its time, probably ending badly.
I’m probably way off, but I was trying to figure out if the “moon” and “sun” are two separate people here. Perhaps the “moon” is a positive influence while the “sun” is an intimidating parent – “reflection of summer” as in, summer = sun and reflection = in the parent’s image. I like it, but I’m a bit confused as to what it really means.
tigerland87 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
A very nice poem good job with the descriptions and mood of the writing. I also like the ending it fits quite well even though it is a little sad. But I suppose the slight sadness can not be helped. Keep up the good work.
1ben reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
The shift in this poem from up to downbeat is very quick! It is conscise in its job; to show the beauty of a rose and the awe of the moon suddenly crash to the ephemera of the seasons and ashes – no doubt alluding in metaphor to a relationship and its end. It is good for what it is, but I find it a little cliched in its content and use of imagery; it is too blatant and there is not enough subtelty in really describing whatever moment or emotion you are trying to unpack into prose. I think that roses and the universe – as well as the images you use – are more deserving of a richer document than you present
TerJa reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very nice images and word picture. You are describing a summer love.
I have two suggestions. Start line five with “For” rather than “But.” ”For is a softer word. Also in line eight I think “heartless” is a more descriptive word than “bloody” unless you are going for the rising or setting sun image. (and I didn’t think you were.)
Good stuff, write on.
Persephone reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is lovely. I especially like “parched and turned to red dust.” You use metaphor well.
ShelbyRayne reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Totally excellent! If I were a rose I would have to
say you captured me perfectly!
My favorite line: “Without the wind’s kiss, and warm drenching rains”, although I am not sure why, so I can’t tell you!
It definately gives one that “fuzzy” feeling!
If all of your poems are like this, I would love to read more!
Congrats and I think this should be published!
recherche reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
absolutely sublime … the first three lines are captivating , which in turn , enraptures the poem’s flow and beauty ! I am delighted to read such quality ! Love the title , which should always capture the eye of the reader !
TravisMaximus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It lacks structure. without structure, poetry becomes mindless ranting. Also, when constructing an image, make sure it is an image people can relate to or identify with. Its cool to be esoteric and abstract, the ‘bloody sun’ image doesn’t quite come across as anything but juvenille pretension. Your initial line ‘moon in the distant heavens’ was a better one though. Personally I would have tweaked it a little bit. Maybe something like: “You are a celestial sphere, shining bright in the midnight of my heart.”
amber86 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is beautiful Really lovely imagery, I especially love the last four lines. I am no expert on poetry, so I can only give critique from a reader’s perspective. And in that regard it reads wonderfully and flows beautifully, invocking a very evocative scene. Well done!
Showing 1 - 10 of 17
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
9 Reviews 9 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 29 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 17 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |