Thanks so much for your great review. It definitely needs a little more detail and a little editing. Glad you enjoyed it:)
Flash Fiction / Carnival in the Mist
Marcello awoke before the sun rose on the day of Santo Stefano, 26th December 1789. He sat up straight on his sleeping matt, his body fizzing with anticipation of the day to come. He could feel the city stirring, its great masses breathing with repressed excitement as the long awaited celebrations drew close.
He was a servant of a great house on the beautiful Venetian Grand Canal. The nobles he served treated him as any servant would expect to be treated: with quiet disdain.
But not today.
Marcello crossed his small sleeping quarters to where a large wooden box stood. He opened it and pulled out its contents.
The mask was beautiful.
It was a Bauta, the most famous of venetians masks. It concealed the face of its wearer completely, was guilded in gold and decorative beading, and had no mouth. It was often worn by nobles so they could mix with the common people. Today it was worn my Marcello.
The mask, cloak and headdress were donned, and Marcello was anyone, and no one. Today he could be the richest of men, or the poorest of men. Today he was equal.
The sky was lightening. Soon, sunlight would be bouncing of the water. Marcello was ready. He turned and walked to the window, thrusting it open and staring out onto the Canal.
Mist.
Great swirling clouds of mist rose off the water. It was thick and wet. Marcello peered through his mask. He could make out figures walking along the bridge and sidewalk, or floating on the gondolas. And then colour. A mask came out of the cloudy air. Red and gold. Music was playing and then all he could see were headdresses and cloaks, masks and glimmering colours. People. All unrecognisable, all anyone they wanted to be.
“Carnivale!” Marcello cried into the mist.
“Carnevale di Venezia!”
The Carnival of Venice.
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JTstories reviewed Version 1 -
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Bibelot reviewed Version 1 -
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Needs a visual spell check.
- Today it was worn by Marcello.
- Soon, sunlight would be bouncing off the water.
Try: Marcello awoke before sunrise on the day of
Try: Drew near, or- drew closer
Is English your second language? This story tastes Italian. You have done remarkably well with atmophere in this piece. It is written simply, as simply as a servant in that era would think. Thank you for writing it.
Bibelot
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Hektor_Thillet reviewed Version 1 -
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Love your settings, moods, and descriptions. You set this story in 1800 Italy, I’ve never been, yet your setting feels like the real thing to me. I like your conflict in the story; is an old one. I also like that it doesn’t try to be clever nor moral. Feels more like a classic scenario immortalized. Could be a bit tighter and offer a bit more material for the imagination to run free with this… Other than that, is like looking at a pleasant baroque painting.
Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this, I felt an interest in the character from outset. You gave us just enough information to appreciate who he was and the life he lived as a servent. The anonymity the mask would give him and everyone who would be attending the carnival.
I definitely feel you could adapt this into a short story as I would love to know what occured during the carnaval and how Marcello came to be wearing the Bauta. Was he from a noble family who the became poor? If you did keep it as a piece of flash fiction maybe you could include more about him getting dressed. How the material felt, how it fit him etc.
Overall I enjoyed it though.
Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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Considering what there is this was good. I would change the way you present the date though make is something he sees and acknowledges, instead of just being stated to the reader.
The mention of Mist was nice.
All in all good work.
Gavinswar
Apatheticwriter13 reviewed Version 1 -
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“sleeping matt” should be sleeping mat
“The nobles he served treated him as any servant would expect to be treated: with quiet disdain.” I like this line, it subtly sets the tone for the story.
“worn my Marcello” worn by Marcello
“Mist.
Great swirling clouds of mist rose off the water.” Kinda redundant use of the word mist there.
Interesting little piece you have here. I like the lush language, it really evokes this exotic but mysterious mood. Your focus on this servant character Marcello lets us see an otherwise ignored POV.
The way he seems fascinated with these masks and his pure interest in them draw the reader into the story. There’s a great focus on details and imagery that help accomplish this.
However, keep in mind in flash fiction the point is to tell a story and develop a plot in a short amount of time. This feels like an unfinsihed rough draft. You may want to develop the actions and happenings of the story quicker and get to a resolution more.
BTW, I loved the ending and your creative use of spacing.
snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, for starters, you capture the mood and setting beautifully. At times it was a little reminiscent of Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado”, which is always good.
On the downside, it’s a little brief and abrupt. Like in the line where Marcello pulls out the contents and the next line is “The mask was beautiful”. You have a perfect opportunity to expand on the theme a little bit here. Describe the inside of the trunk briefly, how it’s musty and old, and that will contrast beautifully with the description of the costume.
Also, the end comes a little too quickly. Maybe have him run into someone who he knows is one of his superiors, but the superior treats him as an equal or better.
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